Lessons I've Learned as a Worshipping Musical Person

English is a clumsy language. When I say lessons I've learned, I really mean...learned and learning. Perfect tense. It's a continual learning, and I pray it never stops. The learning is so fun and fruitful that arrival is a lesser thing. :)

I love music, and I love using it to adore the One. He's becoming my best friend. To me, using music to worship is like the most intimate parts of marriage. Not necessarily sex...but whatever intimate tool you can use to establish the best connection. Music is the medium.

I had to go to Siloam Springs to Aldi today...so I had a lot of time to think. I thought I'd just list some of the things I've learned and fought through in the past few years...in regards to worship...and being a musical person.

1. The Ratings System
I used to analyze and quantify and attempt to define my ability. Whatever it was, it wasn't good enough. Not compared to the incredible musicians I was surrounded by. I was desperate to see where I stood, and my worth depended on how good or bad I was. A couple years ago I hit a wall and Jesus began to lead me through the slow process of chucking all that out the window.
Now, what I am worth is defined by the One who died to save me. Every day I ask for Him to tell me who I am. I'm not allowed to compare myself to others.

2. I am infinite.
I think most of us think we are finite beings. But we aren't. God is infinite and He created us to be infinite. Our ability to learn and grow is limitless. We are the only ones that provide limits. God is anxious for us to dream with Him. To grow in Him. He gave us all gifts, and we aren't stuck with them being exactly as they are. Our gifts can grow with us.

3. Humility
Humility isn't thinking that we are worthless, or that it's pride to love ourselves or our gifts. If I am constantly slamming myself or my abilities, what is that saying about Him? He created me for joy, for creativity, for overcoming. I'm learning to enjoy what He gave me. That isn't pride. It's learning to be a daughter with a good father. I heard someone say that true humility is knowing who we are without Jesus, and knowing who we are WITH Him. Everthing I am begins and ends in Him. He is my source.

4. Praise from others.
 I like attention and affirmation. I like to be told, specifically, what makes me special and unique and a blessing. But you know what? If I took every compliment and accolade and put it all together and stuffed it into my heart it still wouldn't fill me up. However, if I sit down in His presence and let my heart soften till I feel what He is saying, that's all I want. It's not that I don't want praise; it's that I've heard what He says and it's better. :)

5. Overflow
Learning how to pursue Him privately is the most important. I'm horrible at practicing, and when I do practice, it shows. In the same way, all the stuff I do with Him at home and in the quiet place will overflow in corporate worship. It's actually very hard for me to worship with a lot of people around. I've found though that the more I've practiced being with Him I become less aware of others when I'm in a corporate setting.

6. Hope
Hope deferred makes the heart sick. To think that what I have is all I have and there's no point in pursuit is a death knell. Knowing there's so much more and that His heart is for me gives me strength in the hard moments and joy and peace in the journey. There's so much ahead. It will only get better. :) 

The Limited and the Limitless

I am continually accosted. By cost. Everything costs me something. Everything costs money, time, effort, energy. I feel so limited by my little. I don't have enough money, energy, time, motivation. Especially this time of year. I don't feel pressured by Christmas, but I sure want to do more than I seem capable of.

Today I felt like He was reminding me that He is limitless, and He gives not effortlessly, but all. He gave it all and He is an unlimited well of goodness, of relentless peace, of violent joy. He is also the Initiator. Jesus was slain before the foundation of the world, and our history and scripture is an incredible story of Him initiating.

Glory to God in the Highest, peace on earth and good will to men.

My story with Him is about being limited, and meeting the Limitless One.

Teaching Self Control

Children need exterior control mechanisms or they would be huge octopi, flopping all over our known existence and sucking out all our happy. LOL. Selah.

Parenting is actually providing exterior controls in such a fashion that over time, children become adults and control themselves. If this doesn't happen, society provides rewards. ;)

Just because of my family experience, I went a slightly different direction. I became too self controlled. My mom was a great teacher. She taught godly principles, wisdom and self control. What she didn't teach was emotional process. Both my parents were caught up in their fear and disfunction, and had no idea how to handle their feelings. My mom taught scripture till she was blue in the face, but her fear kept her immobile and stern. My dad employed self control till he exploded. He was wrapped up in his own shattered dreams and selfishness.

