Freaky deaky

Our church has been talking for some time about a supposed, hoped-for move of God. Being in New England, I don't know of many other places in America more starved for His touch. I've watched the gradual process of awareness in our church members; at one time they responded to a term like 'presence of God' with a combination of confusion, uncertainty and revulsion. Now they accept the possibility with an air of timid excitement. I have to say, it has been fun to watch. Frustrating, but worth it.

Occasionally out of nowhere certain things pop up in conversation, and I find it absolutely hilarious and disconcerting at the same time. Our Body consists of mostly Christians with a very conservative background, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at their feelings. I'm more surprised that they don't let their feelings lead them somewhere. Instead they sit on them like some kind of stubborn claim to something seemingly theologically obvious, but if they'd just think a bit, they might realize that they know almost as much as I do, which is almost nothing.

With talk that mentions 'Move of God' and 'Presence of God', lots of my fellow church members seem to have almost allergic reactions to the possibilities that come with those concepts. They think they are not Charismatic, but they don't seem to understand that the teaching coming from the pulpit for the past couple years has been balanced, scriptural...but also charismatic. They think charismatic/pentecostal movements come with other things...

They list with distaste the trembling, shaking, overall loss of bodily control that is supposed to be a marker of charismatic renewal. If they see this happen, they say, they're leaving.

I think this is especially silly because most of them have never seen this before; they've formed their opinion through hearsay. Somehow they've made up their mind that when God really moves, He only moves a certain way, and anything else is human manufacturing. Maybe they think when God shows up, we're going to have a nice sedate intellectual conversation, after which we go out into the world and meet the needs of the less fortunate.

I just listen and try to be understanding while asking questions to hopefully prompt further process. In the meantime I'm thinking...Who do they think God is? And What He is like? He created us to be beings like Him, but in a physical form. We are intellectual because He is. We are emotional because He is. Our inner core is spirit, because He is. We are physical because He created us that way...not because we are supposed to hate it, we are supposed to like it...because He loves it. He loves our physical bodies. God only creates good things.

We are filled with His spirit, but there are moments that He wants to get into our space. He did this constantly through scripture. If you look at Jesus, you can see it. Jesus had intellectual conversation. He quoted scripture. He prophesied. He named and called out identity. He made wine for drunk people. He put spit into people's eyes. He was constantly touching people. He liked intimate contact. He allowed John to rest his head on His chest. And everything He did, He revealed the Father because He and the Father are one.

I have been in charismatic churches and I have seen many things. I have seen people touched by God, and I have seen people acting silly and insane. I know that some of it is real, and some of it is fake. But the fake is not enough to keep me away.

I am not satisfied with Christianity if it is to just be an intellectual understanding. How does that prove to me that it's real? I'm free to pick any religion I want...why choose one like Christianity? Why not Buddhism? Or Wicca? Deciding to believe something that sounds good is not enough.

When God moves, I want Him to touch all of me. If I'm going to make an ass of myself telling people about Jesus, I need to know that I know.

Here is something that may sound heretical; Jesus saving me from sin and hell isn't enough either. I need to hear Him call my name...the one that only He and I will know. (Rev 2:17) I want to know Him as He is; all power and passion, wisdom and awareness, creativity and beauty. I imagine that when I start to see that, I will act a bit stupid. And that's ok with me.

Gems in a Battlefield

There's nothing like the bursting bubble of one's own pride. Or at least of one's own belief about oneself. Yesterday I was stunned by the realization that I'm still broken. Blah. You'd think after all the effort I put into delving into my problems and seeking God for help, that I'd be ahead. But no.

It doesn't happen often, but occasionally someone is born into the world with parents that love them, love God, and love the world together. That person grows into a beautiful, majestic story of an effortless beneficiary of God's smile. And I am transfixed by jealousy. Need. Desire. Broken.

I can have all the truth in the world, and I'm like little Golem clutching his Precious. Gems in a smoking battlefield. Still wretched and hurting, but with more accouterments.

Revelation is not Healing. I can think all the right thoughts but I can still be heartbroken.

taking out the wash

I haven't blogged in a few months. My brain is going through a major overhaul. I stopped writing because I asked a 'professional' to give me a critique, and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So I've been reevaluating...pretty much everything. :)

We all have a million opinions. Until recently, I was under the impression that most people actually go through a process before coming to a conclusion. I was wrong; undoubtedly you can also arrive at a conclusion by having a feeling or an experience. Interesting. ;)

I think about something for days. Months. I chew on it and evaluate it from every angle. I research, I ask for second opinions. Don't most people?

Funny thing. No matter how much time and reflection I spend on each and every conclusion and belief system I have, there are still structures in my head that are screwed up. The most profound screwiness is usually a result of childhood pain. Those places are the darkest, the fuzziest, and the ones least likely to find insight into.

I am so thankful for my friends. Jesus might be shining a searchlight on a certain spot, but I have my ultra dark glasses on. They can see the imbalance. They can see the broken wretchedness. And they love me. So they sweetly, gently, effortlessly take off my glasses and hold me while I break.

I listened to a sermon today on making declarations. The speaker said that if you speak what the Word says over yourself and it is difficult, that is an implication of a stronghold. Now it's time to start renewing your mind. This is not the power of positive thinking, this is realizing the Conclusion. The Conclusion is what God says about you and for you. The Conclusion is Who He is IN you. And the Conclusion prophesies into your present and towards your future.

Enough blogging. I have to finish the laundry. ;)

The Price

This is probably the most silent Fourth of July in my lifetime. I sent the girls to bed early because they were fighting, and Eben went to sleep early because he is recovering from a fever. Adam is on call this week, and of course he was called out hours ago. Still isn't home.

I marinated pork ribs and while the grill is heating up, I prepared hot crash potatoes with rosemary and thyme from the garden. Only my resolve is pushing me to cook for myself; otherwise I'd be happy with cereal. Adam will appreciate the food...eventually.

Ordinarily I crave silence, but when it finally happens, I'm deafened. I've practiced thinking through chaos so long that my ears ring without it.

It was cool to see so many celebrating an awesome Fourth today on Facebook. I was a little jealous. I have mixed feelings about my country right now, and sometimes I'd like to do what my husband suggested and string up the Don't Tread On Me flag above the Stars and Stripes. The problem with studying history and government is that you realize what was gambled and lost.

I feel towards America a lot like I feel towards the Church. Something great and grand and to be cherished has gained more tarnish than shine. Then I stop myself. Jesus didn't call me to see the glass half full. He wants me to see what isn't there, and what will be.

Freedom is something that most aren't familiar with, unless they don't have it. Then they are willing to die to attain it. It is like seeing a glimpse of God's face, or breathing in His presence; it primes you for the More. America established liberty as the gateway to achieving dreams. In the Kingdom, death is the gateway.

Actually, death is the gateway for both. Liberty isn't handed out like lollipops. It must be apprehended, and throughout history, by blood.

