Right and Wrong

No matter how we try to spin it or avoid it, we all have a deep innate need to decipher right from wrong. For myself, I see right and wrong coming from three sources; what God says is right and wrong, what society says is right and wrong, and what I think is right and wrong. This seems entirely harmless until we also recognize that we like to reward 'good', and punish 'bad'. This is the core of why disagreements can be a big deal; we are trying to reward or punish based on different sets of values.

Even within these sources of proposed morality is even greater divides; what I think about how society should be ordered is almost guaranteed to be different from yours. What I think about God, even if we both agree He exists, can differ from yours. Just try to compare the doctrine of Calvin and Wesley, two very passionate men of God, and you'll see how disparate their experience and thoughts are.

So what does this all mean if it means anything at all? Well, we all want to know who is right, and I hope it's me. ;) That is, we all hope it's ourselves. For those of us that believe that God exists, we know we will find out eventually...and that can be an exciting prospect. (or terrifying) For those that think that God doesn't exist, well who cares who is right or wrong? Your chosen morality only affects your current experience.

I have a pretty high justice value. Which means my need to reward or punish is very intense. I've been trying to pull myself back from that because in the process of experiencing how our morality butts heads, I lose my peace. I get upset. So, I'm in the middle of learning how to express myself and not lose my peace when someone else loses theirs. ;) Dang it's hard! 

Steps to not lose it:

1. Realize that I can only control myself. If I get offended it's because I chose to, not because someone made me. I have power over myself, and I'm not conceding it to another.

2. I can't control other people. I can try to be sensitive, but at some point or another I will offend. It's inevitable. Again, I can only control my response.

3. I don't know everything. Someone may have a perspective or more knowledge or wisdom than I do. Honor dictates that I respect everyone, because I believe that we are all made in the image of God.

4. My experience dictates that there is something greater than all of this. 

A good friend told me this today; "When you find people not accepting you, God is happy to have you to Himself." I don't always have it right, and that's really not important anyway. I am loved, and it's my privilege to be a much-loved child. God originally wanted to give us Life, and we chose knowledge of good and evil. It's a fight that never ends, because we can never find the answer within ourselves.  The answer starts with Death, and ends with Life. 

“It means,” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward."

The Little Cross

Nothing reminds me more of my shortcomings than motherhood. Three children with three disparate personalities and three sets of needs, all of which I can't begin to fill. Surprisingly, or perhaps not surprisingly depending on who you are, I find it easy to excuse myself.

I'm tired. I didn't have my needs met when I was a kid. I lived in poverty. The list is never ending. Whatever they need in order to become fantastic, whole adults...I don't have it. But, they really need it.

Many of us have heard our parents make excuses too, and this is usually what keeps me from going down that path. Their excuses served us not at all.

I think, for the most part, that people have an intense dislike for responsibility. No, make that a stark fear. We are breathtakingly afraid of seeing where we fall short, afraid that to carry it would break us. Few want to turn their easy judgement of others selfward. In the end, we run away. To find a fig leaf. Like an excuse will make it all ok.

But it doesn't, and it can't. And that's the whole point. My personal history is real and valid, and is much of the reason my cup is too empty to pour out. But my spiritual poverty just makes me more vividly aware of my need for Him.

For most believers, the theology of the Cross is simply thus; Jesus died and took the punishment for all our sin.

This is true; but to leave it at that is to make the enormity of the Cross into something small. If the propitiation of the world's sin could be seen as small.

Jesus died for way more than covering our asses so we can get into Heaven. He was fully God, fully man, lived and died and rose again to place us back where we were at the beginning; man and woman as Sons and Daughters of God. Poised to take over the entire Earth, to regain our lost ground and to become a Bride without spot or wrinkle.

If I simply use Jesus' sacrifice to keep my nose clean, that's like only requiring my kids to just keep their room clean for the rest of their lives. The work of the Cross, of suffering for Him, of resisting the onslaught of the Enemy...these things project us into maturity. We are supposed to be taking ground, not just holding onto our little plot of soil.

Our responsibility isn't to carry our failure; our responsibility lies in being willing to see it and then saying 'yes'.

I can't do it Jesus. I'm weak. But I want You more than anything, and I want Your dreams to be fulfilled for me more than I want my own comfort.

This is what I know: He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. Because that is Who He is.

Soul Garden

One of my favorite books as I was growing up was the Secret Garden. I don't want to summarize the story, just that there's a secret walled garden with much of the contents dead or asleep. The reason it was shut up and lost to time was because of a tragedy at the center; a tree that broke and caused an untimely death.

Our hearts are like that. Walls around it, some larger and impassable. Some crumbling. The contents dead or alive depending on how we tend to it. Sometimes our hearts are so secret we can't even find them.

Jesus isn't content to leave our hearts in disrepair or anonymity. He breaches our walls with His passion, and gently breathes life into the devastation. The results are breathtaking. What was dead or dying comes alive with ravishing splendor. Because we learn that He is safe and our entire being rests in His love, our walls become transparent and permeable and the beauty within starts to spill out, encroaching into our surroundings.

Sometimes it really really hurts. He comes in with a shovel. Or a backhoe. He uproots evil, uncovers wounds, and gathers up the death and burns it. This is unavoidable and inescapable if we want wholeness. Pain is necessary; but it's more the pain of labor than the pain of rape. There is beauty and joy on the other side.

This is better and more glorious than anything you can imagine. This is the reason we were created. The process of intimacy, of knowing Him. If this is the goal we unreservedly pursue, how would this change the face of the Bride on the earth?

Prayer for today

Jesus, be near me.
I need to feel your presence.
My children are loud and needy,
and my own strength failing.
I fight for my breath.
I fight for my space.
I fight to speak my feelings.
Now the warrior is tired and I need to be held.

Jesus, hold me.
Let me feel your embrace and sense your Mind.
I'm anxious for your touch
like my son is anxious for mine.
I'm a mother and a wife and a friend,
but my dearest self is your child.

Speak to me, Father
Tell me who I am
Show me your Presence in my timeline
Touch my mind and help me dream again
Heal my heart and give me rest

Spirit, come nearer still.
You comfort and lead.
You silence my storm
You speak through the rain.
You wrap me in love.
Don't let go. Don't let me go.