I've been picking through the mess of this for years. Myself and my siblings all learned to be highly sensitive to the feelings of others, but either to deny, bury or abuse with our own. I want something more. I want to be whole and complete, wanting nothing. I want to embrace life and feel it. And I want to teach my children the same.

God saw fit to give me a feeler for a firstborn. She was a blessing. She outshone the sun, made friends for me when I was shy, and danced through life without a care. She didn't need rules; she naturally was sensitive to her surroundings and did the right thing. I rejoiced! Why teach principle when she already knew it naturally?!

I was wrong.

She's like an unpruned field, full of glorious feelings and depths of despair. I've controlled myself but I haven't taught her to do the same. But...all is not lost. I'm proof.

I was full of principle but no love. No fertilizer. Dying and strapped to my trellis. Hit me with a little love and sunshine, and whammo! The reverse is true.

I can teach character to a jungle. It's possible. I need a big stick, a machete, and a bunch of twine. Just kidding. ;)

Overcome with love.

The Emperor Over The Sea

I'm normally not preoccupied with sin. I'd rather, as Graham Cooke would put it, be preoccupied with His righteousness. Maybe being in the bible belt now has reminded me of a few things, so I'm following Him in establishing the right foundation. :)

In terms of judgement and mercy, sin and punishment, I think we often think of God as Janus; the Roman god of transitions. Janus is usually depicted with an angry face on one side and a happy face on the other. It's a flip of the coin to see which one you get.

God isn't a god of chance, of war and peace. There are things He emphasizes, things He whispers and things He thunders about. Each expression is of Him, yet some things are more important than others. God isn't messy or confused, but often our perception of Him is.

Most of us seem to think that judgement and sin are things that He screams. I feel that with judgement, it's a thing that He is both rational and sorrowful about. Rational in that there must be a consequence for certain things, and sorrowful that our choices can bring us pain.

What we don't seem to get is that there is something that screams louder than anything. Mercy.

Mercy triumphs over judgement. Mercy is always bigger, louder, greater. Jesus as the atonement for sin. Jesus, punished with the sin of the world. That screams mercy.

There is a section in the book The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe that illustrates this well. Lucy and Susan had witnessed Aslan being killed in the traitor Edmund's place. They fell asleep crying and woke to discover He had come back to life. How was this possible? How could one overturn judgement?

"It means that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards."

What screams and whispers in our hearts when we look at ourselves or others? We can look like God in that we can identify sin and holiness, good and evil, but our response needs to be tempered like His is. With a Cross. 

Sin Is Not What We Think It Is

This is not a full sermon on sin, because I don't have that kind of time. Just some thoughts I've had recently.

Sin is not what we think it is. We think of sin as the BIG BAD NO NO. Those of us that have had some theological education know that it is an act or idea that is deserving of death and only through Jesus do we have any hope. This is true, in part. Most of us think of sin as the result of breaking a rule. It is, and it isn't. The problem with thinking that it's the consequence of a broken rule, or that it's just a bad thing, get trapped when they look at the 'sin' and see that it looks 'good'. "They saw the fruit of the tree and that it was good to eat."

The fruit of the tree wasn't sinful. But the thought process that led them to eat it, was. Their conclusion was one that was self sustained.

God created us for relationship with Him. He gave the commandments to Israel because they preferred behavior modification over intimacy. He wanted them to be set apart. But behavior modification is short lived; you never give over that last bit of yourself, and it keeps respawning.

I've heard christians tell me that they struggle with this or that sin. I always wonder why. Why would anyone choose to struggle over sin...unless in their heart of hearts they were really convinced that the sin would be better. More fulfilling. You can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That horse has to WANT the water. You can logically know something is bad for you, but until you BELIEVE it is bad for you, your desire for it will not be quenched.

