Brain on Pause

I took the Strengthfinders 2.0 test last year. My results were Strategic, Intellection, Input, Ideation and Restorative. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, just to say I'm a thinker is an understatement. My sister commented yesterday when I told her my results; "Wow, could you be more in your head?" Don't think so. :P

We had been talking about how to go to the next level in my quiet time. I'm very frustrated in mine. I'm going through Graham Cooke's interactive, 'The Way of the Warrior' set, which is amazing. It is intercessory and strategic, and it asks great questions. It pushes me intellectually which is great...but I still find that frustrating. Since I'm just rigged to be a thinker, understanding God on an intellectual level has always been a natural and easy thing to do. But if I'm only going to understand God intellectually, how does that make my faith any different from Buddhism? Hinduism? Atheism? After all, faith is just setting your mind on a belief system. What makes it true is not my ability to believe it, or argue it. Since anyone who passionately follows their faith can do that.

If God is real, and good, and all around me...if His Son really came and died for me and brought me the opportunity to have relationship with Him, then I am not satisfied to just know Him like I know that 2+2=4. In fact, if I wanted to, I could argue that math has no basis in reality and that it is only how we are choosing to measure an idea. Math does not exist. Do you see my problem? My experience with God needs to be more than reality.

The only way I am able to sidestep my brain and pursue Him on a relational and spirit centered way is through worship. I find certain songs that I can play and immerse myself in that hops right over my brain and puts me in His lap. It's like I walk through a forest of architectural symmetry and step into a world of colorful jello. It can't be compared to each other. This is what I'm going for in my quiet time. I'm not turning my brain off; I'm pursuing what He wants to do in my emotions and in my spirit. I'm not very good at it, because I keep trying to figure it out when it needs to be less like Tinkertoys and Legos and more like finger painting and jumping into ball pits or bowls of icecream.

This is just my journey; I don't know what yours is. There are moments that I've had with Him that transcend my little formulaic, reality grounded brain. I hold on to these like a baby holding his lovey. Not ever satisfied, not ever ever. I want to go where no one has gone before, do what no one has done before. A laid-down lover.

Colored

Racism seems to be a constant topic in our media today. I find this kind of annoying, because I love that America is a melting pot of nationalities and I just want everyone to love each other.

Racism, down to the knitty gritty root of it, is a belief that worth is based on race. I have a hard time believing when people say they have never had a racist thought, because even Jesus was tempted in everything.

Between the ages of six and eleven, I lived in a southern Texas town of about 36k. I didn't know that about sixty years prior a black man had been lynched in our courthouse and then set afire. My two best friends were black. To me, there was no difference between us...except that they had cooler hair.

Fast forward ten plus years and I was living in south Dallas, going to bible school and working at a cajun seafood joint. For the first time, I was exposed to the term 'ghetto'. This described a location and a category of people. For the first time I was looked at with hate because of my skin color, and also because I couldn't understand ebonics. This really hurt my feelings, because I wanted to be judged on an individual basis and not on their experience. Funny how that sentiment has probably been felt by many peoples.

I had to struggle with feelings of antipathy towards them too. Waiting tables is a very interesting job, if just for what it teaches you about people and their money habits. It was so easy to stereotype, mostly because each people group tipped a certain way. Only a small percentage broke the mold. Every day I worked I listened to the waitstaff dog people groups. And women.

Fortunately I woke up every morning and went to chapel, had an hour for worship and then went to class. This really helped to align my thoughts. Every day I went to work intending to love the people I waited on. But it was hard, because whatever category the person fit in to, affected my livelihood.

I'm tired of the Church thinking that racism isn't an issue, or that because a person doesn't act racist that he or she has never had an ugly thought. Perhaps when we start really believing that each one of us is made into the image of God, then our thoughts will be beautiful and our culture will change. The issue is not the hatred, it's not knowing who we are. When we don't know who we are, we denigrate others to elevate ourselves. God created each race of people with gifts and abilities unique to them. Each has a way of viewing the world, and a perspective of the Creator that is invaluable.