Bill Johnson once stated, "In the natural, we eat to become satisfied. In the spiritual, we eat to become hungry".

Freedom and redemption to the imprisoned is always worth the price.

Eat a fish, learn to fish

Sometimes I wish that finding the truth was easier, and black and white ordered things into tidy rows. I have Christian friends that are from opposite sides of the political fence, and they all desire to know God and bring heaven to earth. I find that it is counterproductive to enter into a discussion with a belief that I already have the answer, and the best emotion to bring to a debate is love.

To those who think that God desires a governmental system that does not have social programs need only to study the system He set up for Israel. To those who think that the poor need only a handout to succeed, need to also study the Bible. :)

The priestly tribe (Levites) collected a ten percent tithe for the poor, the widows and orphans. The Hebrews were also encouraged to give generously to the less fortunate. I really like the system described in the book of Ruth, in which gleaning was depicted. Every land owner that farmed his land was required by law to leave the ends of the rows and corners unharvested, so that the widows and the poor could gather food. They were afforded the chance to work for their food, thus keeping their dignity. Caring for the poor fostered a tradition of compassion in the community, and offering the ability to work for food prevented entitlement and a culture of dependency and laziness.

I actually didn't intend to talk about welfare; I just wanted to set up what I was thinking about yesterday. It occurred to me that the process I use to learn about God and hear His voice is a lot like gleaning. I listen to sermons, read books, talk to friends who have great insight, and I listen to a LOT of worship music. It's my go-to chill out tool.

So basically I'm taking what has been planted by another, and using it to support my spiritual lifestyle. It does require work, but doesn't garner a lot of fruit. When Jesus said the poor would always be with us, He didn't mean they are supposed to stay there. The entire goal of God's social programs were to prompt people to grow, not to keep them where they were. If I stay here, gleaning, I will never step into what God wants for me.

Sadly, this is the highest maturity level most Christians achieve. We learn to feed ourselves, to hear basic truth, to see obvious sin and to lead an honorable life. At least on the surface. This is not what God wants from us. He wants us to be Sons. We are not supposed to glean; we are supposed to be land owners. His desire is for us to hear His voice, and raise our own crops. Spiritual poverty tells us that this is all we can do, that we don't know what the next step is, that our community doesn't see our worth. The truth is that we don't see our own worth. In order to love others, we have to see the beauty in ourselves. We have to see Who we are. 

So...go west, young man. Find some land. Stake a claim. 

A Children's Manual

I've heard for years that children don't come with a manual. I thought that commentary was parents just being dramatic, but now I realize how true that is. I have no idea what I'm doing pretty much all the time. Children are constantly changing, and once I think I've hit the nail on the head, one of them switches to a new phase.

Providence hit some kind of strange emotional wall when she turned eight, and now I'm trying to do a combination praise/praise/teach/correct/praise mambo, in the midst of attempting to help her understand how she feels. How she feels? Good grief; I have a hard enough time understanding how I feel!

Micaiah is in full-on training mode, as my sister aptly phrased it. Every correction starts a barrage of stonewalling and tears. She also has great projection, so our little house rings with the sound of caterwauling...or er, weeping. ;)

At this point Eben is easy; he responds well to a corrective look, and he showers everyone with grins and giggles. But he is into everything, he has the physical prowess of a five year old, and I actually have to keep him from jumping off of cliffs.

I have to keep reminding myself that their lives should not be a continual string of correction. If I am supposed to be their first picture of God, what does that need to look like? Obviously boundaries are important, but I want to pursue relationship and heart over behavior and performance. If I want good behavior, I could beat them all day and never reach their heart. I want them to discover what God is like through their mind and emotions...until it reaches their spirits.

What if all the bad in the world is just an absence of goodness? God's glory is His goodness. God doesn't start chasing all our bad behavior and begin weeding it out...He begins by loving us and showing us Himself. Darkness does not leave by being chased; it is obliterated by light.

I am so grateful that God does not have a growth chart that He measures me by. Can you imagine Him marking down each misstep, each attitude and every trespass? But He doesn't. When He looks at us He sees Jesus. What He is marking down is each and every moment we choose encounter and relationship, growth and intimacy. He has a date book with all our romances inside. Every tear in a bottle. Every dream recorded, past and future. Moment by moment.

What if I chose to parent like that? Moment by moment? Tears and laughter... Pain and beauty. Goodness and glory.

The Waiting

There are times I don't even have to seek the quiet place; instead I am thrust in forcefully. Right now the rain is pattering out a sleepy song on the road, and the cars slur the sound as they drive through. Eben is protesting naptime in his bed, but his complaints are getting intermittent. The girls are downstairs watching Angelina Ballerina and I'm at the computer listening to Amanda Falk sing 'I will Exalt' for the second time.

I have moments of despair when I think about how many times I have asked for more of God and I still feel left with only a handful. Or less. He is growing me slowly, surely, and quietly. My foundations are being relaid stone by stone, and my heart is being enlarged beat by beat. It seems so normal though. So sweet and peaceful. Submission is an art, and once the initial sacrifice is made, all that needs to be done is just the waiting. For the breaking, the reforming, the brushstroke.

I reminded Jesus today of how many years I have been asking for personal encounter with Him. Face to face, visions, whatever. Just anything beyond intellectual experience. If it comes down to obedience, then I'll do that. I'll trust and keep on. Keep going. But I'm aware that the better thing lies down the garden path, through the gates, and at His feet. In His arms. In the dance.

I can't get this song out of my head, and while I sit at the computer moping, these are the words I hear:

Your Presence is all I need 
It’s all I want, all I seek 
Without it, without it there’s no meaning 
Your Presence is the air I breathe 
The song I sing, the love I need 
Without it, without it I’m not living 


I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord 
There is no one like You God 
I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord 
No other name be lifted high 


There will be no one like You 
And no one beside You 
You alone are worthy of all praise 
There will be no one like You 
And no one beside You 
You alone are worthy of all praise

My thoughts are not me

Thinking has long been associated with existence, (Descartes), but I think we are constantly associating it with identity. Existing is not the same as Being.

In a society that values tolerance and acceptance, the ability to have healthy discussion has almost been obliterated. Long ago Britain used the Trivium method in the public education system, which is a three part approach that begins with grammar, proceeds to logic and ends in rhetoric. After teaching reading, writing and 'rithmatic, children were taught how to think and question on their own. Of course, they threw out the system when they realized the consequences of teaching a culture to question.

Today we are not taught 'how' to think, we are taught 'what' to think. Our society has thrown out God, so instead we are given a set of moral absolutes and told not to question. If we question, we are bad. Religious, racist, bigoted, narrow-minded, immoral, liberal, conservative...depending on who is using the label. ;) No one accepts questions because discussion is not allowed. Because we have made discussion unpleasant.