Scream for Icecream

Have you ever wondered why God wants to be in us? After all, there is nothing good in us apart from Him. I'd think He wouldn't want His Presence diluted with all our weaknesses, immaturities...much less sin.

I got a great analogy the other day while eating ice-cream. In the beginning, God designed an infinite amount of flavors. Each one amazing, because each was a little bit of Him. Even a little bit of God is infinitely fantastic.

Well, fast forward a bit and we have Jesus. Jesus held back His Godness to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and to show us how to do it. As He looked at the Father for direction, empowered by the Holy Spirit, the result was...magical. Out of this world. God on earth.

So today God wants to do the same thing with us, and together we make something incredibly wonderful. God is like ice-cream. He is looking everywhere for someone that wants to fully submit to Him, learn His voice, follow His lead. And when He fills that person, WHAMMO! We have a tremendous example of God's presence on earth, in a remarkably unique flavor.

You.

Tasty goodness. :)

Without Spot or Wrinkle

Evidently there is some theological debate on whether Jesus 'restrained His Godhead', or 'veiled it'. I say, who gives a rats patoot. It's pretty much the same thing. Except that one thread has greater implications for us as Believers.

Are we supposed to be followers of Jesus, or are we supposed to be Jesus? Yes.

I think Jesus restrained His Godhead, only did what the Father did, and allowed the Holy Spirit to move through Him in power. If He only came to die for us and offer salvation, then salvation is the end deal.

But I don't think it is. I think Jesus is coming back for a Bride that is like Him, a Body that is in equal proportion to her Head. If we actually think we are going to be marrying up, then that would imply that Jesus is marrying down. And I don't think that's at all His intention.

I think that it is the Father's desire to grow each of us in a little Christ; a human being with godly character and moving in power, bringing the Kingdom of Heaven down to earth. After all, that is what Jesus bought and paid for. Anything less would not be enough for the Lamb of Glory.

Some church bodies think it is easier to grow believers in godly character. Fruit of the Holy Spirit, vs. the spiritual gifts. I actually think it is harder.

Our culture already esteems certain qualities; patience, kindness, goodness and the like. These are things trained into many of us, but it doesn't mean it has been grown by the Holy Spirit. It has been grown by outward control, not inner change. And who can tell by looking at a person which it is? Often we ourselves don't know until we are tried by fire.

Spiritual gifts on the other hand, are given. But many of us don't know what to do about them. How do we get them? What do we do when we have them? What will it look like? What if we make a mistake?

The Father knows all this. This was the purpose of Jesus walking with the Holy Spirit; to show you how to do it. He isn't afraid of your sin, your mistakes or your ignorance. He just wants a 'yes'.

I challenge you to invite Jesus in to prepare you for Himself. He wants you to be whole, inside and out. He wants you to be walking in all the freedom and confidence as He did. You don't need permission to start looking like Him. Just ask. And then jump. :)

My Shack

A couple years ago I read The Shack. I loved it. I thought of it today as the Holy Spirit was poking at me. I love that the main character was pulled away and hidden while God worked on his heart.

God talks to me in dreams a lot. I think because my brain is finally quiet and He can speak directly to my squishy insides. I also see pictures. Not quite visions, more like God inspired imagination. Not normally something I could come up with myself, but if I'm in the questioning mood which is often, I see if it aligns with what I know of God's heart.

Today I saw a picture of Jesus in a shack. At first He looked like a little granny, knitting. Then He grins at me and I realize it's Jesus, in a dress, knitting. I look at his hands and He's knitting scraps of a silky, vibrant substance together.

It's my heart.

While Jesus knits, I'm sitting on a windowseat, looking out. There's a meadow with horses grazing. Jesus looks at me and says, "Soon. You're going to get to go out and play." I explode into tears of joy and longing.

That place, that shack, feels so precious and quiet. I'm not sure what Jesus is doing in it, but I'm so glad to be hidden.

There's a place for you, too. A hidden place that Jesus wants to pull you away to and sing a song just for you.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” -CSLewis

The New Sins of Society

Evidently racism and sexism has become the new moral horror of the developed world. Not that they are new phenomena, but how they are treated has become really interesting.

In my understanding, both racism and sexism are beliefs that a race or sex is inferior to another. This is obviously not from the heart of God, because He created everyone in the image of Himself. There isn't a part of God that is inferior to another part of God.

We have seen racism throughout our American history in really heartbreaking ways. The English considered the Native Americans savages and somehow subhuman. Thereby justifying occupying their land, cheating and murdering them. I'm just talking the negative side; there were many who treated them with respect and consideration. The next wave came with African slaves; slavery was justified because the Negro was subhuman. Much of the Church quoted Paul to justify slavery.

The next appearance of racism was different. It appeared through immigration, and the root cause was money. The Italians hated the Irish, then the Irish hated the black man. The Californians hated the Chinese. All this was because the most recent immigrated group would work for almost nothing, and the jobs were given to them. It became easy to vilify a race that was supposedly robbing you of a job.

I have to mention the racism that occurs during war. It's almost a necessary evil. How can a good man go out a and massacre a group of people? While this may not be the intention, a soldier learns to view the enemy as less than he. How else is he to survive? Coming home at peace time poses a problem. Now the soldier has had to view each people group as equal to himself. The race that tried to kill him could be his neighbor. I'm not saying this is right, this is just the psychology that comes with the ugliness of war.

Ok, so that's racism. I know I didn't mention examples of sexism, but this is a blog not a book. There is something else that no one wants to talk about, and because we're not talking about it, it is getting mislabeled.

Everyone is different. Every race is different. Every culture is different. And we all have brains and we make observations that we are all different. It used to be the case that we would conclude that because we didn't understand someone else, this makes them inferior. I don't think this happens as much today.

Ten years ago I used to wait tables. A certain people group were really poor tippers. I mean, they left me pocket change on seventy five dollar tabs. Because I paid tip pool, a percentage of my total sales went to hostesses, busboys and bartenders, this usually meant I was actually paying to wait on them. And they were usually the highest maintenance customers. Did I hate them? No, but I had to constantly take it to Jesus. I certainly didn't think they were inferior to myself, but had I treated them with disrespect, I could have certainly been accused of racism.

