Awaken Love

Song of Solomon 2:7 Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready.

I've heard my good evangelical friends use this verse and others to support a chaste life before marriage. It's a really sweet translation, but the Song of Solomon is anything but chaste. Maybe one could make a good argument for the Shulamite's chastity, but what about Solomon? That dude was anything but. This book is a reference for the passion and love that God intended between a man and a woman, but as with most things in the Bible, is also intended as a picture of something else. If you can't read it and be able to look through sex and passion in order to see the bigger picture, maybe you need to reevaluate the gift of sex. Sex is absolutely pure in God's design, and shouldn't be a hindrance to hearing what the Spirit is saying to the Church.

I didn't want to talk about sex. I want to talk about awakening. I do want to protect my daughters until they are of age from giving their heart or their body away. Waiting until they are fully ready is absolutely important. When it comes to the Church, no time is too early. 

It's time to wake up. Time to rouse ourselves. Stop sleeping. Wake up, wake up, wake up!!! Awaken love! Awaken your passion for Jesus! Do whatever it takes!! Spend two minutes at His feet and the time will grow. Looking and behaving like a good little Christian is absolutely useless to yourself, others and Jesus. Everything should hinge on love for Him. Stop trying to be obedient to the rules. Be obedient to pursuit. 

The time is ripe. We are ready.

Lasso the Wind

'Time is tickin' away'. A phrase out of the song "Time Is" by DCTalk, straight out of my teen years. My youth group even created a skit around it. I just listened to it again after seventeen years...I don't remember it sounding so much like Fresh Prince back then. Ha.

Our culture is obsessed with time and schedule. Most success is absolutely dependent on strict adherence to doing things in a timely manner, having a plan, not procrastinating. Each thing in our lives have time limits, from eating to sleeping to going to the bathroom. Limits surround us. Even Believers try to fit time with Jesus into a preordained 'time'.

Because time is precious. It is present every second, minute and hour. Day by day, time ticks on and reminds us that our choices have consequences. I see the consequence of not finishing the laundry the next morning. Or of not doing a final pickup before bedtime. We know that with every click of the second hand, something might be lost to us.

Busyness is really the poverty of first world countries. Our lives are so filled, we either have to fight for what is important or we drown entirely. Most of us can't even see what is important, seeing the forest for the trees isn't a concept that breaks through our miasma of the moment by moment speedway.

After attending a worship event at my church, the last of seven events designed to bring the Church together in Connecticut, I feel the push of two hundred years worth of prayer at my back. The prayer/worship service was especially powerful, and a blessing after six weeks of grieving Sandy Hook.

I feel that time is of unusual importance right now. It feels like the Church in Connecticut is gearing up for God to move...like a soldier shrugging his pack on his back and zeroing in on the mission. I wonder if we are ready. Are we ready to stop. Are we ready to cancel plans. Are we ready to adopt an entirely different way of behaving?

A wonderful friend of mine asked me offhand after the worship service, when we are going to stop worrying about the fact that people have stuff to do the next day. I wonder too. If Jesus walked (in the flesh, since His presence is all around us) into the room, would we stop? Would we stay late at a worship service because the Spirit still has stuff He wants to do? Would we get to work late because God told us to pray for someone?

Would we put our 'life' on hold? Maybe this is just the way I think, and I know it's not normal, but I really feel that what He and I have together is the best 'life' there is. It is worth being number one. It is worth putting the laundry on the couch and just talking to Him. It is worth redesigning our goals as a family, a church, a community, a city, a state, a nation...a world. Because when Jesus looked at Martha and said that Mary had chosen the better thing, He really really meant it.

Roses and Chives

I'm looking forward to spring already. Late to prepare my beds for winter, I got an early itch to sink my hands into the soil. I pulled out leaves, weeds and lots of self propagating chives. Determined little buggers...I  don't want chives amongst my roses. :P

A few years ago I planted some ground cover underneath my roses and it is finally started to work. Gradually creeping into all the available spacing and robbing it from the chives.

I need to learn how to use that tactic when it comes to my own character. It's so easy to get locked into a weed killer mindset, chasing down the flesh and killing each little bit. Like my chives however, its death is short lived. As long as something is fed, it will continue to live.

