Is God Good?

I think this is the scariest question that anyone, believer or non believer can ask. Whether we believe in Him or not, there is a part of us that hopes He is good; bigger, smarter, and more wise than we are. Something groans in our hearts at the devastation in the world. The poverty. The rage. The bereft earth.

Growing up, I couldn't see Him. I was saved at an early age, but it was an intellectual choice spawned from a fear of hell. The culture in my home was rarely one of love, most often one of discipline, punishment, control and violence. I felt like my soul was being slowly robbed of oxygen. God is good? How can God be good when I'm in so much pain?

I'm not going to get into a theological discussion about this. That's for another post.

I also didn't believe that I was good. I yearned to be good, but I felt like goodness wasn't possible for me. Somehow in my infancy I'd signed the contract; relinquishing goodness to those more sweet and malleable than I. No matter how much I tried, it was impossible to please my parents, and infinitely more impossible to please God. I believed every label I was given; rebellious, controlling, moody, unsaved, worthless.

A good friend suggested that I ask God to show me how I was good in my childhood, and to show me His Hand throughout my life.

This took a degree of repentance from my opinion of my past. I had to be open to the possibility that I was wrong. But I was desperate so I asked.

God often speaks to me through childhood books and this was no exception. I heard Him while rereading The Horse And His Boy by CSLewis. The story is about a prince who grew up a slave; in oppression and pain. And his journey to freedom. In this passage Aslan, the Jesus figure, is explaining His part in Shasta's life.

Shasta was a little reassured by the breath: so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman. and then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the Tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert. And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis. And also, how very long it was since had had anything to eat.

“I do not call you unfortunate,” said the Large Voice.

“Don’t you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?” said Shasta.

“There was only one lion,” said the Voice.

“What on earth do you mean? I’ve just told you there were at least two lions the first night, and …”

“There was only one, but he was swift of foot.”

“How do you know?”

“I was the lion.”

And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. “I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you as you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.”

As I read this I was struck by His presence in my present and my past. I had a cat who did very uncatlike things. And other animals who surrounded me with comfort and love when the people in my life were unsafe. God was present. He wastes nothing.

As I begin to see Him, how I see myself has gradually changed. I loved to question and argue, because I wanted to understand. But I obeyed, not because my parents deserved honor, but because I understood authority. I had a very strong will, but as soon as I discovered truth, I'd set my will towards it. I had a hard time trusting, but I wanted to be teachable, so often I trusted the untrustworthy. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I'm seeing myself as a Child of God.

Often I feel His presence in my daily life. I've had to allow Him to train my heart, but the process was worth it. All I can say now is that He is Good. He is so Good.