Peacekeeping and Peacemaking

After the recent election, the amount of fear and anxiety I saw in social media really concerned me. When I asked one of my favorite leaders what to do about it, her reply was to receive peace and give peace. Last night I woke at four am and started thinking about all the weapons that I've learned to wield in my battle for my mind and heart and how that has affected my life. At four am the words in my head seemed profound, but I don't remember most of them so I'll just start with a list. :)

1. Forgiveness.
           Forgiveness is the most beautiful gift. How selfless did Jesus have to be to die, sinless, so that we could be forgiven? No punishment. Instead, restoration of relationship. For me, forgiveness has had to become a lifestyle choice. It's not a little thing. For those of us who have experienced abuse, oppression, etc, it feels wrong to forgive. It seems like the opposite of what should happen. Relinquishing the need to demand a debt paid. But in this upside down Kingdom, it's the only way to have freedom. My soul is my own. I don't want to spend another second letting bitterness, fear, and anguish wreck my joy. This is a path that is not fully possible without God. Not only does He heal, He restores and brings us on the other side with more than we had. Like the Hebrews leaving Egypt with riches.

2. Thankfulness
          This used to be impossible for me. I looked at my childhood and just felt a huge gaping hole. I had no happy memories, only trauma. To be thankful felt like a farce. How could God ask me to be thankful when I had nothing to be thankful for? Scripture tells us to be thankful in everything, not for everything. So undoubtedly it's a substance not contingent on circumstances or things. I started practicing thankfulness. I just started thanking Him. Even when I didn't feel it. Even when I felt like I was going to throw up. You know what happened? All that junk, that bitterness, that scar tissue, the horror....started to break up like arctic ice in the spring. I started feeling positive feelings for the first time ever. Real joy. Whenever I get locked into my performance anxiety, thankfulness is my first weapon of choice.

3. Rewriting my brain.
            This is a follow up on the first two. We have control over our thoughts. Some of our thoughts aren't ours. Some of our thoughts are the fruit of wrong belief systems. BUT!! We can change how we think. If the thought doesn't lead to joy, to hope, to vision and to love, then it is not our best. When I have thoughts that lead me into negativity, fear, anxiety, hopelessness...then I ask God what I am believing. Once I see the lie, then I ask Him what His truth is. It's always better. It's always life giving. And it always comes with the grace to rewrite the old junky way of thinking.

4. Changing how I speak.
               This is a follow up on the third. :) Out of the heart the mouth speaks. What are we saying? Our words reveal what we believe about God, the world, ourselves and each other.

5.  Worship
               Worship is one of the biggest weapons I have. Spiritual warfare doesn't have to be all crazy and loud and sweaty. It can just be elevating His Name over the situation. Giving Him glory. Adoring Him. He's a good father. He's my best friend. He's my comforter. Everything has to bow before Him.

So the first five weapons I listed are foundational. It's about creating good ground; pulling out the weeds, chucking out the rocks, and planting the right stuff. It's about learning to have peace, and to keep it. To rest in Him and what He says about me. To know the truth and to walk in it. This next tool I want to talk about is something I recently discovered. But before I tell you what it is, I want to talk about peace making. Recently my daughter came to me and said, Mom, peace is better than war. I said, You're right. And sometimes we have to have war to make peace. I always think about peace making like pulling out the big guns. Maybe a Colt 45 Peacemaker... ;)
This last year I battled anxiety in the wee hours of the morning. I'd wake up and not be able to sleep. I tried my other weapons; worship, prayer, etc. It was a fight. Too much of a fight. Then one night I realized that I was fighting defensively, not offensively. Did I not know Whose I was? It was like I was fighting on my back. I mean, I was because I was in bed, but I was on my back in the spirit.

So I call my most recently discovered weapon, My Roar. At three am in the morning, I got angry. All of my insides swirled up and roared at my anxiety. IT FELT SO GOOD. I am strong, because He is strong. I am perfect because He is. I am whole. I am forgiven. I have grace. I have joy. I WILL TAKE THIS LAND. AND THEN I WILL GIVE IT AWAY.

I want you to live the fullest, most healthy, most joyous life possible. I say that because I KNOW HIM. That's what He wants for you. Stop living on your back. Address your soul soil. FIGHT! WIN!