One of my favorite Graham Cooke quotes hints at an interesting solution;  "What if all that is dark in the world is because of an absence of Goodness?" You can't chase the dark out. The dark flees when light is introduced.

My periwinkle ground cover works a lot like the Holy Spirit. If I give Him space, He moves in. Softly. I don't even notice things are changing until the ache from growth begins. My roots are have been liberated and strengthened, and below ground growth necessitates above ground growth.

I don't have to run around wildly, extinguishing all that is flawed about myself. I just give Him permission. Living and breathing and having His being.

Dancing Horses

Last night I dreamed about Lipizzaner horses. Yes, weird. I know a lot about horses...they were my favorite thing when I was a kid. So even though I knew all about Lipizzaners, I looked them up anyway. And watched a youtube video. History says that the high dressage techniques called Airs above the Ground were designed for war...in order to scare the enemy. A more practical account suggest that the moves were designed to be special training for both mount and rider in preparation for war. Either way, watching these incredible horses dance and leap in exceptional trained maneuvers made me realize that even though a horses' natural self is made for eating grass, lying about and running intermittently, somehow mankind succeeded in pulling out improbable and unbelievable talents.


Know thyself. One of the most difficult, trying, joyous, confusing dictates on the earth. It's even harder when you grow up thinking of yourself as one thing and finding out thirty years later that you're something entirely different, and that all the struggle was due to putting a square peg in a round hole. Darnation!!

My biggest struggle in the past few years is learning how to manage my home, my time, my family, my energy and my heart. I am in a constant state of failure; always running from the avalanche. Having been told growing up that I was driven, I couldn't understand my lack of drive or motivation. A very dear friend told me that her tool was discovering ferocity. I thought, that's it! I need to be fierce! I WILL have victory! But that wasn't it. At least, not my 'it'.

So I discovered yesterday that I'm not driven. Adam had been hinting at it for a while. I thought he couldn't be right; when I was single I was very driven...I worked hard hours while going to school. But I forgot that I totally broke myself physically.

This morning I woke up quoting, "You have searched me, and you know me." He knows my personality because He made it. I am a relational thinker. Doing is not me. Doing is exhausting. "So how in the world am I supposed to do this?" I silently scream at Him. "I have big dreams! I still need to learn how to manage my home, my time, my skills!"

My sister told me that my ferocity should be focused on my relationship with Jesus. He knows my desires, and He can help me train myself and my family all while feeding and sustaining me. Flylady talks about cleaning house for 45 minutes and then resting 15. I think I need more than one quiet time with the Spirit per day. Maybe 15 minute fill up sessions per hour will do it. ;)

It is a relief to know that I don't have the natural ability to do. That means I'm starting from scratch, and there are no expectations; just learning what He thinks of me. It's a lot like teaching a horse to dance. ;)

Freaky deaky

Our church has been talking for some time about a supposed, hoped-for move of God. Being in New England, I don't know of many other places in America more starved for His touch. I've watched the gradual process of awareness in our church members; at one time they responded to a term like 'presence of God' with a combination of confusion, uncertainty and revulsion. Now they accept the possibility with an air of timid excitement. I have to say, it has been fun to watch. Frustrating, but worth it.

Occasionally out of nowhere certain things pop up in conversation, and I find it absolutely hilarious and disconcerting at the same time. Our Body consists of mostly Christians with a very conservative background, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at their feelings. I'm more surprised that they don't let their feelings lead them somewhere. Instead they sit on them like some kind of stubborn claim to something seemingly theologically obvious, but if they'd just think a bit, they might realize that they know almost as much as I do, which is almost nothing.

With talk that mentions 'Move of God' and 'Presence of God', lots of my fellow church members seem to have almost allergic reactions to the possibilities that come with those concepts. They think they are not Charismatic, but they don't seem to understand that the teaching coming from the pulpit for the past couple years has been balanced, scriptural...but also charismatic. They think charismatic/pentecostal movements come with other things...

They list with distaste the trembling, shaking, overall loss of bodily control that is supposed to be a marker of charismatic renewal. If they see this happen, they say, they're leaving.

