The List

When I was in college just about every girl I knew had the list. You know, THE LIST? Every single list had stipulations for each girl’s dream man. Tall, dark hair, blonde, blue eyes, brown, funny, smart…usually the list didn’t stipulate that the man have money since we were going to a bible college. But each girl was thinking it. The one caveat that was thrown in haphazardly was that he would be passionate about God. We all wanted that, but some knew the importance of it more than others.

I only had one item on my list. I just wanted the man I married to have a great dad. I wanted him to know how to be a father. So I married that guy. He had a great dad, and he is and is becoming an amazing father to our three kids. He’s given me glimpses into what our Father is really like.

Now I’m on the other side of my list; my marriage takes work, we still aren’t great at communication, and I still need to be told I’m pretty. ;) But we have hope; we really love each other. And in spite of how tough it is sometimes, we know that love means intentionality. Covenant.

Lately I feel like I’ve run headlong into a wall of grief. Grieving women. Some of them, like me, started off with the answer to their list. A man that loved God…and as far as they can tell, that love is a phenomenon of the past. For most women that are running hard after God, to be one flesh with someone that does not is heartbreaking. It is crazy easy to honor and respect a man that is seeking intimacy with Jesus…and it is crazy hard to honor and respect a man who isn’t.

This is just a perspective of mine, but I believe that the sin of the man in the Garden was the ‘step up’ sin. Adam failed to step up and lead. He failed to remind Eve of what the Lord had told them about the Tree. Instead, he sat on his ass and let Eve ‘step up’. Instead of taking his family into a place of maturity, he sat back and did nothing because it was easier.

I’m pointing out Adam’s weakness because I want to emphasize his gifted purpose. Yes, the man is the head. But the head of what? Paul says he’s the head of the family like Jesus is the Head of the Church. What does that look like? When Paul say the man is to love his wife like Christ loves the Church, what does that mean? If it means just to die for her, that’s easy. Is there more? I like how Bill Johnson describes the marital unit, “The husband is to set the example for sacrifice, and the wife provides the atmosphere of love and nurturing”. Set the example for sacrifice? That’s a different form of leadership. Actually, I thought that was the female form of leadership.

Women are good at sacrifice. We have this resilient strength that just keeps on giving. But we aren’t the ones that are called to die, just like the Church isn’t asked to die for her Bridegroom. We are called to be loved, and to love in return. To give out of love.

The two things that make walking in our design that much harder is the combination of the Curse and the strategy of the Enemy. Hard work with little return knocks a man’s legs out from under him, while Satan’s strategy is to circumvent God’s design entirely. He learns to believe that sacrifice is ugly, and hard work is fruitless and purposeless. And he believes the lie that if he truly sacrifices himself, he will lose himself. Why lose himself to a woman? Or to God? Vulnerability only earns pain.

So what happens when you’re married to someone who doesn’t want to grow with God, or with you? We women have a decision to make. And the thing that makes it that much harder is tied into our Curse. We can step over the man and lead, or we can sacrifice. Each choice plays directly into the plan of the Enemy.  Both of those roles are for the man; headship and sacrifice. Not that the woman shouldn’t sacrifice, since we are all called to sacrifice in the faith, but that men should go first. Once we step in to the man’s gift, we circumvent our own. We can’t lead or sacrifice and create the culture of love that pushes our family towards Jesus. We really can’t do it all. So what are we supposed to do?

Since I’m still in the process of being a wife, I’m still trying to puzzle this one out. I think it starts with looking at Jesus, since He is the most beautiful picture of sacrifice and passion. When I am struggling along day after day, and yearning for the perfect husband…the one that captures me with a glance, that prioritizes God and then me, that would rather give more of himself than give to himself.  When I’m overwhelmed with feeling like I have to do it all and that my husband doesn’t see, I look at Jesus. He fills me up and I don’t have to lead or sacrifice. I can just love Him and then love my husband. I keep seeing this picture of me reaching up to Jesus, while my husband embraces me around my waist. (Song of Solomon 2:6) With God, all things are possible. I don’t have to do it. He will do it.