Jessica's Song

I heard your step at the door and I waited
To hear your voice and it came
You called so gently and sweetly
My heart leaped

But I was slow to come and when my hand turned the latch you had left
My soul cried out its loss
Oh that I was quick to answer your call

I ran and searched but didn't find you
I was laughed at and teased.
"Why don't you want what we are all satisfied with?"
But I am not. I am not satisfied.

Where is my heart song? Where is He who beckons and raptures my soul? How could He leave me dry and panting? I thought I had lost all.

But then He was there all at once and little by little. I knew Him. I knew the one who called through the door. I knew the one who formed my soul. He laughed and I laughed and joy was the wedding and hope conceived.

All at once and little by little.

Ugly Prayers

I talk to God all the time. Not formally, more like just having a conversation with my friend or my dad. Sometimes it isn't pretty. I don't always know how to frame the feelings I'm having. Last night I was feeling overrun with shame and fear, for no reason. As I prayed about it, I saw how I had partnered with shame all my life. Well, sometimes you just have to renounce that junk. I wrote this last night, kind of a poem, kind of a song. But it was my prayer.

Shame is not my father. Rejection is not my sister. Fear is not my brother. I have revoked my bond with them. They have no hold.

The Lord of Hosts is my father. He adopted me. His heart is towards me. His heart is full of loving kindness. I am pierced, like Him; because of love. I am His. The transaction is eternal. It can't be broken. Death is a glory, but resurrection is Love realized.

Whom have I but You? You lead me, heal me, fill me. Call me higher, further, deeper. Show me your face and let us be one.

Sometimes I am strong and ready to run. Sometimes I am broken and falling. And you are there. Do what you need to do to bring me into your purposes. Be gentle for I am weak and hungry for love.

I am not always holy or whole. But I am because you are. I don't pray the right words and my heart feels raw and rebellious and fearing. But I will fear not. Because You.

Highlights

I woke up very early this morning worrying. Life looms larger in the darkness sometimes. I got up, made coffee and opened my bible app. The daily verse didn't speak. I then started scrolling through all my highlighted verses. I have verses highlighted back to 2012! These are verses that spoke to me directly; what I'd call highlighted by His spirit. Maybe verses I needed to hear. Comfort. Maybe a promise for the future. They were so good. The first entries were from Isaiah 54 so I read the whole chapter and cried. I'm so grateful for the highlights. I can see where He has been faithful to speak in the moments I can't hear anything but fear. I'd challenge you to start making note of scripture that seems to target you. Expect Him to fulfill His Word. His lovingkindness is never ending. 

“"For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.”

Habakkuk 2:3 NASB

http://bible.com/100/hab.2.3.nasb

In The Stillness

There are many times in my day and night that the world seems to slow, and I become aware of me. The quiet, my mood, my heartbeat, my fear. Lately, every time I arrive at that place I feel anxiety, and then I hear, Fear Not. 

I want to live fearlessly. I used to wake in the middle of the night feeling dread. I thought it was all the things I'd procrastinated, but as I've matured and stopped procrastinating, the feeling has remained. I know that's the enemy, and he had no right to my mind or my sleep. I want to train myself to know my heartbeat, but to hear His in the steadiness of the quiet. A little like touching the railing while walking down a stair case. It's there, ready for me. 

“For as the waters fill the sea, the earth will be filled with an awareness of the glory of the LORD.”

Habakkuk 2:14 NLT

http://bible.com/116/hab.2.14.nlt

This is a promise. God plans to fill the earth with an awareness of Him. I want to be walking in that awareness, and be a railing for others. Ready. Still. An echo of the Fathers heartbeat. ❤️

A Simple Gospel

Once upon a time, a father had a son. The son was much loved, and adventurous and creative. One day the son decided he wanted to start his own venture, but he needed capital. So he asked his father for an early inheritance. The father wanted to do it WITH the son, but he loved his son so much he gave him the money and his independence. The son left with his money and broke the fathers heart. Every day the father would look out the door hoping to see his son, but to no avail. Till one day many years later, he finally saw him coming a long way down the road. The father didn't stop to put his shoes on; he just ran to grab his son and hold him. The son was broken and ashamed and filthy, but the father didn't care. He had his son back. 