I think this is especially silly because most of them have never seen this before; they've formed their opinion through hearsay. Somehow they've made up their mind that when God really moves, He only moves a certain way, and anything else is human manufacturing. Maybe they think when God shows up, we're going to have a nice sedate intellectual conversation, after which we go out into the world and meet the needs of the less fortunate.

I just listen and try to be understanding while asking questions to hopefully prompt further process. In the meantime I'm thinking...Who do they think God is? And What He is like? He created us to be beings like Him, but in a physical form. We are intellectual because He is. We are emotional because He is. Our inner core is spirit, because He is. We are physical because He created us that way...not because we are supposed to hate it, we are supposed to like it...because He loves it. He loves our physical bodies. God only creates good things.

We are filled with His spirit, but there are moments that He wants to get into our space. He did this constantly through scripture. If you look at Jesus, you can see it. Jesus had intellectual conversation. He quoted scripture. He prophesied. He named and called out identity. He made wine for drunk people. He put spit into people's eyes. He was constantly touching people. He liked intimate contact. He allowed John to rest his head on His chest. And everything He did, He revealed the Father because He and the Father are one.

I have been in charismatic churches and I have seen many things. I have seen people touched by God, and I have seen people acting silly and insane. I know that some of it is real, and some of it is fake. But the fake is not enough to keep me away.

I am not satisfied with Christianity if it is to just be an intellectual understanding. How does that prove to me that it's real? I'm free to pick any religion I want...why choose one like Christianity? Why not Buddhism? Or Wicca? Deciding to believe something that sounds good is not enough.

When God moves, I want Him to touch all of me. If I'm going to make an ass of myself telling people about Jesus, I need to know that I know.

Here is something that may sound heretical; Jesus saving me from sin and hell isn't enough either. I need to hear Him call my name...the one that only He and I will know. (Rev 2:17) I want to know Him as He is; all power and passion, wisdom and awareness, creativity and beauty. I imagine that when I start to see that, I will act a bit stupid. And that's ok with me.

Gems in a Battlefield

There's nothing like the bursting bubble of one's own pride. Or at least of one's own belief about oneself. Yesterday I was stunned by the realization that I'm still broken. Blah. You'd think after all the effort I put into delving into my problems and seeking God for help, that I'd be ahead. But no.

It doesn't happen often, but occasionally someone is born into the world with parents that love them, love God, and love the world together. That person grows into a beautiful, majestic story of an effortless beneficiary of God's smile. And I am transfixed by jealousy. Need. Desire. Broken.

I can have all the truth in the world, and I'm like little Golem clutching his Precious. Gems in a smoking battlefield. Still wretched and hurting, but with more accouterments.

Revelation is not Healing. I can think all the right thoughts but I can still be heartbroken.

taking out the wash

I haven't blogged in a few months. My brain is going through a major overhaul. I stopped writing because I asked a 'professional' to give me a critique, and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So I've been reevaluating...pretty much everything. :)

We all have a million opinions. Until recently, I was under the impression that most people actually go through a process before coming to a conclusion. I was wrong; undoubtedly you can also arrive at a conclusion by having a feeling or an experience. Interesting. ;)

I think about something for days. Months. I chew on it and evaluate it from every angle. I research, I ask for second opinions. Don't most people?

Funny thing. No matter how much time and reflection I spend on each and every conclusion and belief system I have, there are still structures in my head that are screwed up. The most profound screwiness is usually a result of childhood pain. Those places are the darkest, the fuzziest, and the ones least likely to find insight into.

I am so thankful for my friends. Jesus might be shining a searchlight on a certain spot, but I have my ultra dark glasses on. They can see the imbalance. They can see the broken wretchedness. And they love me. So they sweetly, gently, effortlessly take off my glasses and hold me while I break.

I listened to a sermon today on making declarations. The speaker said that if you speak what the Word says over yourself and it is difficult, that is an implication of a stronghold. Now it's time to start renewing your mind. This is not the power of positive thinking, this is realizing the Conclusion. The Conclusion is what God says about you and for you. The Conclusion is Who He is IN you. And the Conclusion prophesies into your present and towards your future.

Enough blogging. I have to finish the laundry. ;)