I went to a prayer walk last week with people that were Portuguese, Black, White, Indian, and Brazilian. The prayers and song that came out of our group was so beautiful. I love my own skin color...my ethnicity is English, Irish, Scotch, Dutch, French and Cherokee, so it's hard to think of myself as white. But that is what I appear. I love who God made me, because I see the brilliance of all those cultures coming together in me, an American. So I can't imagine a Bride that is just white. Or black. Or brown. Taking color out of the Bride would be criminal, because it denies the creativity of the Creator. It denies that He looks like what He creates.

So...seeing the problem is very Old Testament. Prophet comes in, says repent because you're bad and either God is happy or hellfire and brimstone. This is not the Old Testament; we are on the other side of the Cross. Seeing the problem is not enough, we have to see Heaven and bring it here. Heaven is identity. Heaven is color. I want to pull Heaven down and change my culture, and it starts in my own head.

Pardon this oldie, but this is from my teen years and I loved it then. :)

Hatching thoughts

There are times I feel more like a hen sitting on her eggs; I sit forever on a thought until it finally hatches. Right now I'm trying to come up with my own spiritual/character development curriculum for my kids. I want to root it in knowing God relationally, learning how to hear His voice, and learning what He's like in order to be like Him. I don't think scripture based curriculum cuts it, but I don't want to entirely cut out scripture memory.

One of my favorite studies I grew up learning from was from these enormous Character Sketch books. Each lesson would posit a character quality, like kindness, and then have a bible story and a story from nature to back it up. I want to use these to illustrate God's character.

I also really enjoy allegorical stories. This is a great one. Seeker's Great Adventure is an allegorical story of getting to know Jesus.  http://www.amazon.com/Seekers-Great-Adventure-Adventures-Kingdom/dp/0967740215/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1334349931&sr=8-9

The other thing I don't have fully fleshed out is a continuing talk about intimacy and sex. I've already started a little bit with Providence, but I want it to be an ongoing discussion instead of these huge events. The girls get to see Adam and I loving on each other, so I think that is already going a long way into establishing what intimacy in marriage looks like.

So these are just my thoughts right now...not yet hatched, but cooking. :D

The Gift of Relationship

This was the question in my devotional yesterday:
     Look at the Godhead. What type of relationship exists between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit?

Easy question, right? ;) But it caused me to start thinking about relationships and authority. Every relationship we have is intended to reveal an aspect of what God experiences. Unfortunately, the amount of unhealthy relationships outnumber the healthy. And it's easy to focus on the authority aspect and not the gifts that come with each position.

I'm pretty sure God the Father doesn't keep reminding Jesus that He's in charge. Because really, He isn't. They are one. The Father holds the position of leader, protector, provider...and He experiences the joy of showing off Who His Son is.

Jesus is gifted with many positions. Son, Brother, Bridegroom, friend. He isn't a son in the way we understand it, but He gets to experience the best emotions of Sonship. Being adored, bragged on, pleasing His father.

The Holy Spirit has a unique position. He broods over the Godhead, the Creation and Us. He's not referred to in the feminine, but the Holy Spirit exemplifies traits that we all associate as feminine. Comfort, wisdom, soft guidance, conviction, a word in due season. He travails over us like a woman in labor, working to bring about the dreams that the Father is dreaming over us.

I think most of us associate authority to something negative. I was in the National Guard, so I'm fully aware of position, rank and being subordinate. Authority in God's eyes doesn't really mean these things. It means position yes, but position in that we have been seated in heavenly places with Him. We have been given a new Name, and we are on equal standing with Jesus. Our authority, placed under His authority... is a gift.

I really want to learn all about what God experiences so it's important to me to pursue healthy, deep relationships. The only time authority or even peer relationships intimidate me is when I don't know who I am. Pursuit is one of God's most beautiful traits. He pursues us, despite rejection or misunderstanding or fear. I want to be like that. Pursued and a pursuer. :D

Ass Backwards

Submission and the Fear of God. These concepts have become so ugly and misunderstood in church culture. I just want to bonk people on the head with a 2x4 at their myopia, until I realize their belief system is from lack of revelation in church leadership and in themselves.
As soon as we get saved, the next thing we hear is, "What is God's will for your life?" Ok, maybe it's not the first thing, but it follows soon enough. If you are in God's will, hoorah! And if you aren't, be prepared for lightning and/or misery.