Fear is a powerful influencer, but it's a lot like an abusive spouse. You either submit to its tyranny or leave it...often to find other fears. 

The church has used heaven and hell as very powerful gospel tools. They are quite effective...until they aren't. They get you to sign up for the product, but the reward system is impractical. I mean, how do you know you've chosen well until you die? 

Jesus never used those tools. He loved and hugged. He healed and set people free. He talked about Kingdom. He said the way to the kingdom was wholeheartedly following Him. He talked about living a whole and restored life. About trusting God in the moment for your daily needs. If He expressed anger it was towards the religious leaders not walking in love and promoting behavior over relationship. He made wine for drunk people. He paid taxes with fish money. And, He said He only did what He saw the Father doing. Jesus is not the nice version of the Father; He and the Father are one. (John 10:30) 

Shame is not part of His plan. That's a tool of the enemy. We can't agree with that. Conviction is a tool of the Holy Spirit. Shame drives us away from God, conviction drives us to Him. Shame says, I suck. I'm worthless. I can't be with Him because I'm dirty. Conviction says, Woah. This isn't good. I need to take this to my Father. I can't fix it on my own. His ideas are full of life. And He has the best hugs. 

The whole purpose of life with Him is that we become like Him. Because we become like the people we are with. Salvation is not about fire insurance. It's about becoming a son and daughter and changing the world. 

Company Clean

Yesterday was my main housecleaning day. I managed to get fifty percent done. We are rather a messy family, and I definitely have to put effort into having the house clean before company comes over. I'm teaching the kids to clean, and often it feels like more work than the actual job. 😉

I was thinking about how so many of us practice a type of confession before taking communion. Or repent at some point during a church service. These things are always important, yet I wonder if it's like cleaning house for company. Is that the first time this week we asked His opinion on something? Jesus, just a second. I gotta pick up a few things. 

It's actually a little funny. I mean, the King is IN US. He has already made us righteous. He's right there while we pick up the clothes off the floor and rinse out the sink. He's waiting for a conversation in the middle of Life. He's our good friend, our spouse, our brother, our father, our source. Our constant. 

If we are sinning during the week, why? Did we make Him Lord or not? Even better, what is that sin offering that satisfies us? Those are the questions He's asking. What's going on? In your heart? I've got a thought about that. Let's talk. 

Jesus is not about crime and punishment. That's our legal system. This is the New Covenant and Jesus is all about restoration and relationship. Stop cleaning for company and let Him live life with you. 😘❤️🌱

Fruity

First year anniversary at our home in Stilwell, Oklahoma. We've done so much work creating our farm life, and still more work to be done. But that's ok; I wake up every day overjoyed at where God has put us. A friend rightfully commented on my Facebook post this morning; 'You get spontaneous joy from being obediently grateful.' So true. 

I think the Christian thought is that joy is a fruit of the spirit and that it will magically be in you. But maybe God doesn't want to just throw fruit at us. Maybe He wants us to be an orchard. Or an oak. Or a vineyard. We always think survival; God thinks multigenerationally. With family in mind. The Vinedresser prunes us according to His desires, because the fruit isn't for us it's for the Body. 😆😂❤️

I used to think of my life as a road with a lot of potholes in it, and God was filling them. God is interested in healing and restoration, yes, but He does that to build foundation. He plans to build on top of all that smooth, healed heart. I've spent a lot of time learning about my brain and how it works. Joy doesn't land on our brain with all its crappy thoughts. It's grown; which is why it's called a fruit. Find out what you're thinking and why you're thinking it. Invite Him into your thought life. He's already there, but He does like to be included. He's not waiting for you to sit down with your devotional. He's waiting to walk with you, hand in hand, and He wants to create a place of abundance with your life. To bless Him and feed His family. 😊❤️

Civil War

I was watching The Good, The Bad and the Ugly with my love. Like many times before I was struck by the civil war scenes. I looked it up; 620,000 died in our American Civil War, more than any other war in history. My husband reminded me that there wasn't a draft; men on both sides enlisted to fight a battle that was basically over ideology. It was about freedom; but how the freedom was administered and to whom was the topic that thousands died a horrific death over. 

