Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body

I've been having a really hard time lately. It doesn't make sense because I know I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Yet, ouch.

I've never had so much quiet time with Jesus. Some days are sweet, some days it takes a machete and a machine gun to get to the sweetness. And the more time I spend with Him, the weaker I become.

I have, that is, had...a fantastic will. I could make myself do anything. Discipline was my middle name. And yet, throughout the years each little bit has been chipped away. Lately it has given way entirely.

I can't make myself be good. I am not good. I can't make myself holy. I am not holy.

The more time I spend with the One that is truly good, truly holy...I realize that the Jess I thought I knew, was just a poser.

So now I am dying a slow, agonizing, horrible, exhilarating death. And it is the best and the worst experience of my life. I am beginning to get a glimpse of that Lion that Mr. Beaver spoke of; "He's not tame, but He's good."