So what is God's will? How do we define that? Is it your calling? Your purpose? God's desires for your life? Ok, let's say it is His desire for your life. So what does He desire?
We all know He desires holiness. Good behavior. Be like Jesus, right? Oh, and there's the Great Commission. Go make disciples of all nations. Find your ministry.

I'm sorry, but this is so ass backwards. I look at Jesus, and I really don't see His ministry as the forefront of his life. It's what is written about most, because the outward is usually the only way we relate and learn from. But how did Jesus spend His time? What was He doing most?

He spent hours with His Dad. They were one. He said He didn't do anything unless His Father told Him to. That you could look at Him and see His Father. Then, He spent the majority of the time left with His disciples. He ate, slept and joked with them. He inspired them. He confronted them. He gave them new names, new purpose.
Ministry took third place. It was out of the first two that Jesus drew from and gave out of. It didn't define him.

Think about all the things Mary (Martha's sister) could have done. She could have done some feet washing. Setting the table. Bringing Jesus a drink. Helping her sister.

I think Jesus' will for both Mary and Martha was just that they spend time with them. Undoubtedly the meal wasn't a big deal to Jesus, but then storms weren't either. He just created wine out of water, an army's worth of food out of a lunchbox, and a still night out of a hurricane. There is one thing He can't do though. Create relationship when He's the only one that shows up.

I got tired of worrying about what God's will for my life was a long time ago. Tired of 'submitting' to whatever 'calling' I was supposed to seek and do. Fatigue and depression will do that really quick; it takes away all the get up and go. It was like Jesus playing Jenga with my head and my heart. I wonder what would happen if we didnt' have things that made us stop. We would do it all. We'd build another tower to the stars.

It's really easy to be in His will. Just stop. Turn your heart towards His voice, and stop doing. Stop performing. Stop 'submitting'. Because wherever you are, He is. The ultimate place of safety is nestled close to His heart, hidden under His wings.

Who's Your Daddy?

Today I warned a friend that the end product of homeschooling his daughter might be to end up like me. A questioner of authority...I put it in a way that was denigrating to myself and a watchword to my friend. I came away from the conversation very unsatisfied and frustrated. What was wrong with me? Why was I painting myself in such a negative light?

Those who homeschool and those who don't do recognize that homeschooled kids run a bit against the pack. They aren't taught with as many restrictions and schedules as kids in public school, and they don't have the peer pressure that shapes other kids. I always thought that my inability to fit in or my weighing of those in roles of leadership was a result of my education, but today I realized it wasn't.

My mom was the most academically focused homeschool mom I knew. All the other moms had more flexible schedules and academia, but not my mom. She was teaching me the Greek alphabet when I was seven. I learned rules and behavior and respect for authority from her. In fact, the only authority I have ever bucked with negative consequences was my mother. ;)

My dad was the questioner. He hated authority, and he distrusted church leadership. He saw the areas of sin, unbelief and immaturity in their lives and then dismissed them as being unable to speak into his own life. With any thought process or argument in logic he was never satisfied with the step by step two plus two equals four scenario; he always had to enter in the back door or through a window. His inability to discourse casually without going on strange rabbit trails irritated everyone. He never fit in anywhere. He wasn't even accepted in my own family. My drill sgt. grandfather mocked and disrespected him, and my mom was so frustrated by his circular reasoning that she eventually lost respect for him and his thought process.

So I'm a bit like my dad. But today I realized how much I wasn't. I love to question, and I love the analytical thought process. However, I choose to honor those in authority. I respect church leadership and I value their input in my life. I respect and honor my husband. And, even though it may be a bit silly, I want to fit in.

I realized the bigger issue today was identity. I inherited some of my questioning nature from my dad, and some is just inherent in my personality. But it wasn't valued in my family, and our culture doesn't value it either. Why think differently? Why question? It's easier to be spoon-fed belief systems and societal norms.

So evidently I need to get my sense of self from my heavenly Father. He created me to question; He's the great Questioner after all. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I dream? These are all great questions that He wants us to ask, and to keep asking. If we just settle for the easiest answer that has been hand selected for us, we might miss the better path. The path that leads us to relationship with Him.

So today I realized I am like my Father. I question, I think, I evaluate. I'm just like Him. Other people love me for it, and some I irritate. Kind of like Jesus. So I think I'm in good company. ;)