In the wake of the tragedy in Orlando, it feels like we are constantly trying to kill each other. If not with guns, we kill with rhetoric. And hate. And lack of perspective. It's as if the red and the blue wish, once again, to fight. 

I have good news though. It doesn't have to stop here, in the place we face off, brother against brother. This is where it will end; 

“"For the earth will be filled With the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, As the waters cover the sea.”

Habakkuk 2:14 NASB

http://bible.com/100/hab.2.14.nasb

And here; 

“Then the seventh angel sounded; and there were loud voices in heaven, saying, "The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ; and He will reign forever and ever."”

Revelation 11:15 NASB

http://bible.com/100/rev.11.15.nasb

Jesus came to reveal the face of the Father. His is a face of restoration and hope. Of Love. 

In the midst of devastation, we get to choose who we agree with; love or fear. Reconciliation and hope, or anger and blame. 

I choose Him. 

Salted with Grace

“Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”

Colossians 4:5-6 NASB

http://bible.com/100/col.4.5-6.nasb

Last night I cut a thirteen pound brisket into two pieces, and ad libbed a dry rub and a braising liquid. After fourteen hours at 200 degrees I pulled them out and tasted. The dry rubbed was a little sweet, the braised...well something wasn't right. I'd thrown a couple tablespoons of whiskey in and it didn't taste very good. Then I realized it needed salt. It chagnged the whole flavor! It was so good! 

Grace is like that. It's indispensable, but often overlooked. It can change a whole conversation. It's easy to acquire, too. Just think where'd you be without Jesus. Now, if you think you e done it all pretty well by yourself, or if you've pulled yourself up by your bootstraps, that's what you will communicate. 

Why can't you do it? Why can't you figure it out? Just do it. See? That's just no fun. Graceless. 😆😉

Add some salt. You'll taste much better. 😁😘😘😘😉

Drastic Cuts

I've been setting a lot of goals for myself and today I'm a total failure. I told my husband I was discouraged. When he asked why and I told him, he said, "Why don't you ask God what His goals for you might be?" Yeah. 😒

So I've been trying to pull myself out of my funk by listening to a sermon. The pastor used a story that stuck out to me. 

A guy hires an arborist to come trim a tree in his front yard. The arborist says, "Before I start, what do you want? Do you want a tree that looks good or a tree that bears fruit? If you just want it to look good I will round it off and just trim a little. If you want it to have fruit I will need to make more drastic cuts." 

I usually have an idea of how I want Christ to be formed in me. Maybe an Instagram type journey, filled with strengths and creativity. Instead I get to be a mom of three growing kids, on a farm in a fixer upper house. Dirt, poop and back talk. Drastic cuts. 

The Holy Spirit is full of hope. He pulls me along and let's me see peeks of what He's doing. And it's like nothing I ever planned. Christ in me, the hope of glory. 

CS Lewis describes this really well; 

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

I Won't Be Overwhelmed

“I look up to the hills, but where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not let you be defeated. He who guards you never sleeps. He who guards Israel never rests or sleeps. The LORD guards you. The LORD is the shade that protects you from the sun. The sun cannot hurt you during the day, and the moon cannot hurt you at night. The LORD will protect you from all dangers; he will guard your life. The LORD will guard you as you come and go, both now and forever.”

Psalms 121:1-8 NCV

http://bible.com/105/psa.121.1-8.ncv

Monday's are full days for me. I wouldn't say I get the Monday blues, because in a way I enjoy them. The return to structure, the gradually evolving cleaner house, kids quietly busy with school. I do, however, get a little overwhelmed. What should I prioritize? House? Farm? Parenting? All of it? 

Most Monday's I have to pull myself back to refuel and rest more than I thought I'd need to. I found myself singing this today. 

https://youtu.be/f3aZ-MgE8aU

Momentum

Eben has transitioned to a bigger bike. He had a little Red Rider that didn't have pedals and he'd balance and coast along like no one's business. This new bike has pedals and no training wheels. I'm trying to tell him that he has to be moving to balance. He needs momentum. 

“fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:2 NASB

http://bible.com/100/heb.12.2.nasb

Sometimes in our efforts to hear God, please God, follow God...we forget to do life. All throughout the Bible, God encountered people while they were doing things. David was tending sheep, Saul was finding donkeys, Peter and John were fishing. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm a mountaintop person. My ideal getaway location is a cabin in Alaska with only airplane access. 

And it's ok to find a clear spot to listen. In fact, I find it imperative. But I can't forget that He is with me in the day to day. I can get through the day to day, because Im learning to dream. To build. I created a generation, and it's growing, with or without me. 

The coolest part is that in the waiting, the growing, the building, the dreaming...I can have joy. I can get through the hard stuff because He's walking with me. He's meeting me and I'm meeting Him.I think this is one of the things Jesus thought of when He endured the Cross; unhindered friendship with His creation. Nothing to keep us from His love. No sin. No shame. Just the walk with joy. Now that's heaven on earth. 

Deep Wells

“"For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, The fountain of living waters, To hew for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns That can hold no water.”

Jeremiah 2:13 NASB

http://bible.com/100/jer.2.13.nasb

Most of the time we see sin as the problem. But it's not. Sin is the solution. We had a problem, and we solved it our own way. 

Beginning with Adam and Eve, we've sought to solve our problems ourselves. We are trying to be like God without God. But we can't. It's a long, slow death, because we were designed to be connected to Him. 

I'd always been taught that my sin made God pull away from me. That's a lie. Nothing can separate me from the love of God. What can happen is that I let my shame or my pride make ME pull away. It's like potty training a toddler that doesn't want to poop in the potty. You realize you haven't heard he or she in quite a while, and you know they are somewhere hidden, pooping. It's not the poop that separated you from them, it was their realization about the poop. ☺️

Don't hide with your poop. Don't focus on it. Just bring it to God and flush it. Nothing separates us from Him. Nothing. We can come boldly before the throne of grace and talk to our Daddy. And nothing satisfies like Him. There's more to be had. Always more. Further up and further in. 

https://youtu.be/KcJaKj45QGA

Between Your Ears

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

Romans 12:2-3 NASB

http://bible.com/100/rom.12.2-3.nasb

I love how the verse that talks about renewing our mind precedes the verse in how to think of ourselves. Isn't it funny that it says not to think more highly than we ought to think, but it doesn't say what we ought to think? 😆 God wants to talk to you about you in your relationship with him. He wants you to learn to use the mind of Christ. I say use, because we all have it and most of us don't employ it. We still think with bitterness, unforgiveness, rejection, fear, worry. When we try to solve life with ourselves as the solution, we miss the mark. That's what sin is; missing the mark. We can't fix ourselves; we have to die. 

The Holy Spirit wants to teach you how to think. I love how Graham Cooke says, "If the thought you're thinking isn't working for you, have another thought!"

When we start aligning our thoughts with His, the fruit of the spirit doesn't grow up funky. Lol. We had a barn when I was young that we stored potatoes in. Some rolled under their racks and hibernated. Then they'd sprout but look really weird; long, pale and alien-like. That's us with an unrenewed mind. 

God never used the term 'wretched sinner' to refer to us. Those are our words, and they are wrong. God came as the son of man to die for His creation. He feels passionately about us. He alone decides our worth, and we were worth it. 

Bill Johnson says, "I can't afford to have a thought in my head about myself that isn't His." 

What would happen if we began to think like Jesus, and see ourselves as He sees us? 

The One and Only

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."”

John 13:34-35 NASB

http://bible.com/100/jhn.13.34-35.nasb

This is really the only commandment Jesus gave us. In the Old Covenant there were Ten Commandments, of course compounded by many more rules. In the New Covenant there is this one. If you want a further description of what it means to love each other, read 1 Cor 13. It's not there to just be quoted at weddings. 😆 It's 11pm right now and I've committed to writing a daily devotional. That's love. I think. ☺️

You can't love without being loved first. It's impossible. Fortunately God foresaw this; We love Him because He first loved us. 

Most of us live with an idea of love, but not an encounter with the God of Love. Philosophy and brain farts can't get us there. We need to have heaven meet earth like a sloppy wet kiss in our hearts. Then again and again until we overflow. 