Opinion is just a conclusion that we have made religious. When I say religious, I mean there is faith, passion and conviction behind it. It is extremely hard to argue against opinion. Each conclusion that we have arrived at has taken at least some logical or emotional process to form, but the problem is that we are afraid that if our conclusion is questioned, it is a reflection on us.

And it is, at least to a point. Our conclusions are a reflection of our logic, our ability to reason, how we feel, our perspective, our family and our culture. Unfortunately because of the values of our society and our educational system, a very large portion of our conclusions are based primarily on our own experiences and feelings. Since our culture fears questions and process, no one has to change. No one grows.

I stated some of my thoughts on Facebook last week and was disagreed with. This really threw me. I guess I've gotten in the habit of only sharing my conclusions and process with safe people. All of a sudden, all I wanted was to be accepted and valued. This wasn't about opinion anymore. It was about identity.

Can I be me even though you may think differently than I? Am I still valuable? Do my thoughts matter? Does what Jesus says about me remain even though someone else disagrees?

I think this is the big question; 'Who am I outside of my conclusions and decisions?'

My thoughts are not me; they are a product of me. As I submit myself to questions and to His thoughts, my thoughts change. He is speaking to the real me, and He sees bigger and better than I. Opinion keeps me unmovable. Conclusion keeps me safe.  Where He is usually requires walking on water, and that's where I want to be.

Caught

A ballerina picks a spot to focus on while doing a pirouette. With every turn she sees that spot, and it keeps her from getting dizzy and she maintains balance. My moments of escape are that for me. As long as I keep my eyes held by His, the spinning of life and the intimidation of the enemy fade. 

Something I read in the book Prophetic Wisdom by Graham Cooke today;

     The goal of God is to bring us to a place where we abide in Christ, where we get our needs met by Him, and where we can help meet the needs of others. He wants to be at the pinnacle of our giftings and callings, so that we can find Him in whatever is happening around us. It shouldn't matter how much the enemy spins us around; if our heart is fixed on God, we are immediately focused on Him. When this happens, the Church is going to grow up. We'll live by the Book. We won't question the will of God because we will be in relationship with Him. 

Honest Moments

Ever get that feeling of panic that rises up your throat like acid? I just did as I ascended the stairs to escape my kids. I didn't quite make it in time, because I yelled "WHAT!!" when Providence whined/asked a "Mom?" for the sixth time looking for a pair of clean jeans.

I think something is wrong with me. I don't have unending patience. And when I think I do, I crack faster. Susannah Wesley used to throw her apron over her head in her moments of stress to pray. I need something like that...so I rush to my room and lock the door.

I may not have unending patience but I have Jesus. It seems unfathomably hard sometimes to sweep up crumbs, deal with gross kids, and even harder to explain to them how not to be gross. Micaiah loves to do things on her own, but today I had to explain to her that only Mommy or Daddy should try to use the plunger to unclog the toilet. Seriously. At least with my dramatic firstborn, I get informed that the water is rising in the moment.

So I run. Becomes sometimes, many times, even a couple times an hour...I can't deal. I lock the door and turn some great worship music on and shut myself into my heart with the other Person that lives in me. He soothes my soul, calms my nervous tics, and gives me a fresh jolt of Him.

Back to the fray...

A Hymn

You burned my desolation to the ground and salvaged my heart.

You cracked my foundation, turned back time and planted a garden for your pleasure.

Instead of sorrow, you give me passion. My tears are stored in your heart.

 My submission is lovely to you, and my yearning for you hastens your touch.

Barrenness attracts you, because your desire is for me. Fill me with you.

May my heart shatter with your goodness.

I am bereft without your presence; satisfy me with your sweetness.

There is nothing beside you. Its just you and I.

Teach me to dance, and my lips and my feet will never stop singing the music of you.

Brain on Pause

I took the Strengthfinders 2.0 test last year. My results were Strategic, Intellection, Input, Ideation and Restorative. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, just to say I'm a thinker is an understatement. My sister commented yesterday when I told her my results; "Wow, could you be more in your head?" Don't think so. :P

We had been talking about how to go to the next level in my quiet time. I'm very frustrated in mine. I'm going through Graham Cooke's interactive, 'The Way of the Warrior' set, which is amazing. It is intercessory and strategic, and it asks great questions. It pushes me intellectually which is great...but I still find that frustrating. Since I'm just rigged to be a thinker, understanding God on an intellectual level has always been a natural and easy thing to do. But if I'm only going to understand God intellectually, how does that make my faith any different from Buddhism? Hinduism? Atheism? After all, faith is just setting your mind on a belief system. What makes it true is not my ability to believe it, or argue it. Since anyone who passionately follows their faith can do that.

If God is real, and good, and all around me...if His Son really came and died for me and brought me the opportunity to have relationship with Him, then I am not satisfied to just know Him like I know that 2+2=4. In fact, if I wanted to, I could argue that math has no basis in reality and that it is only how we are choosing to measure an idea. Math does not exist. Do you see my problem? My experience with God needs to be more than reality.

The only way I am able to sidestep my brain and pursue Him on a relational and spirit centered way is through worship. I find certain songs that I can play and immerse myself in that hops right over my brain and puts me in His lap. It's like I walk through a forest of architectural symmetry and step into a world of colorful jello. It can't be compared to each other. This is what I'm going for in my quiet time. I'm not turning my brain off; I'm pursuing what He wants to do in my emotions and in my spirit. I'm not very good at it, because I keep trying to figure it out when it needs to be less like Tinkertoys and Legos and more like finger painting and jumping into ball pits or bowls of icecream.

This is just my journey; I don't know what yours is. There are moments that I've had with Him that transcend my little formulaic, reality grounded brain. I hold on to these like a baby holding his lovey. Not ever satisfied, not ever ever. I want to go where no one has gone before, do what no one has done before. A laid-down lover.

Colored

Racism seems to be a constant topic in our media today. I find this kind of annoying, because I love that America is a melting pot of nationalities and I just want everyone to love each other.

Racism, down to the knitty gritty root of it, is a belief that worth is based on race. I have a hard time believing when people say they have never had a racist thought, because even Jesus was tempted in everything.

Between the ages of six and eleven, I lived in a southern Texas town of about 36k. I didn't know that about sixty years prior a black man had been lynched in our courthouse and then set afire. My two best friends were black. To me, there was no difference between us...except that they had cooler hair.

Fast forward ten plus years and I was living in south Dallas, going to bible school and working at a cajun seafood joint. For the first time, I was exposed to the term 'ghetto'. This described a location and a category of people. For the first time I was looked at with hate because of my skin color, and also because I couldn't understand ebonics. This really hurt my feelings, because I wanted to be judged on an individual basis and not on their experience. Funny how that sentiment has probably been felt by many peoples.

I had to struggle with feelings of antipathy towards them too. Waiting tables is a very interesting job, if just for what it teaches you about people and their money habits. It was so easy to stereotype, mostly because each people group tipped a certain way. Only a small percentage broke the mold. Every day I worked I listened to the waitstaff dog people groups. And women.

