Leaning

Around and around and around we go, where we stop, nobody knows. There are times I feel like I will never cease to go around the same mountain. My legs knocked out from under me in the same place. The arrow always hits the same chink in my armor. Ecclesiastes talks about seasons, but Fall and Winter feel interminable. My weaknesses are always the same; insecurity, need for affirmation, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being loved.

Some days are worse than others. I’m trying to teach myself to respond in the moment to each thought and feeling. Take each one to the Holy Spirit, asking for insight. I go to sleep asking for Him to speak into my purpose and identity. Because that’s where the buck stops. Where each question leads. Who am I? What am I? Where am I?

Each weakness is like a hole in my soul made by a melon-baller…or scooped out by the teeth of a piranha. By the way, did you know that vampire bats don’t actually suck blood? They scoop out a shallow well on their prey, often a cow, and lap up the blood. Yumm. Sorry, I chased a rabbit there. Odd thing about the Holy Spirit though. When I go to Him about my hurt, He doesn’t put another bandaid on it. He lifts away the dressings, and wiggles into each little hole, and then starts speaking to me about Himself. And about me. Who is Jesus going to become for me here, that He could not be in any other capacity? What am I going to discover about His character in this place of weakness?

My favorite verse in Song of Solomon is 8:5. ‘Who is this coming out of the wilderness, leaning on her Beloved?’ The Spirit is the One that leads us into the wilderness, not the Enemy. He’s not there to embarrass us; He’s there to reveal our need for Him. The only reason the Enemy offered food to Jesus was because Jesus was hungry. He was weak. He had to lean on the Spirit. There is something very precious in pursuing Him into the weakness. The Lord gave Jacob a new name to go along with his new limp. I don’t think we are supposed to pursue Him to find a fix. I think we are to pursue Him to get a new name.

A name is a world. A name holds promise. A name prophesies over our future;

Rev elation 2:17 'He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, to him I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it.'

What is He saying to you in your weakness? Who does He want to be in this place that He could not be in any other place? I’m ready to be lead into the wilderness. I’m ready to hear that name.