The church hasn't been known for Her love. Let's change that. ❤️

Rednecks and Jesus

“Now as they observed the confidence of Peter and John and understood that they were uneducated and untrained men, they were amazed, and began to recognize them as having been with Jesus.”

Acts 4:13 NASB

http://bible.com/100/act.4.13.nasb

Peter and John were fishermen. They didn't go to seminary. They weren't cultured. They were basically rednecks. I've met rednecks in upstate New York, Long Island and Connecticut. I've met rednecks in the south, where everyone expects them to be. They are fun people...and they definitely have culture; redneck culture. Lol. They value fish fries, family and a good beer. The closest to philosophy they come to is, 'Here's your Sign'. (A redneck commentary on stupidity) 😅

The people listening to Peter and John were aware of their background as fishermen. Which was in stark contrast to their confidence, authority and the content of their message. At the end of this verse they realized what has transformed them; they had been with Jesus. 

Being with Jesus had transformed them as men. Their identity and mission and presence had been irrevocably changed. 

I've read a lot of books, listened to a lot of sermons, studied a lot of things. But what has marked me is my time spent with Him. Time in His presence, reading the Word, and learning to hear His voice. 

The person I am today is unrecognizable from the girl that first said yes. He's a friend. He's a Father. He's a lover. And He wanted me. 

He wants you. At this moment, He wants to hang out with you. He likes you. He sees the you you've never even conceived of. He sees you whole, walking in power and authority. A redneck that has been with Jesus. 

“" Who is this coming up from the wilderness Leaning on her beloved?" 

Song of Solomon 8:5 NASB

http://bible.com/100/sng.8.5.nasb

Profit

Again awake in the wee hours last night. Here's the verse that spoke. 

“Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, Who leads you in the way you should go.”

Isaiah 48:17 NASB

What is profit? Well, in a strictly economical sense, it is the money you make after you pay off your initial investment and your overhead. Like product and salaries. If there is no profit, the business will fail. 

I read this verse last night and I felt such a strength in God's tone. Ownership. Fathership. "You are mine. I will lead you. You can trust me. I will teach you to live an abundant life." 

There is no profit in meager possibilities. It behooves us nothing to live in lack. Even more, it behooves others nothing for us as believers to live in lack. Fiscally, lack of character, lack of love. We will fail if we don't have more than enough; enough to spill it onto others. Profit. 

It's said that hurt people hurt people. The opposite is also true. Healed people heal people. Freed people free people. Blessed people bless people. FORGIVEN PEOPLE FORGIVE PEOPLE. 

That last one is so important. I see so little grace and love is in the world. If the Church truly knew how much she is forgiven and loved, how could we impact the world? 

The goodness of God is waiting on us.  😊❤️

What's At The End?

I grew up thinking that when I got to heaven, all my life would be played before everyone. Like a movie. All my actions, attitudes and expressions revealed before everyone. Then God would judge me. 

But it says in John that those who believe will not be judged...that is, condemned. 

“For God did not send His Son to the world that he may judge the world, but that the world may be saved through him; he who is believing in him is not judged, but he who is not believing hath been judged already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”

John 3:17-18 YLT98

http://bible.com/821/jhn.3.17-18.ylt98

There will be a Great White Throne Judgement, but we will not be judged based on our unrighteousness, but our righteousness. Remember, Jesus is our righteousness. I heard a great description of this recently. Instead of a movie screen, our our life will be before us and a fire will burn it. The wasted time, immaturity, wrong actions and attitudes will be burned away like chaff, and what remains; what we did out of relationship Him...that is what will remain. The jewels on our crown. 

I like this example in that it is based on Jesus, not on fear and shame. "You better act right or we will see it on your movie!" Lol. 

This takes all the fear out of my relationship with Jesus. I get to pursue Him, be pursued by Him, and watch my heart grow in love. This is a good good life. ❤️❤️❤️

Parenting, A Measure

"Parenting isn't measured so much by what you do, as by who you are." My husband sent me that quote early this morning. I find this scary true, or excitingly true.

Children happen. One day I woke up and I was a mother. How do I do this thing called mothering? I felt prepared. I knew how to change diapers, dry tears, schedule naptime. I'd say the first few years were easy...considering. Then one day I woke up and realized I'd made people. That was a shock. Little minds, little hearts.