Let's take something like lust. If I lust after someone, behavior modification would say, don't look, don't think about it, don't expose yourself. Relationship with God invites something else. He asks, "Why? Who are you, Jessica? What do you need? Do you know what you need? Have you shown your husband your heart? Let's process this together. Don't be afraid. I know who and Whose you are."

That's intimacy. And not only is it more fulfilling than behavior modification, it is life changing.

We think of holiness as restriction. It's not. It's our best life. Living it fully, completely, hand in hand with Him. It's not behavior modification or rules, because there is no way we can achieve holiness by those things. Holiness is really, Wholeness. It's our whole self, fully realized in Him.

Measure and extravagance

The patriarch of my family was my grandfather. I adored him, despite his stingy heart. When some of us think of misers, we picture Scrooge Macduff, sitting on his pile of money. Misers may have tons of money in their mattress, but their poverty comes from their heart. And it is devastating.

I married the most generous man I know. He's like Santa. Always generous, always giving. When he stays tapped into the love of His Father, the richness of his heart can be outright ludicrous. :)

This challenges me because my generosity is measured. It is weighed. My grandfather rears his hoary head in my soul and evaluates what has been given, and received. Everything must be equal.

Over the years my soul is challenged again and again, and it is becoming more frequent. People give to me more than I can repay. They give me their talent, their time, their money. I CANNOT REPAY IT. It drives me bonkers. I'm afraid they are like my grandfather, waiting for repayment. My guilt can be crippling.

We just moved to a tiny town in Oklahoma. After feeling claustrophobic in a highly residential neighborhood in Connecticut, we are reveling in the big skies, quiet farmland and smiling people. What we did not expect were neighbors. Each lives a quarter to half mile away, and still they 'popped by' the first week we were here. They give us space, but they wave every time they drive by. I congratulated myself by busting out cinnamon rolls and taking them over last night to say Merry Christmas.

I really think God gets amused by my giving.

Just now one couple dropped by with Christmas goodies. And not just goodies, overflowing Christmas bags of presents for the kids. I was blown away. With our recent move our finances have been tighter than we'd like at this time of year. My Santa husband is struggling, but my more measured generosity sees it as a chance to teach character. LOL!!!!

God is such a good Papa. And He is anything but measured. God is lavish. He is abundant. He doesn't weigh what He has or what has been given. He gives ALL.

He gave all He had because of how much He loves us. He gave Himself. I love my grandfather dearly, but I want to look like my Papa. Extravagant.

Little Flames

Four years ago I was one month away from giving birth to my son. My first two were daughters, and even though I had brothers, I didn't know what to expect when it came to boys. It's been a joy every day since I saw his chubby face. 

Eben is very physical. He hits and kicks everything, including his sisters. Sometimes he just walks and kicks and punches, while saying, "Kick! Punch!" He's a living comic hero; I keep expecting Kazam! and Kapow! to appear in bubbles over his head. My husband and I are constantly teaching him boundaries about physical contact. 

What I didn't expect was that I'd be his queen. I'm perfect. The most beautiful. I make the best food. I sing the best songs. A couple weeks ago when I dressed up to go out, he swatted my bottom and said I was 'dewishous'. I can't imagine where he learned that... ;)

I was a little conflicted by this hero worship. I'd seen the same dynamic with my brother and my mom, and I didn't like it. I'd also seen countless mothers resist the mother/son separation that eventually ends in marriage, and I didn't like that either. 

So this is what I'm learning. I love being worshipped. God and I have something in common. :) But being god in my son's life has huge ramifications; how he views and treats women hinges largely on me. 

This is what I will teach:

Be gentle. Listen. Be strong. Be sensitive. Treat women like ladies, but have boundaries. 

I'm sure that list will grow, but it's a start. 

Someday my boy will worship another, and I will celebrate it while shedding a few tears. I choose not to worry about this eventuality, because the reality is that I have someone else that worships me and doesn't leave. :)

Today I said this to a friend, "Keep the homefires burning because the little flames leave." The love I share with my husband isn't as blind as the love my son has for me, but it's better. Intimacy can be scary. My husband will tell me what he thinks. Sometimes he corrects me. Often he challenges me. And the very best thing, he always chooses me. It's dewishous. :D