Fortunately I woke up every morning and went to chapel, had an hour for worship and then went to class. This really helped to align my thoughts. Every day I went to work intending to love the people I waited on. But it was hard, because whatever category the person fit in to, affected my livelihood.

I'm tired of the Church thinking that racism isn't an issue, or that because a person doesn't act racist that he or she has never had an ugly thought. Perhaps when we start really believing that each one of us is made into the image of God, then our thoughts will be beautiful and our culture will change. The issue is not the hatred, it's not knowing who we are. When we don't know who we are, we denigrate others to elevate ourselves. God created each race of people with gifts and abilities unique to them. Each has a way of viewing the world, and a perspective of the Creator that is invaluable.

I went to a prayer walk last week with people that were Portuguese, Black, White, Indian, and Brazilian. The prayers and song that came out of our group was so beautiful. I love my own skin color...my ethnicity is English, Irish, Scotch, Dutch, French and Cherokee, so it's hard to think of myself as white. But that is what I appear. I love who God made me, because I see the brilliance of all those cultures coming together in me, an American. So I can't imagine a Bride that is just white. Or black. Or brown. Taking color out of the Bride would be criminal, because it denies the creativity of the Creator. It denies that He looks like what He creates.

So...seeing the problem is very Old Testament. Prophet comes in, says repent because you're bad and either God is happy or hellfire and brimstone. This is not the Old Testament; we are on the other side of the Cross. Seeing the problem is not enough, we have to see Heaven and bring it here. Heaven is identity. Heaven is color. I want to pull Heaven down and change my culture, and it starts in my own head.

Pardon this oldie, but this is from my teen years and I loved it then. :)

Hatching thoughts

There are times I feel more like a hen sitting on her eggs; I sit forever on a thought until it finally hatches. Right now I'm trying to come up with my own spiritual/character development curriculum for my kids. I want to root it in knowing God relationally, learning how to hear His voice, and learning what He's like in order to be like Him. I don't think scripture based curriculum cuts it, but I don't want to entirely cut out scripture memory.

One of my favorite studies I grew up learning from was from these enormous Character Sketch books. Each lesson would posit a character quality, like kindness, and then have a bible story and a story from nature to back it up. I want to use these to illustrate God's character.

I also really enjoy allegorical stories. This is a great one. Seeker's Great Adventure is an allegorical story of getting to know Jesus.  http://www.amazon.com/Seekers-Great-Adventure-Adventures-Kingdom/dp/0967740215/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1334349931&sr=8-9

The other thing I don't have fully fleshed out is a continuing talk about intimacy and sex. I've already started a little bit with Providence, but I want it to be an ongoing discussion instead of these huge events. The girls get to see Adam and I loving on each other, so I think that is already going a long way into establishing what intimacy in marriage looks like.

So these are just my thoughts right now...not yet hatched, but cooking. :D

The Gift of Relationship

This was the question in my devotional yesterday:
     Look at the Godhead. What type of relationship exists between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit?

Easy question, right? ;) But it caused me to start thinking about relationships and authority. Every relationship we have is intended to reveal an aspect of what God experiences. Unfortunately, the amount of unhealthy relationships outnumber the healthy. And it's easy to focus on the authority aspect and not the gifts that come with each position.

I'm pretty sure God the Father doesn't keep reminding Jesus that He's in charge. Because really, He isn't. They are one. The Father holds the position of leader, protector, provider...and He experiences the joy of showing off Who His Son is.

Jesus is gifted with many positions. Son, Brother, Bridegroom, friend. He isn't a son in the way we understand it, but He gets to experience the best emotions of Sonship. Being adored, bragged on, pleasing His father.

The Holy Spirit has a unique position. He broods over the Godhead, the Creation and Us. He's not referred to in the feminine, but the Holy Spirit exemplifies traits that we all associate as feminine. Comfort, wisdom, soft guidance, conviction, a word in due season. He travails over us like a woman in labor, working to bring about the dreams that the Father is dreaming over us.

I think most of us associate authority to something negative. I was in the National Guard, so I'm fully aware of position, rank and being subordinate. Authority in God's eyes doesn't really mean these things. It means position yes, but position in that we have been seated in heavenly places with Him. We have been given a new Name, and we are on equal standing with Jesus. Our authority, placed under His authority... is a gift.

I really want to learn all about what God experiences so it's important to me to pursue healthy, deep relationships. The only time authority or even peer relationships intimidate me is when I don't know who I am. Pursuit is one of God's most beautiful traits. He pursues us, despite rejection or misunderstanding or fear. I want to be like that. Pursued and a pursuer. :D

Ass Backwards

Submission and the Fear of God. These concepts have become so ugly and misunderstood in church culture. I just want to bonk people on the head with a 2x4 at their myopia, until I realize their belief system is from lack of revelation in church leadership and in themselves.
As soon as we get saved, the next thing we hear is, "What is God's will for your life?" Ok, maybe it's not the first thing, but it follows soon enough. If you are in God's will, hoorah! And if you aren't, be prepared for lightning and/or misery.

So what is God's will? How do we define that? Is it your calling? Your purpose? God's desires for your life? Ok, let's say it is His desire for your life. So what does He desire?
We all know He desires holiness. Good behavior. Be like Jesus, right? Oh, and there's the Great Commission. Go make disciples of all nations. Find your ministry.

I'm sorry, but this is so ass backwards. I look at Jesus, and I really don't see His ministry as the forefront of his life. It's what is written about most, because the outward is usually the only way we relate and learn from. But how did Jesus spend His time? What was He doing most?

He spent hours with His Dad. They were one. He said He didn't do anything unless His Father told Him to. That you could look at Him and see His Father. Then, He spent the majority of the time left with His disciples. He ate, slept and joked with them. He inspired them. He confronted them. He gave them new names, new purpose.
Ministry took third place. It was out of the first two that Jesus drew from and gave out of. It didn't define him.

Think about all the things Mary (Martha's sister) could have done. She could have done some feet washing. Setting the table. Bringing Jesus a drink. Helping her sister.

I think Jesus' will for both Mary and Martha was just that they spend time with them. Undoubtedly the meal wasn't a big deal to Jesus, but then storms weren't either. He just created wine out of water, an army's worth of food out of a lunchbox, and a still night out of a hurricane. There is one thing He can't do though. Create relationship when He's the only one that shows up.

I got tired of worrying about what God's will for my life was a long time ago. Tired of 'submitting' to whatever 'calling' I was supposed to seek and do. Fatigue and depression will do that really quick; it takes away all the get up and go. It was like Jesus playing Jenga with my head and my heart. I wonder what would happen if we didnt' have things that made us stop. We would do it all. We'd build another tower to the stars.

It's really easy to be in His will. Just stop. Turn your heart towards His voice, and stop doing. Stop performing. Stop 'submitting'. Because wherever you are, He is. The ultimate place of safety is nestled close to His heart, hidden under His wings.