I look back over the last twelve years and I know that it's been a mess. Life was a mess, and so was my parenting. I was so busy trying to put myself together that I had nothing left to sow into my kids. That's the blessing and curse of generations.

God created family for blessing. It's an organism that passes down amazing things from one generation to the next. The consecutive generations should never have to rebuild what the first started. But, as with everything he touches, the enemy came to steal, kill and destroy. What was created for exponential glory could be circumvented for exponential devastation. A very large percentage of us come from broken and unhealthy families. What kind of parenting does this foster? More brokenness.

I look back over the last twelve years and I see Jesus. Always there, waiting to love me. Heal me. Put me together. He is always faithful and kind. I see myself with grace. In the Old Testament Sarah was described as mocking God when she was told she'd have a baby in her old age. In the New Testament she's described as the one who counted Him faithful. That's the beauty of the Cross. We aren't alone. We can be grafted into the Family that has no beginning and no end. God enjoyed Family so much that He recreated it. That's us. If we want it. I don't come from brokenness. I come from Wholeness. I am infinitely loved.

A good man or woman gives an inheritance to their children's children. I want to give so much more than just a financial blessing to my family line. I want to give peace, hope, joy, faithfulness, kindness, gentleness. Love. That's the Measure of God. Filled and Overflowing.

Lessons I've Learned as a Worshipping Musical Person

English is a clumsy language. When I say lessons I've learned, I really mean...learned and learning. Perfect tense. It's a continual learning, and I pray it never stops. The learning is so fun and fruitful that arrival is a lesser thing. :)

I love music, and I love using it to adore the One. He's becoming my best friend. To me, using music to worship is like the most intimate parts of marriage. Not necessarily sex...but whatever intimate tool you can use to establish the best connection. Music is the medium.

I had to go to Siloam Springs to Aldi today...so I had a lot of time to think. I thought I'd just list some of the things I've learned and fought through in the past few years...in regards to worship...and being a musical person.

1. The Ratings System
I used to analyze and quantify and attempt to define my ability. Whatever it was, it wasn't good enough. Not compared to the incredible musicians I was surrounded by. I was desperate to see where I stood, and my worth depended on how good or bad I was. A couple years ago I hit a wall and Jesus began to lead me through the slow process of chucking all that out the window.
Now, what I am worth is defined by the One who died to save me. Every day I ask for Him to tell me who I am. I'm not allowed to compare myself to others.

2. I am infinite.
I think most of us think we are finite beings. But we aren't. God is infinite and He created us to be infinite. Our ability to learn and grow is limitless. We are the only ones that provide limits. God is anxious for us to dream with Him. To grow in Him. He gave us all gifts, and we aren't stuck with them being exactly as they are. Our gifts can grow with us.

3. Humility
Humility isn't thinking that we are worthless, or that it's pride to love ourselves or our gifts. If I am constantly slamming myself or my abilities, what is that saying about Him? He created me for joy, for creativity, for overcoming. I'm learning to enjoy what He gave me. That isn't pride. It's learning to be a daughter with a good father. I heard someone say that true humility is knowing who we are without Jesus, and knowing who we are WITH Him. Everthing I am begins and ends in Him. He is my source.

4. Praise from others.
 I like attention and affirmation. I like to be told, specifically, what makes me special and unique and a blessing. But you know what? If I took every compliment and accolade and put it all together and stuffed it into my heart it still wouldn't fill me up. However, if I sit down in His presence and let my heart soften till I feel what He is saying, that's all I want. It's not that I don't want praise; it's that I've heard what He says and it's better. :)

5. Overflow
Learning how to pursue Him privately is the most important. I'm horrible at practicing, and when I do practice, it shows. In the same way, all the stuff I do with Him at home and in the quiet place will overflow in corporate worship. It's actually very hard for me to worship with a lot of people around. I've found though that the more I've practiced being with Him I become less aware of others when I'm in a corporate setting.

6. Hope
Hope deferred makes the heart sick. To think that what I have is all I have and there's no point in pursuit is a death knell. Knowing there's so much more and that His heart is for me gives me strength in the hard moments and joy and peace in the journey. There's so much ahead. It will only get better. :)