This sort of thing happens all the time. Culture clashing against culture. Misunderstanding and miscommunication. Differences. When are we going to start talking about it?

Each culture or race comes with their own set of weaknesses and sins. Noticing them is not racism, it's having a brain. When will we start talking about them?

America is a tapestry of different peoples and backgrounds. Our strength doesn't lie in our sameness, it lies in our differences. Lets stop labeling something out of fear and start talking about our issues.

The Sacrifice of Drudgery

I was told recently by a good friend with a well-meaning heart that I am not a good housewife. The intent was to encourage me; that my bigger dreams were worth more than housework. Of course, that's not how I took it. ;)

I know few housewives that really feel called to housewifery. We all know it's good. Even CS Lewis says that all careers exist to support that one. But called? That somehow evokes the idea that one will feel fulfilled by doing it.

Maybe I'm just not a good housewife. I do not get fulfilled by cleaning, by picking up countless socks and toys over and over again. I am not made happy by refereeing fights, or trying to train my own children better than I was trained. There is too much fear behind the latter to make it exciting.

I know some moms who are newly inspired by 'wholesome' and 'nutritious' and 'green'. I am not. I was raised so nutritiously that the only desserts we had was on Christmas and birthdays, and the first boxed cake I made was in my teens. The first cake I made included dates and honey and whole wheat flour. I was nine. Thinking of those terms feels more like prison than joyful health. I know I'm not right, but those are my feelings.

We all love doing things that give back. I love serving and pampering my husband because he pours it back on me. But my kids and my house don't. That's a sacrifice. And boy, does it pain me.

So I've stopped trying to find fulfillment in it. I find what gives me life. Right now, spending time with Jesus, working on my music and exercise fill me up. And then I give out of that.

If you want to come visit, let me know in advance. The house won't be spotless and I will set aside time to prepare for you. I'm sowing to my heart, and I'm planning on reaping something besides exhaustion and stress. :)

Lepers

Do you ever avoid the unhealthy? I do. The super needy, the insecure, the ones with little knowledge or understanding of the spiritual, the broken. And I'm talking about believers. 

The sad part of this is that I have been avoided. In the past and even now. I have been too broken. I've needed more than others, even those in pastoral leadership can give. They can't fix me. 

Like attracts like. We like to be around people of the same level of brokenness as ourselves. That way, at least we can give to each other and it never really costs us more than we have. Even if we choose to minister to others, we do not choose to be in relationship with them.

And that's the saddest part. 

Only in relationship can we become truly healthy. Jesus is absolutely the answer. Relationship with Him, but God actually created us to meet Him also through relationship with others. 

The thing that is the hardest to see is that we are all broken. We look on the outside, and judge. We judge the poor, the fat, the socially inept. And then it switches; the judged judge the rich, the skinny, the socially popular. We can't see how much we need Jesus because we are too busy trying to make ourselves look better than the next guy.

Jesus spent a huge amount of time with His Father, and then surrounded Himself with people that couldn't give back. I think one of the reasons the Church is powerless is because we aren't doing exactly that. Why should God fill us up if we won't pour ourselves out.

I want to cry as I write this because I see my own stingy heart. I don't want to fill my own child's sippee cup a third time. How can I pour myself out? I have nothing to give.

What if we all could realize that?

Jesus, the Law Breaker

One of the best and one of the worst things ever given to me was being born into a Christian family. I was taught from very young about pleasing God and how to go about it. The fear of hell scared me into salvation at the age of six. As I grew up, I learned all about the right things to do and the right things to think. I was trained into pseudo holiness.

Imagine my surprise when, becoming a grownup I asked God to pour Himself out on me. After all, I am a mature Christian. Right?

Nope.

What I wasn't trained to do was hear from God and develop a relationship  with Him. I was just supposed to automatically do it. Godly principles are there to tell you that you are hearing from God...right?

Nope.

If Jesus is perfect theology, let's look at Him. He did everything right. Right?

Nope.

Jesus was born owing money. To the government. That's what taxes are.

Jesus ran away from his parents, initially refused his mother at Cana, and left His father's (Joseph's) business. Dishonor and Disobedience? Oh dear.

After the age of thirty, Jesus didn't have a job. He didn't save money. Hence, fishing for the tax money.

Jesus depended on others for support. Wealthy women and sinners funded his ministry.

Jesus did not obey the Law. He healed on the Sabbath, lost His temper in the Synogogue, and disobeyed and argued with the religious leaders.

So, what did Jesus have? He had relationship with His Father. He spent a huge amount of time with Him. He even said that one could see what the Father was like by looking at himself. Scandalous.

When did the Law come in Biblical history? After being set free from Egypt and after refusing relationship with God in order to have Moses as a go between.

The Law is for slaves. The Law reveals sin and emphasizes the chasm between us and God. And the Law cannot bring us to God because not one of us has the capability of performing ourselves into God's grace. That's what Jesus did. Jesus, the Law Breaker.

Ok, so that can of worms is open now. I'm a baby, and obeying rules won't make me anything other than a baby. Or a slave.

First step to freedom is seeing. I guess I need help. ;)

Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body

I've been having a really hard time lately. It doesn't make sense because I know I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Yet, ouch.

I've never had so much quiet time with Jesus. Some days are sweet, some days it takes a machete and a machine gun to get to the sweetness. And the more time I spend with Him, the weaker I become.

I have, that is, had...a fantastic will. I could make myself do anything. Discipline was my middle name. And yet, throughout the years each little bit has been chipped away. Lately it has given way entirely.

I can't make myself be good. I am not good. I can't make myself holy. I am not holy.

The more time I spend with the One that is truly good, truly holy...I realize that the Jess I thought I knew, was just a poser.

So now I am dying a slow, agonizing, horrible, exhilarating death. And it is the best and the worst experience of my life. I am beginning to get a glimpse of that Lion that Mr. Beaver spoke of; "He's not tame, but He's good."

Love God, Love Yourself, Love Others Pt 2

Why do you do the things you do? Why did you get up this morning? Did you get dressed? Go to work? Make breakfast and do the dishes? Talk to your kids?