Who's Your Daddy?

Today I warned a friend that the end product of homeschooling his daughter might be to end up like me. A questioner of authority...I put it in a way that was denigrating to myself and a watchword to my friend. I came away from the conversation very unsatisfied and frustrated. What was wrong with me? Why was I painting myself in such a negative light?

Those who homeschool and those who don't do recognize that homeschooled kids run a bit against the pack. They aren't taught with as many restrictions and schedules as kids in public school, and they don't have the peer pressure that shapes other kids. I always thought that my inability to fit in or my weighing of those in roles of leadership was a result of my education, but today I realized it wasn't.

My mom was the most academically focused homeschool mom I knew. All the other moms had more flexible schedules and academia, but not my mom. She was teaching me the Greek alphabet when I was seven. I learned rules and behavior and respect for authority from her. In fact, the only authority I have ever bucked with negative consequences was my mother. ;)

My dad was the questioner. He hated authority, and he distrusted church leadership. He saw the areas of sin, unbelief and immaturity in their lives and then dismissed them as being unable to speak into his own life. With any thought process or argument in logic he was never satisfied with the step by step two plus two equals four scenario; he always had to enter in the back door or through a window. His inability to discourse casually without going on strange rabbit trails irritated everyone. He never fit in anywhere. He wasn't even accepted in my own family. My drill sgt. grandfather mocked and disrespected him, and my mom was so frustrated by his circular reasoning that she eventually lost respect for him and his thought process.

So I'm a bit like my dad. But today I realized how much I wasn't. I love to question, and I love the analytical thought process. However, I choose to honor those in authority. I respect church leadership and I value their input in my life. I respect and honor my husband. And, even though it may be a bit silly, I want to fit in.

I realized the bigger issue today was identity. I inherited some of my questioning nature from my dad, and some is just inherent in my personality. But it wasn't valued in my family, and our culture doesn't value it either. Why think differently? Why question? It's easier to be spoon-fed belief systems and societal norms.

So evidently I need to get my sense of self from my heavenly Father. He created me to question; He's the great Questioner after all. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I dream? These are all great questions that He wants us to ask, and to keep asking. If we just settle for the easiest answer that has been hand selected for us, we might miss the better path. The path that leads us to relationship with Him.

So today I realized I am like my Father. I question, I think, I evaluate. I'm just like Him. Other people love me for it, and some I irritate. Kind of like Jesus. So I think I'm in good company. ;)

What Was, What Is, and What Could Have Been

Going home is a little like going back in time. I'm in Texas for my grandfather's funeral, and everything around me reminds me of life fifteen years ago. I grew up on a piece of land he bought about forty years ago, and each roll of the land and every tree speaks of an earlier point on my timeline.
Last night I visited the house I lived in from age eleven to nineteen, which is little more than a circa 1970's mobile home and a two story addition. Only ten years have passed since it was deserted, but it looks more like a century. Mobile homes aren't built to stand the test of time, but even the addition which has good bones, wears siding that was never painted. So one side is just rotting away, leaving six foot gaping holes. An entire forest of honey locust trees have sprung up, blocking the entrance to the front door. Everything sags. It is desolate.
It is especially hard to look at it right now, because my family is selling the land since it is too much work to care for. Even though my childhood home is a rotting carcass and remembering life there is painful, it is even more unbelievably heartbreaking to realize I can't come back to it.
I've just always counted on that land being there. I explored every square inch with my brother. I fished countless bream and bass out of the pond. My grandfather bought the land to leave to his children and grandchildren and great grand children, and he was at his best when he was working it. Not that he was good at it, he was too cheap to do anything right, but he was the happiest fiddling around with his pond, his garden and his tractor. Every spring he'd be up and at 'em, tilling his garden and planting onions. Along with the waves of new spring grass, tiny fragrant white flowers would spring up in between his peach trees. He loved to fill cups with them for my grandmother.
Everywhere I look reminds me of my past and my hopes for the future. My house is a crumbling bookmark to a painful childhood. I wanted to come back someday and rebuild, take my kids fishing, explore in the creek for old glass, and dredge up snakes and rabbits in the tall grass. I wanted to tell them stories of my grandfather who left them a legacy. I wanted to show them that they grow up in a loving home with committed parents, and that not all kids get that. I wanted them to see that they are blessed, and that their responsibility and gift is to build on what they've been given. It's hard to know that the land will be sold. It feels like being set back two generations. I will have no legacy in the land to give to my grandchildren. As I looked at my old house, I wept for the lost future; like weeping for unborn children. I can't describe my grief.
With my sisters and my friend by my side, I prayed for our family. That God would restore what had been stolen. That He would rebuild. That He would multiply our finances, our love and our compassion. That our coming out would be greater than our coming in.
I can't change my circumstances sometimes, but I can change my heart. It's a process, though. I'm still grieving my loss. But I can be thankful in all things, and there is always joy in between the tears.

Choose Better

I really don't like to eat. Sounds funny from a self proclaimed foodie, I know. The real truth is that I don't want to think about it. I don't want to prepare it. And I definitely don't want to go grocery shopping. I want fantastic food to burst into existence like an exploding star on a silver platter in front of my face. Then I'd be happy to eat. My husband must have it so good. ;)
Food preparation and meal planning is a very large portion of my stay at home mom job. But I don't like it. I think my time would be better served climbing a tall tree, reading a good book with a glass of wine...or anything else. 
Surprisingly I have almost as hard a time carving out a piece of my life for Jesus. I listen to a lot of teaching by podcast and audible book while I clean house, because I go crazy if I have nothing to occupy my mind. But taking intentional time to sit and worship in His Presence? Tough. It doesn't matter that I know it would be better for me to practice time with Him consistently, the voices outside my head are louder than the Voice in my heart. Even more truthfully, I find it hard to make myself shut up when I finally do take the time for Him. Just like it is hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom or a camel to go through the eye of a needle, it is unbelievably hard for a thinker to stop thinking. 
Fortunately the Holy Spirit has had mercy on me and usually talks to me outside my intellectual ramblings, usually through friends, dreams, pictures and music. But it's not enough. I'm absolutely certain that I will stay hungry until I eat, and I am absolutely convinced that He has something special for me in that quiet place. I have to choose the better thing.

Luke 10:42 NCV

Only one thing is important. Mary has chosen the better thing, and it will never be taken away from her."

