Sleepless and Worthy

I will not sit down. Yes I am. No I’m not. Yes. No. Yes!! Argh.  A year after my son was born and I’m still having trouble getting through my day. I’ve become so sick of hearing the ‘I’m tired’ mantra in my head, better reasons starting popping up. I have no discipline. I am lazy. Which leads to…I am dirty, worthless, shameful. What’s wrong with me?

A friend mentioned recently that she’d gotten a bad night’s sleep and that she was tired. My immediate thought was, ‘Oh, it’s not normal to be tired all the time? What do non-tired days feel like?’ The concept of sleep deprivation had never occurred to me. That sounded too much like an excuse. But, I realized that my son has been up every hour or two hours a night and after failing at training him to sleep, I had accepted it. Hence, sleep deprivation. That sounded too easy though. A practical reason for being tired? Didn’t there have to be some character flaw I was missing?

I think it’s easier to accept that I’m loved and worthy when everything around me is perfect. How can I sit down and talk to the Lord when there is a mess around me? Doesn’t that infer that I have priorities out of order? I’ve entertained the notion that until I find the key to prompt my son to sleep through the night that I might allow myself some grace and just work on the most important things in my life: my relationships, homeschooling, music and writing. That thought scared me. What about when I did start getting more sleep? What if I still couldn’t manage to keep everything tidy and clean? I really should work on my discipline now.

Some light broke through last week while listening to Graham Cooke in ‘Pastoring People Prophetically’. He makes the point that we are Past/Present while God is Present/Future.  When the Holy Spirit talks to me, He is interested in talking about how He sees me in the future. What is He dreaming for me? What gifts does He want to start developing in me now? How is He going to engage with me now in order to affect how I impact the world in the future?  If all I am concerned about is my dirty dishes, or that I need to sweep, and less about how I engage with my daughter or how I pursue my relationship with Him…how is that worthwhile? Twenty years down the road I don’t want to look back at my life and remember keeping house. I don’t want to deal with teenagers that didn’t have me pour into their lives when they needed it. More importantly, I don’t want to waste time worrying when I can be sitting at His feet.

His words about me are amazing. My thoughts and Satan’s lies just fall away. He says I’m beautiful and worthy. He says that my gifts are wonderful now, but they pale in comparison to what they will become. He’s the authority on the matter since He’s the one that gave them to me. ;) My words have the power to heal and to lay waste. My song has the ability to reveal Him. The notes I play can bring in His presence. He enjoys me. (and I’m funny ;))

Sleep deprivation endures for a moment, but an encounter with Him is forever.