Why did you do all those things? Because you should? If you didn't work there wouldn't be any money? Any other reasons?

Bob Hamp describes sin as the absence of God in the human heart. I find this very convicting. Sin is not behavior; it's the fruit of the heart. Every area that I haven't submitted to God is an area for self and the enemy to operate.

As believers, we should operate out of abiding in Jesus. Our behavior should flow out of relationship with Him. How we think and feel and act toward ourselves should flow out of relationship with Him. How we think and feel and act towards others should flow out of relationship with Him.

A few years ago I realized I cleaned my house because I thought I should. It is accepted behavior in our society for a wife and mother to keep a clean house. I didn't want anyone to think ill of me, or my husband to criticize me. When I realized why I was doing it, my willpower to do it vanished. I still find it hard, even convicting to clean my house because I should. I only find energy or heart to do it because I find joy in a peaceful and clean environment. That was a work only Jesus could do in me.

Start asking yourself why you do things. If you dare. ;) I hope they entirely dismantle you like they did to me.

Life on this earth is more about Being than Doing. Abiding in Jesus comes first.

May your day be blessedly wrecked. :)

Love,

Jess

Know God, Know Thyself, Know Others

I am growing more and more convinced that relationship is the single most important thing in life. Everything else is designed to be used as tools to facilitate relationship.

My family culture put a high value on education. My mom stayed home to homeschool all seven of us. You'd think that relationship would have been easy in a big family, but it was a big unhealthy family. Relationship was only based on being together and intellectual discourse. No one shared their heart because it was unsafe. No one really knew anyone because it takes safety and trust to get close and we had none.

I want to use the term know as it was used in Genesis. The Hebrew term is yada, as in, Adam knew Eve. No, it does not mean sex. It means to know soul and spirit intimately. Because Adam and Eve were husband and wife, it also included body. Sex is merely a fruit of intimacy, but it is not the only fruit.

If I could paraphrase the two greatest Commandments as Jesus referred to them, it would be as follows: God says, Know me, Know yourself, Know others. Everything else does matter, but it should matter out of the abundance of these three.

Better Than Truth

Ever wonder why Jesus didn't respond to Pilate at his query, "What is truth?" I have. The best I can come up with is that Jesus is truth. But even that conclusion is shabby. Truth simply means what is true, that is, what is most accurate. As believers we tend to think of the things of God as truth, but actually God and His ways are higher than 'most accurate'. 'Most accurate' infers that we have made a judgement according to the set of facts before us. When we believe what the Bible says about God, hopefully there is more behind our belief than just the assumption that the set of facts before us is the most accurate. If we only base our faith on our understanding, then we will lose our faith as soon as we hear a better set of facts or a better argument.

Bill Johnson once said that knowledge of God must lead to an encounter with Jesus, or it just becomes religion. Religion is a lifeless set of rules.

I think the reason that Jesus didn't answer Pilate is that He was the answer. Not in the sense that He is truth, but that relationship with Him is to be preferred over truth. Jesus must come first.

We were created for relationship, not for knowledge. Knowledge without relationship will bring death. Because in that sense, knowledge is not true. Knowledge without encounter and relationship is just the best our minds can come up with. We can look at an apple and attempt to understand and describe it, but we are limited by our set of facts about the apple.

Jesus' gift to us was restoration of relationship, not Rules 2.0. Behavior and knowledge should be a fruit of spending time with Him.

The best picture of 'true' I can come up with for myself is a compass. When you point the compass to the north, the needle aligns with the big N at the top. Any deviation from true north makes the needle bounce. I could study about the north and map out a way to get there, but without a compass I would make lots of unnecessary deviations and would probably get lost. When I focus on my relationship with Jesus, His heart is my true north, and it's like my husband's and my eyes meeting across a crowded room. In that moment is eternity, and it's better than truth.

No Worries

I was explaining to my husband last week that although I didn't think I was stressed, my body kept saying I was. My stomach had been upset for three days straight. Adam said, "Jess, you ARE stressed. You have a lot to be stressed about." Then he listed everything. Yeah, that wasn't helpful. 

I thought that since I wasn't mentally fretting about what is going on with my life currently, I must be at peace. Evidently not. My heart and my body were my filthy, evil betrayers. :)

I think God wants me to pray more. Last week the Holy Spirit seemed to illuminate Philippians 4:6-7 and then broke it down into four parts. I needed baby steps. ;)

 ⁶Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all ^[a]comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Step 1. Don't be anxious. Do not worry. AT ALL.

Step 2. Pray. Supplicate. Supplication just means to bring it before Jesus and entreat Him to act on your behalf. 

Step 3. With Thanksgiving. You don't have to be thankful for everything, but in everything. Maintain an attitude of thankfulness. Look for the little things. 

Step 4. Rest in the promise of peace. He promises that peace beyond our ability to perceive or understand would be given to us. To guard our heart and our mind.
(Don't argue yourself out of it. If you get a feeling of peace, just be ok with it. Don't look for more to worry about.)

Sooo...that's what I've been working on. Obviously I'm not terrific at it yet, because my tummy is upset again today. I'm going to post this and work on a little supplication. A bath and this verse might be helpful too. ;)

1 Timothy 5:23 No longer drink water exclusively, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments. 

More for me, More for you

I think it is a poverty mentality that tells me that the pie is a limited one. If you take a slice, there is less for me. Or if you have a whole pie, that means I don't get one at all.

Perhaps wanting the best for others comes naturally for some, and I thought I did it naturally too. Till recently when I saw that I was just thinking the right thoughts but my heart wasn't in it. That's how I could say the right things, but the same yucky feelings would pop up and I'd squash them. Feelings are sometimes like termites; the correct structure can be in place but the beams are hollow.

Wanting the best for others, their dreams to come true, their children to be brilliant, for multi generational wealth doesn't seem like it should cost me anything. But it does. It feels like dying.

I thought...God wants the best for all of us, but it doesn't cost Him anything. Oh. Wait. It did.