God's Creation: Cookies and Control

I wonder how many children out there were on the receiving end of Dr. James Dobson's 'The Strong Willed Child.' I was. I can't tell you what's in it because I've never read it, but my mom sure did.
Why the 'Strong Willed Child'? Do parents want weak-willed children? How silly is that? The problem doesn't lie in the strength of the will, but in the ability of the child to be persuaded to go along with the parent's will. Seems to me Dr. Dobson should write a book about the strong willed parent. ;)
Just like God is a three part being, so are we; we are spirit, soul and body. The spirit is the part that becomes new at salvation, the soul consists of our mind, will and emotions and becomes more like Jesus through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The process of maturing as a Christian is getting all three parts to act in harmony with each other and with the Spirit. We are supposed to be just like Jesus; all human and all God. :)
The Church tends to view the parts of the soul like a child looking at an assorted box of donuts. We love the intellect, snub the emotions and ignore the will.
God put the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden for a reason. He was offering choice. The ability to choose is what makes us like Him. The ability to see good choices and bad choices. We are not slaves or robots. We are free and powerful.
God made us emotional because He is. He is passionate and jealous, compassionate and kind, angry and loving. It is possible to have the full gamut of emotions and still honor each other and ourselves. Emotions make life worth living. We love Him because He first loved us.
He fashioned our intellects with the same characteristics that He has; the desire to know, to create, to impact and to grow. While Jesus was crazily emotional, it is His thoughts that impact me the most. If you read His words about the Kingdom, and how He interacted with His disciples and with the Pharisees, you can see how anointed His intellect is. Jesus is brilliant.
The most misunderstood and misaligned part of the soul is the will. Our entire culture including Church culture either subverts it, glosses over it, dominates it or just convinces you that you don't have one with the crazy weapon called victimization. We are not responsible because we have no power. Or there's the other side of the coin in which you use your will to take power from others.
Your biggest weapon as a child of God is your ability to control yourself. We misunderstand self control. It is not Nazi-like self discipline. It is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It is something that is grown in us. Our definition is influenced by our culture's values of body fat percentage, recycling, tolerance and silent politics. I don't think God would ever write a diet book because it wouldn't sell. The entire point of fasting in the OT was to get to the feasting. Physically and spiritually.
Jesus gives us a great picture of Holy Spirit self control. He drank wine, made wine for drunk people, hung out with sinners and corrected the religious leaders. All while pleasing His Father.
It is possible to talk about sex, politics and religion and honor your Father and others. It is possible to eat a cookie without eating two dozen. It is possible to have a couple beers and not get drunk. This is about what is important to you, and learning who you are. You are a son of God, and you have power. You have a brilliant mind, a rainbow of emotions, and a CRAZY STRONG WILL!!!! Use it wisely. ;)

Living from Victory

     I love this clip of Eowyn defeating the Nazgul. It has to be one of the best warrior princess shots. ;)

     So just imagine you are on the field of battle and you are facing your worst enemy, like Eowyn. Except an odd thing happens as you square off against each other. Jesus appears behind him, and smiles and winks at you. Your enemy doesn't see Him, and you realize that you've got this. The battle has already been won! You are not striving for victory, you are living FROM victory. It's up to you whether you lose the battle.

     Stop living defeated. We are filled with His spirit, we have been given all authority in His name and we can defeat the strategy of the enemy. Warriors head up the fight; soldiers just follow. Don't get disconcerted by your trials and circumstances. What God could prevent in His power He allows in His wisdom. He's training you for battle. He's making you into a warrior. Open up some holy whoopass!! :D

Hungry

      I dropped Adam off at the airport early this morning; he'll be gone for a few days on a business trip. A lot of other wives have to do this often, but not me. I'm pretty blessed to have Adam home the majority of the time, so when he's gone it feels a little catastrophic. Like half of me isn't here. The old adage, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is true. The time waiting for him to come home builds anticipation for the moment he walks in the door.
      Graham Cooke is one of my favorite speakers/authors. He describes God as revealing Himself through periods of hiddenness and manifestation. We go through seasons in which it feels like God isn't there, that we can't hear His voice, or that He isn't hearing our prayers. The intent of these moments is to produce a certain kind of fruit. Our faith is strengthened through trial. We spend time sharpening our hearing. Even more importantly, we get hungrier. That's the intention of a fast; deprivation carves out space for something. We are setting aside our physical hunger aside to focus our intention on Him. We are saying that He is integral to our existence.
      God doesn't hide from us to punish us, He hides so we can learn to find Him. It is a process of maturity that we seek Him through each season of hiddenness. Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, But the glory of kings is to search out a matter.  Many times He reveals Himself by revelation and wisdom. We start expanding our mind to hold a greater understanding of Who He is, and who we are. God loves to build our spirits through our intellect. 

      Manifestation or encounter are the party times. This is when Jesus shows Himself plainly to us. We feel His presence, have visions, have incredible worship experiences, or have crazy encounters that touches every part of us; spirit, soul and body. Just like seeing a lover after a time of separation, these moments are all the sweeter because of the time apart. There isn't as much space for deep revelation because you are so busy being aghast at His majesty and beauty.

       I regret that there a parts of the Body that have only experienced one or the other, or believe that there is only one or the other to be had. God wants us to grow up. He wants us to reveal Himself to our intellect and to our feelings. Imagine what a marriage in name only would be like? Or if you only got together to discuss chores or financial goals? Marriage is beautiful when both sides discover each other intellectually, spiritually and physically. 

       Hunger is a blessing. It creates capacity for more. Don't despise the seeking. ;)

      

Serve Somebody

     There used to be a heavy vine of poison ivy that snaked its way up a tall black locust tree in our backyard. It was almost as thick as my wrist, and with little furry feelers reaching out for purchase. Just a little creepy. I thought about pulling it down, but I'd had a horrible experience with poison ivy the year before and I knew better. So I just wacked at the vine close to the dirt and cut it off from its' roots.

     The Church gets a little twisted up about sin. Like sin is the big boogey monster that lives under the bed. Like it has power. 

     Sin is really nothing more than fruit. And, like fruit, it isn't the first thing that happened on the scene. It is the product of obedience. Somewhere along the line, we chose who to serve. We are constantly choosing to obey something, whether it be God, Satan or our flesh. And we are left with the fruit of our choosing.

     Addiction is not a disease. It is the product of many choices. We become dependent on the effect of the choice. What do you want to be addicted to? Either way, one will end up giving you power and the other taking it away.

     I could have pulled the vine down and destroyed it all at once. Poison ivy is icky, so I just let it die a slow and agonizing death after separating it from its' source of life. I didn't need to touch it. We don't have to touch sin to kill it. That's the Holy Spirit's job. Just choose Who to obey.

    

Made for Worship

Worship isn't music. Music is a tool that helps us access intimate conversation with God. I've heard other Christians say that they worship other ways, and that's cool, but I wonder if they are still accessing that intimate conversation. Many believers stop with just salvation and the Cross, and constantly revisit that place of conversion, sin and sacrifice. We are always supposed to keep the Cross before us, but there is more to being His Sons and Daughters than self-flagellation. Paul infers that there is more beyond this in Hebrews 6;    1Therefore leaving the elementary teaching about the Christ, let us press on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, 2 of instructionabout washings and laying on of hands, and the resurrection of the dead and eternal judgment.