I can't want the best for others without it costing me something, because my pie is limited. I have to die, give Him my pie, and He gives me His. Unlimited pie. Delicious pie. Pie A La Mode. :)

It still feels like I'm dying, but that's ok. I heard a wise guy say that jealousy just means that we don't trust God to love on us and bless us. While I'm hoping and praying for abundance for others, I'm going to press in to His heart and learn to trust. My trusting is a bit spotty, so learning should be fun. Kind of like breathing water. :)

Silence and the Voice

I would say I've never been able to hear God's voice very well. At one time, not at all. That is, I hear more now than ever...and while the amount is still unsatisfactory, it is sooo good compared to the old days.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was six, and since I was from a 'Christian' home, fell into 'Christian' behavior very easily. 'Conviction' (condemnation) was a constant friend. I looonged for Jesus to talk to me audibly, and I'd squinch my eyes shut and focus for the still small voice. But I never heard it.

By the time I was a teen, my desire for His presence and His voice was a constant burn. But I still couldn't hear Him. I had a habit of filling my head with fantasies from the thirty some odd books I read weekly in order to quiet my soul, and at some point around the age of seventeen, I chose to stop.

The silence in my head was palpable and intense. Except for the jibbering voice of me. The feelings of exposure and fear and vulnerability were overwhelming.

Every morning I'd walk down the trail to our goat barn to milk six goats. Spring was the best time for that; I loved birth and I loved babies. I loved watching the maternal instinct in action. As I'd swing me leg over our electric fence, I'd pray. God, talk to me. God, what do you want to say? Please God, it's me, Jessica.

This is what I'd hear; "Jessica, you're beautiful. Jessica, I love you so much. Jessica, you're gorgeous and brilliant."

This is what I'd say back; "Jessica, shut up. Jessica, shut up...you aren't God."

I knew I needed to hear those things. I wanted it soooo bad. I believed I was filling that quiet space with what I wanted God to say, and I didn't believe it because it was so good. Too good.

And I shut that Voice down. The only voice I'd allow to speak would be the corrective ones.

But I missed it. I missed looking at the part of my soul that quivered when I allowed that voice to speak. Like a child rolling her eyes when her Daddy calls her pretty, I avoided it. My fear of allowing pride to grow, just encouraged pride and fear to grow.

What happens when you don't believe what God says about you? You have to find another label. Where are you getting it? I got mine from others. Whatever other people said, be it good or evil, I took it. But it wasn't Truth.

The Truth was what I refused to hear, and it left me empty, nameless and hungry. I think that's enough of that, so I'm listening now.

Tornado in a Trailer Park

Often life is messy. My house is often messy. My heart is sometimes a bit messy too. Especially when I'm right in the middle of the process. The sort of process that the Holy Spirit occasionally springs on us. He is like a tornado in a trailer park, or an unsupervised toddler. ;)

I have a friend who used to pop over. You know, a real friend? ;) Somehow she'd pop over on the worst day and see my house and I at our worst. She didn't care. She loved me and saw me through the mess. It wasn't until years later that I found out she felt that way. I was too busy feeling insecure to see it.

We all have bad days and messy houses at times. What do you do when you're in the thick of it? I usually just want to find a nice hole and bury myself, but lately I haven't had the luxury. What normally happens in the hole isn't nice; the crying is the snotty sort and there is anger and pity parties. Since I haven't had the luxury of hiding, my grumps have been nastier and it's all there, all full of boogers and green stuff. Yuck. :)

But I've found out I'm still loved in spite of the yuck and the 'Dammits!'. Jesus has been messing me up and it is sooo good and sooo ugly. I really am glad that the Holy Spirit is like a tornado in a trailer park. The Father wants me to live in a better place than a trailer park anyway. :D

Not in Control, Pt 2

I'm going to try to flesh out the concepts of sovereignty and control, even though I haven't fully grasped it yet. Appropriate I guess. :) But first, a few quotes:

“Men will allow God to be everywhere but on his throne. They will allow him to be in his workshop to fashion worlds and make stars. They will allow Him to be in His almonry to dispense His alms and bestow his bounties. they will allow Him to sustain the earth and bear up the pillars thereof, or light the lamps of heaven, or rule the waves of the ever-moving ocean; but when God ascends Hes throne, His creatures then gnash their teeth. And we proclaim an enthroned God, and His right to do as He wills with His own, to dispose of His creatures as He thinks well, without consulting them in the matter; then it is that we are hissed and execrated, and then it is that men turn a deaf ear to us, for God on His throne is not the God they love. But it is God upon the throne that we love to preach. It is God upon His throne whom we trust.” -Spurgeon

“Man approaches God most nearly when he is in one sense least like God. For what can be more unlike than fullness and need, sovereignty and humility, righteousness and penitence, limitless power and a cry for help?”  CSLewis

“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, "Mine!” -Kuyper

If there is any element of the universe that is outside of his authority, then he no longer is God over all. In other words, sovereignty belongs to deity. Sovereignty is a natural attribute of the Creator. God owns what he makes, and he rules what he owns. -Sproul

Sovereign simply means ruler. Someone who has authority. When we say God is sovereign, we are saying that we and all of Creation exist in Him and by Him. There was no god before Him. Everything begins and ends with Him. 

Acts 17:24-28"The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands ; 25 nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things ; 26 and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, 27 that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; 28 for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His children.'  

His authority and power is absolute. If He wishes, He can snuff out the universe with a word. He could rescue us from our pain. He could squash Satan like a bug. So, either God is having fun at our expense, or there is a reason why He holds back.

Holds back. That's the key. While He is sovereign, Ruler over all things, He reserves His sovereignty...that is, the immediate carrying out of His will. We already know His will; He created us for relationship, He desires that no one live through eternity in agony, He desires that no one has sickness or pain or loss. So why doesn't He just force His desires on us?

This is where we have a hard time understanding a good God. We cannot comprehend life without force. If I break the law, government men with guns force me where I do not wish to go. We are forced to pay our taxes. As children, we have been forced to obey our parents. Every day, every hour, even if you are not aware of it, someone's will is imposed over yours. This is why we cannot understand how a good God can sit idly by while His children suffer. Because good parents cannot bear that their children suffer.