      I think one of the earmarks of maturity as a believer is intimacy with Him. We are supposed to be the Bride, right? Intimacy is just being able to see deeply into the heart of the other. Jesus desires access to our hearts, and it excites Him when we want Him as passionately. I love how Stephany Frizzell talks about worship in this clip;

And I love this song...

Love Made Perfect

John 4:16 And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love. God is love. Those who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17 This is how love is made perfect in us: that we can be without fear on the day God judges us, because in this world we are like him. 18 Where God's love is, there is no fear, because God's perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears. 19 We love because God first loved us.
      I was so afraid of Judgement Day when I was a child. I was afraid of going to sleep before I repented of all my sins. I was afraid of dying suddenly, because what if I couldn't confess my sin before I kicked the can? Ultimately, I was afraid of God looking closely at my heart, because I believed that I was unworthy of His love. I believed that He only loved me because He had to; that I was unlovely and unworthy.
     It took many years of searching and depression before I discovered that I had believed a lie. I didn't need to fear Judgement Day because Jesus' righteousness had become my own. I was not going to be punished. Even more importantly, He thinks I'm lovely, and worthy, interesting, funny. He's pretty infatuated with me. ;) How do I know that? Because we can't love God. God is love. So if we are in love with God, it's because He was in love with us first. :D
     Fear is the antithesis of love. Fear of vulnerability ruins relationships, or just prevents them from becoming all they were meant to be. Relationships are gifts from God, meant to express something about Him. We make everything about gender or sex. Relationships express Who He is. Fathers, Mothers, Sisters, Brothers, Friends, Husbands, Wives. Each shows us a glimpse of Him.
     Love is not a passing fancy. Infatuation is largely hormonal. Love is abiding, eternal, deep, passionate, nurturing, sacrificial. The more I see and experience of His love, the more I am able to love Him and love others. My ability stems from His outpouring. Love made perfect in me.

God Preservation

Psalm 16:1 Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.


How we respond to bad news or calamity is a great barometer of our psychological and spiritual health. This past week my husband and I received some bad news that affects possibilities for future choices. When my husband told me the news, my heart plummeted. Before my descent into the depths of despair, I started to remind myself of who I was and Who God is. It took a couple of hours to recover, but I regained hope and I believe that His plans for me are better than I thought they were. We will be ok, my family will flourish and our financial and spiritual prospects are unimaginably great. There are moments when I grab my son and squeeze him and say, "I've got you!", at which he giggles. When news hits you like a baseball bat to the knees, remember that He's got you. 

The Church is NOT a building

Acts 17:24 "The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands."


David was the guy that had the grand idea of building God a house. God didn't want a house; He preferred tents. Tents are mobile; you can pack them up and go. God is always moving, so a tent just suited Him. He loved David's heart, so He allowed David to have his way. That particular temple, Solomon's temple, was attacked and destroyed, rebuilt and then trashed for hundreds of years. Today the site is still a topic of dispute.


Jesus began the process of introducing the idea that God should not be housed in a building. The religious leaders of the day were incensed that this man of Galilee had the audacity to disrespect hundreds of years of tradition. One of their accusations were influential in his crucifixion: Mark 14:58 "We heard Him say, 'I will destroy this temple made with hands, and in three days I will build another made without hands.' "  Jesus was frustrated that their traditions and structure had entirely obliterated the original intent of God. Mark 7:6 And He said to them, "Rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written : 'THIS PEOPLE HONORS ME WITH THEIR LIPS, BUT THEIR HEART IS FAR AWAY FROM ME. 7 'BUT IN VAIN DO THEY WORSHIP ME, TEACHING AS DOCTRINES THE PRECEPTS OF MEN.' 8 "Neglecting the commandment of God, you hold to the tradition of men." 


Fast forward to the present, and here we are in the same place. The building is revered, and the precepts of men are elevated as doctrine. Why do we like buildings so much? Well, buildings are awesome. They provide safety, security, stability, strength, shelter.They can be beautiful. You can design them into an image of what you think God is like. Look at each era and decade, and you can get insight into the builder. Hmmm. I wonder if that's a problem...


The larger problem of the building is that it becomes an idea, a structure in the minds of a culture. When the Church is a structure in the minds of a culture, it becomes easy for the culture to make broad-based generalizations approving or disapproving of the 'Church'. And nobody is there to pick up the slack. How can a building assume responsibility? A building is unmovable. A structure is a product of design, intended to remain true to the design. 


God moves. His favorite way of moving is through His children. Jesus' purpose was to tear down the old structure, and rebuild a vibrant, moving, living being. A wife. The Church. It didn't take too long after His death and resurrection that the Church began confining herself with structure yet again. Doctrine is a two part entity; revelation from God combined with human interpretation. What happens when God wants to take His Church into a new area of growth? A new place of maturity? What happens to doctrine? According to the Paul and the New Testament church, the Holy Spirit led through prophecy. Prophecy, conjoined with the other gifts, leads the Church into new phases of intimacy with Jesus and thereby affects outreach. Unfortunately the Cessationist doctrine circumvents prophecy. If all gifts have ceased, then leadership is governed only by Scripture and doctrine, but without the full influence of the Holy Spirit. Until the Lord has open individuals and groups ready to be open to truth, the Church remains fettered. By herself.


The biggest earmark of the Church is supposed to be her love. John 13:35 "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."  We don't, do we? We criticize and backbite, we criticize those that criticize. We are not welcoming, we cannot resist casting the first stone. That's our modus operandi. It is our Structure; the Building we reside in. It is what the world sees when they look at us. 


The Church does not need to leave the Building, she needs to stop being a Building. We are a beautiful, moving, vibrant Bride. We are responsible for ourselves, our words and our relationships with each other and with the world. It's time to embrace our identity and mature, and stop kicking the immature in the groin. They are immature because they haven't been fathered. They must begin as servants and become Sons. Sonship is positional, not a gender. Isn't that cool? We are sons and a Bride. ;)

Anticipation

Psalm 27:8 My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "LORD, I am coming." NLT


My favorite place doesn't exist. My favorite place is quiet and serene, and I can spend at least an hour just soaking in His Presence, inventing songs, playing the piano, and listening to the wind of His voice. I say it doesn't exist because I can't seem to find it. My kids are noisy and I homeschool, which means they are with me all the time. My year-old son doesn't like to sleep through the night so I wake up late, and the first things I hear in the morning is not the wind of His voice, it is Micaiah asking for chocolate milk. I'm an introvert with no alone time.
A wonderful friend of mine let me off the hook today. She said that it is unlikely that I get to have the perfect night with my husband daily, so I have to get little bits where I can. She gave me this verse which perfectly stated how I felt; '"Lord, I am coming"'. 
A wise man once said, "Your spirit opens to what you set your mind upon." So I may not get my perfect worshipful oasis, but I set my mind on Him. I say little prayers, like love notes in my head. I listen to great teaching while I do housework...or amazing worship. Teaching expands my mind, and worship softens my heart. Just focusing on His words, His thoughts and His song prepares the way for those chance special times. Anticipating...