  

Here is the place that sovereignty and control diverge. While God's sovereignty is absolute, He will not force His will on you. With one exception, control is force. Human control is force. Demonic control is force. The only control that is good, is the control brought by the Holy Spirit. And even that control we have the liberty to refuse. 

The Garden is a perfect example of God's sovereignty in action. He created a Garden and put two trees in it. He then gave Adam and Eve complete freedom in the Garden, with one caveat; do not eat of those two trees. 

Do you think God was absent when Adam and Eve chose? Nope. God is not like a parent that goes out of the room. He was fully aware; His asking Adam where He was was for Adam's benefit and not God's. Once the choice was made, He sent them out of the Garden so they would not live forever in their separation from Him. Because God reserved His sovereignty, the entirety of Creation fell subject to another ruler. Adam and Eve didn't just disobey, they switched Masters. Now the earth came under Satan's rule. 

And God, in His sovereignty, sacrificed Himself for the most precious thing; relationship. Relationship had been lost, and because of Jesus it was restored. Now THAT is Holy Spirit self control. 

So here we are, two thousand plus years after the stone table cracked, asking the same question; "Where is God?" For that, we have Redemption, Part 2; The Church. 

There are so many pictures of Christ in the Old Testament. Did you know that Adam and Eve are a picture of Christ and the Church? "It is not good for man to be alone." And God took Eve out of Adam. The Church is in Jesus, and in Him we are to bring Heaven to Earth.

The legal documents have already been drawn up and Satan has been given a subpoena. What Jesus did broke the power of hell and the grave and we have full access to the Father. All that is left is for the Church to realize Who and Whom she is. 

God, in His sovereignty, suffered and died for the sins of mankind. God, in His sovereignty, has designed a Bride for His Son. He desires that her body be in direct proportion to her Head. The ruler of this world has an expiration date, and it is our job to occupy and be exactly like Jesus. He was fully God and fully human, and through His righteousness we are New Creations; fully human and filled with the fullness of Jesus. Heaven meeting Earth like a sloppy wet kiss. :D

 

Not in Control Pt 1

There are certain thoughts that are crafted. Designed for a purpose. These crafted thoughts enter a culture and set up house. Fortresses. They are not created for our good, but for our demise. The most well configured look the best; their entire architecture is intended to deflect from their real intention.

I'm starting to realize that one of these structures is the sentiment of 'God is in Control'. Excuse me, but no, He is not. God is Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Omniscient. God chose the lack of control when He created man. He did not prevent Satan from deceiving Eve.  He did not bypass His Word in order to prevent the Fall.

What God does control is Himself. The Father chose to give His son, and Jesus chose to die.

God is Big Picture. He knows the end, and it is good. He is patient and His lovingkindness endures forever. While He did not prevent the Fall, He was willing to be tortured and to die to break the Curse and redeem us. It was and is for our good. When He created us, He created beings made in His likeness. Our intention was to learn to manage ourselves, as He does.

The Law came to show us that Control does not work. There is no way to force ourselves or others' into perfect behavior or absolute submission. We are like God; our wills are too strong. The only way to achieve relationship with the Most High is to die.

When horrid things happen, when our babies die, our daughters raped, children sold for sex...our first thought is, "Don't worry, God is in Control". But that's not true. The sneaky fear that creeps in...that Satan designed...is, "How could a loving God allow such pain?" And that thought plants seeds.

The idea that God is in Control is comforting, but it totally is devoid of knowledge of His Character. He wants the real deal. He wants relationship. He doesn't want puppets, He wants Sons. He wants us to choose.

I heard an amazing message by Bill Johnson last week. He said we have faith, and then we have enduring faith. If there was no need for faith beyond faith, then we would not have enduring faith. After that, there is the promise; "God will work everything together for good..."

There has been a lot of pain in my life, and I'm surrounded by friends going through gut wrenching agony. I will not insult them by saying, "God is in Control". But I will love on them, pray for them, believe for them. I really do know that when we are in submission to His heart, it really does work together for good. There is joy after mourning. Even unto death...there is joy in resurrection.

A little over two thousand years ago, Jesus hung on a cross. Racked with unimaginable pain, He chose to trust. He was in full possession of Himself, and He gave it away.

Positioned for Love

I'm reading a book entitled Jesus on Leadership by C Gene Wilkes. The author focuses on the character of Jesus as the blueprint on being a great leader; humility, servanthood, following and so forth. When he starts confronting desire for position and posits that we learn to follow God and please Him, something occurred to me. Why does anyone desire position?

I'm convinced that the things we desire most in life are simply proxies. Proxy is defined as the agency, function, or office of a deputy who acts as a substitute for another. It is something we authorize to fill a need that originally was meant to be met by something else.

God created us to desire. He created us to need or want based on what we were created for, and we were created to be Sons and to look like God. We were created for relationship.

I think most of us desire position because we believe that position offers identity, affirmation, purpose and power. Position in itself can't give those things, at least not in a healthy way. The fruit of that is only domination and striving. It's a pretty well kept secret that God can offer identity, affirmation, purpose and power without one having position. No, I'm wrong, It's a different position. It's the position of being a Much Loved Child. There's no better place to be.

If we lived life focused entirely on that, on loving and being loved by our Father, the Body would look a bit different. I would look different. It doesn't matter where I stand, just the fact that I am His favorite is enough. Favor is good. Even Jesus grew in favor with God and man. Notice God came first. And that's the position I want to be most.

In The Eye

I woke this morning to hearing my kids downstairs dancing to Delirious. It sounded like a herd of water buffalo. I think they are getting cabin fever; I can't wait to exhaust them at Tarrywile. So now I hide in my room while they dance this afternoon...if my music is loud enough I can't hear them. ;)

I'm really struggling to find real quality time with Jesus. It's not just that I have three inescapable children, it's more that I'm not sure how to anymore. Read some scripture, listen to worship, pray. Those are a given, but they aren't cutting it right now. I want real conversation.

So I'm going to practice stillness. It will be hard. Just being...and learning Him and myself.

Mischief Managed

Ephesians 4:11 And Christ gave gifts to people -- he made some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to go and tell the Good News, and some to have the work of caring for and teaching God's people. 12 Christ gave those gifts to prepare God's holy people for the work of serving, to make the body of Christ stronger. 13 This work must continue until we are all joined together in the same faith and in the same knowledge of the Son of God. We must become like a mature person, growing until we become like Christ and have his perfection.