Song of Solomon 5:4 My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.

According to His mercy

Titus 3:5 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit.

We have a global culture based on behavior and performance. Even my worth as a mom is supposedly based on what I get done and how I do it. Even if you don't have a moral code dictated by religion, you come up with one anyway just to feel virtuous. Save the whales, save the trees, be kind to poor people...be fit.

 I'm so excited that when Jesus looks at me, He sees my worth outside of my performance. There is something in me that was valuable enough to die for. When I worry about my failure to achieve everything on my checklist, I remember that the Holy Spirit and Jesus are thrilled to walk with me through the process of sanctification and maturity. There are promises on the other side for me. And it isn't dependent on my getting the laundry done. :)

Leaning

Around and around and around we go, where we stop, nobody knows. There are times I feel like I will never cease to go around the same mountain. My legs knocked out from under me in the same place. The arrow always hits the same chink in my armor. Ecclesiastes talks about seasons, but Fall and Winter feel interminable. My weaknesses are always the same; insecurity, need for affirmation, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being loved.

Some days are worse than others. I’m trying to teach myself to respond in the moment to each thought and feeling. Take each one to the Holy Spirit, asking for insight. I go to sleep asking for Him to speak into my purpose and identity. Because that’s where the buck stops. Where each question leads. Who am I? What am I? Where am I?

Each weakness is like a hole in my soul made by a melon-baller…or scooped out by the teeth of a piranha. By the way, did you know that vampire bats don’t actually suck blood? They scoop out a shallow well on their prey, often a cow, and lap up the blood. Yumm. Sorry, I chased a rabbit there. Odd thing about the Holy Spirit though. When I go to Him about my hurt, He doesn’t put another bandaid on it. He lifts away the dressings, and wiggles into each little hole, and then starts speaking to me about Himself. And about me. Who is Jesus going to become for me here, that He could not be in any other capacity? What am I going to discover about His character in this place of weakness?

My favorite verse in Song of Solomon is 8:5. ‘Who is this coming out of the wilderness, leaning on her Beloved?’ The Spirit is the One that leads us into the wilderness, not the Enemy. He’s not there to embarrass us; He’s there to reveal our need for Him. The only reason the Enemy offered food to Jesus was because Jesus was hungry. He was weak. He had to lean on the Spirit. There is something very precious in pursuing Him into the weakness. The Lord gave Jacob a new name to go along with his new limp. I don’t think we are supposed to pursue Him to find a fix. I think we are to pursue Him to get a new name.

A name is a world. A name holds promise. A name prophesies over our future;

Rev elation 2:17 'He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, to him I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it.'

What is He saying to you in your weakness? Who does He want to be in this place that He could not be in any other place? I’m ready to be lead into the wilderness. I’m ready to hear that name.

The List

When I was in college just about every girl I knew had the list. You know, THE LIST? Every single list had stipulations for each girl’s dream man. Tall, dark hair, blonde, blue eyes, brown, funny, smart…usually the list didn’t stipulate that the man have money since we were going to a bible college. But each girl was thinking it. The one caveat that was thrown in haphazardly was that he would be passionate about God. We all wanted that, but some knew the importance of it more than others.

I only had one item on my list. I just wanted the man I married to have a great dad. I wanted him to know how to be a father. So I married that guy. He had a great dad, and he is and is becoming an amazing father to our three kids. He’s given me glimpses into what our Father is really like.

Now I’m on the other side of my list; my marriage takes work, we still aren’t great at communication, and I still need to be told I’m pretty. ;) But we have hope; we really love each other. And in spite of how tough it is sometimes, we know that love means intentionality. Covenant.

Lately I feel like I’ve run headlong into a wall of grief. Grieving women. Some of them, like me, started off with the answer to their list. A man that loved God…and as far as they can tell, that love is a phenomenon of the past. For most women that are running hard after God, to be one flesh with someone that does not is heartbreaking. It is crazy easy to honor and respect a man that is seeking intimacy with Jesus…and it is crazy hard to honor and respect a man who isn’t.

This is just a perspective of mine, but I believe that the sin of the man in the Garden was the ‘step up’ sin. Adam failed to step up and lead. He failed to remind Eve of what the Lord had told them about the Tree. Instead, he sat on his ass and let Eve ‘step up’. Instead of taking his family into a place of maturity, he sat back and did nothing because it was easier.

I’m pointing out Adam’s weakness because I want to emphasize his gifted purpose. Yes, the man is the head. But the head of what? Paul says he’s the head of the family like Jesus is the Head of the Church. What does that look like? When Paul say the man is to love his wife like Christ loves the Church, what does that mean? If it means just to die for her, that’s easy. Is there more? I like how Bill Johnson describes the marital unit, “The husband is to set the example for sacrifice, and the wife provides the atmosphere of love and nurturing”. Set the example for sacrifice? That’s a different form of leadership. Actually, I thought that was the female form of leadership.

Women are good at sacrifice. We have this resilient strength that just keeps on giving. But we aren’t the ones that are called to die, just like the Church isn’t asked to die for her Bridegroom. We are called to be loved, and to love in return. To give out of love.

The two things that make walking in our design that much harder is the combination of the Curse and the strategy of the Enemy. Hard work with little return knocks a man’s legs out from under him, while Satan’s strategy is to circumvent God’s design entirely. He learns to believe that sacrifice is ugly, and hard work is fruitless and purposeless. And he believes the lie that if he truly sacrifices himself, he will lose himself. Why lose himself to a woman? Or to God? Vulnerability only earns pain.

So what happens when you’re married to someone who doesn’t want to grow with God, or with you? We women have a decision to make. And the thing that makes it that much harder is tied into our Curse. We can step over the man and lead, or we can sacrifice. Each choice plays directly into the plan of the Enemy.  Both of those roles are for the man; headship and sacrifice. Not that the woman shouldn’t sacrifice, since we are all called to sacrifice in the faith, but that men should go first. Once we step in to the man’s gift, we circumvent our own. We can’t lead or sacrifice and create the culture of love that pushes our family towards Jesus. We really can’t do it all. So what are we supposed to do?

Since I’m still in the process of being a wife, I’m still trying to puzzle this one out. I think it starts with looking at Jesus, since He is the most beautiful picture of sacrifice and passion. When I am struggling along day after day, and yearning for the perfect husband…the one that captures me with a glance, that prioritizes God and then me, that would rather give more of himself than give to himself.  When I’m overwhelmed with feeling like I have to do it all and that my husband doesn’t see, I look at Jesus. He fills me up and I don’t have to lead or sacrifice. I can just love Him and then love my husband. I keep seeing this picture of me reaching up to Jesus, while my husband embraces me around my waist. (Song of Solomon 2:6) With God, all things are possible. I don’t have to do it. He will do it.