Jesus, the Chief Shepherd, is the perfect picture of Church leadership. I always thought that the  shepherd described the pastor, but after thinking about it today I realized I was wrong. That's just the normal assumption. 

A shepherd fulfills many roles. He protects. He guides. He confronts and disciplines. He oversees the flock. He plans for its' growth. He looks at the individual and also at the whole. He plans new paths for foraging and fresh water. He watches for attackers and fights when they attack. 

When I look at the passage in Ephesians 4, Paul is saying that Christ gives gifts to His Church. It's not the same as the gifts given by the Holy Spirit. What Jesus is giving is offices. He is creating Church governance, with the intention of developing the Body into a powerful and mature Bride. 

Throughout the couple thousand years of church history, most denominations have come away with only three offices; pastors and teachers and evangelists. Most church bodies will only accept direction when it comes with a pastoral or teaching flavor. Many denominations reject the prophetic or apostolic because they surmise that the gifts have passed away. For some reason they don't reject pastoring or teaching...maybe those two are the ones that are the least 'spooky'? And evangelists are usually only tolerated, because who can argue that we need more conversions? :D

I see all five gifts in Jesus, the Chief Shepherd. If we aren't using every gift that He's given us, no wonder the Bride still isn't ready. As a result of missing out on all He's given us, the Body is being managed instead of grown. 

So what does a healthy, Spirit filled Church look like? We look like Jesus. He was kind and compassionate, insightful and graced with wisdom, forceful and raging, strong and peaceful. I can't wait to see all He has for us, and I pray that we can look exactly like Him to the world. "Until We become like Christ and have His perfection". 

Perfect Theology

I took Systematic Theology from Regent University a few years ago. I was excited to write my paper for it; I always got great grades for writing and I was looking forward to impressing this particular professor. I can't for the life of me remember what I wrote about, but I remember my grade and his remarks on the paper.

'Too devotional in nature.'

Granted, I was marked down half a letter grade because I forgot to use the required NAS translation; I used my own NKJ study Bible instead for references. I remember feeling particularly horrified at my bad grade (C) because I still remember the intent of my paper, if not the subject.

Normally I make an argument, opposing argument and then my conclusion. I've even argued against my own opinion because I had the most source material for that side. I always got great grades on those, so I assumed that I was just a great writer and could get away with anything, especially if my intent was spiritual. This time I chose to offer different perspectives and then pull it all around to examine the heart. Bring it back to Jesus. Basically throw out the academics and bring it face to face with the spirit. That was my goal,  but perhaps I really didn't write it well, because my professor was not impressed. At all.

Webster defines theology as: the study of religious faith, practice, and experience; especially : the study of God and of God's relation to the world. Break it down into Latin; God, study of. Pretty simple. The study of Who God is and His relationship to us. In my naivete I always felt that while theology could be coalesced into precise philosophies, it was not possible to escape God while studying Him. After all, that's how C.S.Lewis met God; He studied about God in order to disprove Him and ended up meeting Him.

I did know that you could separate them, but why would anyone want to? To my disappointment I found out that it is really hard to take everything you learn in seminary and apply it to my growth in relationship with Jesus. A lot of it is just a bunch of academia. Nothing wrong with that. I was just hoping for more. I was hoping to encounter the One I studied.

I know most people understand theology as a subject, like physics. But I propose that the only way you can really study theology is to meet the One Who is perfect theology. Jesus said if you look at Him, you see the Father. We are always looking for practical application. For this we have Jesus. We want to know what He looks like. For this we have Jesus. And scripture tells us the only way we can really SEE Him is by the Holy Spirit. The only way to study is to encounter. Revelation simply means to reveal. The Holy Spirit reveals Jesus, and Jesus reveals the Father. He reveals perfect theology.

Double Dip of Grace

I have always had a foot shaped mouth. While I have a really hard time talking about how I feel, it's easy for me to talk about what I'm thinking. If you've ever asked me a question and I have an easy answer, it's because I've spent hours and hours thinking about it already. I really do have a library and a laboratory in my head.

I also don't always pick up on others' cues. If I've thought about it a great deal, I'm ready to jump in and discuss. Truth and understanding are so important to me that I walk around my own discomfort and insecurity just to get to a better grasp of it. So yeah...others' cues. I've managed to step on many toes.

Since I'm not great at understanding my feelings, I choose doormat status often. Ever the pragmatist, the truth is more important than my soft squishy center. Here's the thing...I really abhor offense. I tell myself often...slow to offense. Slow.

I don't get offended often. But I offend accidentally with high regularity. I'm always apologizing for overstepping. But here's the thing. I'm pissed.

I'm mad that others' didn't give me the grace I give them constantly. I'm angry that they didn't think more highly of me. I'm upset that they assumed the worst and devalued my character. I'm even more incensed that they didn't use the opportunity to pursue relationship. I'm offended that they are offended.

For years I called it hurt. It didn't feel like anger. It felt like pain. However, hurt and offense can be two sides of the same coin. They walk hand in hand with pride and insecurity. Once again, like Aslan tells Lucy, it is about my story.

Can I love without reservation. Can I forgive without resentment. Can I apologize without feeling violated?
As Danny Silk says, it's about getting my love on. And goodness, am I not even there yet.

Awaken Love

Song of Solomon 2:7 Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready.

I've heard my good evangelical friends use this verse and others to support a chaste life before marriage. It's a really sweet translation, but the Song of Solomon is anything but chaste. Maybe one could make a good argument for the Shulamite's chastity, but what about Solomon? That dude was anything but. This book is a reference for the passion and love that God intended between a man and a woman, but as with most things in the Bible, is also intended as a picture of something else. If you can't read it and be able to look through sex and passion in order to see the bigger picture, maybe you need to reevaluate the gift of sex. Sex is absolutely pure in God's design, and shouldn't be a hindrance to hearing what the Spirit is saying to the Church.

I didn't want to talk about sex. I want to talk about awakening. I do want to protect my daughters until they are of age from giving their heart or their body away. Waiting until they are fully ready is absolutely important. When it comes to the Church, no time is too early. 

It's time to wake up. Time to rouse ourselves. Stop sleeping. Wake up, wake up, wake up!!! Awaken love! Awaken your passion for Jesus! Do whatever it takes!! Spend two minutes at His feet and the time will grow. Looking and behaving like a good little Christian is absolutely useless to yourself, others and Jesus. Everything should hinge on love for Him. Stop trying to be obedient to the rules. Be obedient to pursuit. 

The time is ripe. We are ready.

Lasso the Wind

'Time is tickin' away'. A phrase out of the song "Time Is" by DCTalk, straight out of my teen years. My youth group even created a skit around it. I just listened to it again after seventeen years...I don't remember it sounding so much like Fresh Prince back then. Ha.

Our culture is obsessed with time and schedule. Most success is absolutely dependent on strict adherence to doing things in a timely manner, having a plan, not procrastinating. Each thing in our lives have time limits, from eating to sleeping to going to the bathroom. Limits surround us. Even Believers try to fit time with Jesus into a preordained 'time'.

Because time is precious. It is present every second, minute and hour. Day by day, time ticks on and reminds us that our choices have consequences. I see the consequence of not finishing the laundry the next morning. Or of not doing a final pickup before bedtime. We know that with every click of the second hand, something might be lost to us.

Busyness is really the poverty of first world countries. Our lives are so filled, we either have to fight for what is important or we drown entirely. Most of us can't even see what is important, seeing the forest for the trees isn't a concept that breaks through our miasma of the moment by moment speedway.

After attending a worship event at my church, the last of seven events designed to bring the Church together in Connecticut, I feel the push of two hundred years worth of prayer at my back. The prayer/worship service was especially powerful, and a blessing after six weeks of grieving Sandy Hook.

I feel that time is of unusual importance right now. It feels like the Church in Connecticut is gearing up for God to move...like a soldier shrugging his pack on his back and zeroing in on the mission. I wonder if we are ready. Are we ready to stop. Are we ready to cancel plans. Are we ready to adopt an entirely different way of behaving?

A wonderful friend of mine asked me offhand after the worship service, when we are going to stop worrying about the fact that people have stuff to do the next day. I wonder too. If Jesus walked (in the flesh, since His presence is all around us) into the room, would we stop? Would we stay late at a worship service because the Spirit still has stuff He wants to do? Would we get to work late because God told us to pray for someone?

Would we put our 'life' on hold? Maybe this is just the way I think, and I know it's not normal, but I really feel that what He and I have together is the best 'life' there is. It is worth being number one. It is worth putting the laundry on the couch and just talking to Him. It is worth redesigning our goals as a family, a church, a community, a city, a state, a nation...a world. Because when Jesus looked at Martha and said that Mary had chosen the better thing, He really really meant it.

Roses and Chives

I'm looking forward to spring already. Late to prepare my beds for winter, I got an early itch to sink my hands into the soil. I pulled out leaves, weeds and lots of self propagating chives. Determined little buggers...I  don't want chives amongst my roses. :P

A few years ago I planted some ground cover underneath my roses and it is finally started to work. Gradually creeping into all the available spacing and robbing it from the chives.

I need to learn how to use that tactic when it comes to my own character. It's so easy to get locked into a weed killer mindset, chasing down the flesh and killing each little bit. Like my chives however, its death is short lived. As long as something is fed, it will continue to live.

One of my favorite Graham Cooke quotes hints at an interesting solution;  "What if all that is dark in the world is because of an absence of Goodness?" You can't chase the dark out. The dark flees when light is introduced.

My periwinkle ground cover works a lot like the Holy Spirit. If I give Him space, He moves in. Softly. I don't even notice things are changing until the ache from growth begins. My roots are have been liberated and strengthened, and below ground growth necessitates above ground growth.

I don't have to run around wildly, extinguishing all that is flawed about myself. I just give Him permission. Living and breathing and having His being.

Dancing Horses

Last night I dreamed about Lipizzaner horses. Yes, weird. I know a lot about horses...they were my favorite thing when I was a kid. So even though I knew all about Lipizzaners, I looked them up anyway. And watched a youtube video. History says that the high dressage techniques called Airs above the Ground were designed for war...in order to scare the enemy. A more practical account suggest that the moves were designed to be special training for both mount and rider in preparation for war. Either way, watching these incredible horses dance and leap in exceptional trained maneuvers made me realize that even though a horses' natural self is made for eating grass, lying about and running intermittently, somehow mankind succeeded in pulling out improbable and unbelievable talents.


Know thyself. One of the most difficult, trying, joyous, confusing dictates on the earth. It's even harder when you grow up thinking of yourself as one thing and finding out thirty years later that you're something entirely different, and that all the struggle was due to putting a square peg in a round hole. Darnation!!

My biggest struggle in the past few years is learning how to manage my home, my time, my family, my energy and my heart. I am in a constant state of failure; always running from the avalanche. Having been told growing up that I was driven, I couldn't understand my lack of drive or motivation. A very dear friend told me that her tool was discovering ferocity. I thought, that's it! I need to be fierce! I WILL have victory! But that wasn't it. At least, not my 'it'.

So I discovered yesterday that I'm not driven. Adam had been hinting at it for a while. I thought he couldn't be right; when I was single I was very driven...I worked hard hours while going to school. But I forgot that I totally broke myself physically.

This morning I woke up quoting, "You have searched me, and you know me." He knows my personality because He made it. I am a relational thinker. Doing is not me. Doing is exhausting. "So how in the world am I supposed to do this?" I silently scream at Him. "I have big dreams! I still need to learn how to manage my home, my time, my skills!"

My sister told me that my ferocity should be focused on my relationship with Jesus. He knows my desires, and He can help me train myself and my family all while feeding and sustaining me. Flylady talks about cleaning house for 45 minutes and then resting 15. I think I need more than one quiet time with the Spirit per day. Maybe 15 minute fill up sessions per hour will do it. ;)

It is a relief to know that I don't have the natural ability to do. That means I'm starting from scratch, and there are no expectations; just learning what He thinks of me. It's a lot like teaching a horse to dance. ;)