I am continually accosted. By cost. Everything costs me something. Everything costs money, time, effort, energy. I feel so limited by my little. I don't have enough money, energy, time, motivation. Especially this time of year. I don't feel pressured by Christmas, but I sure want to do more than I seem capable of.
Today I felt like He was reminding me that He is limitless, and He gives not effortlessly, but all. He gave it all and He is an unlimited well of goodness, of relentless peace, of violent joy. He is also the Initiator. Jesus was slain before the foundation of the world, and our history and scripture is an incredible story of Him initiating.
Glory to God in the Highest, peace on earth and good will to men.
My story with Him is about being limited, and meeting the Limitless One.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Teaching Self Control
Children need exterior control mechanisms or they would be huge octopi, flopping all over our known existence and sucking out all our happy. LOL. Selah.
Parenting is actually providing exterior controls in such a fashion that over time, children become adults and control themselves. If this doesn't happen, society provides rewards. ;)
Just because of my family experience, I went a slightly different direction. I became too self controlled. My mom was a great teacher. She taught godly principles, wisdom and self control. What she didn't teach was emotional process. Both my parents were caught up in their fear and disfunction, and had no idea how to handle their feelings. My mom taught scripture till she was blue in the face, but her fear kept her immobile and stern. My dad employed self control till he exploded. He was wrapped up in his own shattered dreams and selfishness.
I've been picking through the mess of this for years. Myself and my siblings all learned to be highly sensitive to the feelings of others, but either to deny, bury or abuse with our own. I want something more. I want to be whole and complete, wanting nothing. I want to embrace life and feel it. And I want to teach my children the same.
God saw fit to give me a feeler for a firstborn. She was a blessing. She outshone the sun, made friends for me when I was shy, and danced through life without a care. She didn't need rules; she naturally was sensitive to her surroundings and did the right thing. I rejoiced! Why teach principle when she already knew it naturally?!
I was wrong.
She's like an unpruned field, full of glorious feelings and depths of despair. I've controlled myself but I haven't taught her to do the same. But...all is not lost. I'm proof.
I was full of principle but no love. No fertilizer. Dying and strapped to my trellis. Hit me with a little love and sunshine, and whammo! The reverse is true.
I can teach character to a jungle. It's possible. I need a big stick, a machete, and a bunch of twine. Just kidding. ;)
Overcome with love.
Parenting is actually providing exterior controls in such a fashion that over time, children become adults and control themselves. If this doesn't happen, society provides rewards. ;)
Just because of my family experience, I went a slightly different direction. I became too self controlled. My mom was a great teacher. She taught godly principles, wisdom and self control. What she didn't teach was emotional process. Both my parents were caught up in their fear and disfunction, and had no idea how to handle their feelings. My mom taught scripture till she was blue in the face, but her fear kept her immobile and stern. My dad employed self control till he exploded. He was wrapped up in his own shattered dreams and selfishness.
I've been picking through the mess of this for years. Myself and my siblings all learned to be highly sensitive to the feelings of others, but either to deny, bury or abuse with our own. I want something more. I want to be whole and complete, wanting nothing. I want to embrace life and feel it. And I want to teach my children the same.
God saw fit to give me a feeler for a firstborn. She was a blessing. She outshone the sun, made friends for me when I was shy, and danced through life without a care. She didn't need rules; she naturally was sensitive to her surroundings and did the right thing. I rejoiced! Why teach principle when she already knew it naturally?!
I was wrong.
She's like an unpruned field, full of glorious feelings and depths of despair. I've controlled myself but I haven't taught her to do the same. But...all is not lost. I'm proof.
I was full of principle but no love. No fertilizer. Dying and strapped to my trellis. Hit me with a little love and sunshine, and whammo! The reverse is true.
I can teach character to a jungle. It's possible. I need a big stick, a machete, and a bunch of twine. Just kidding. ;)
Overcome with love.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
The Emperor Over The Sea
I'm normally not preoccupied with sin. I'd rather, as Graham Cooke would put it, be preoccupied with His righteousness. Maybe being in the bible belt now has reminded me of a few things, so I'm following Him in establishing the right foundation. :)
In terms of judgement and mercy, sin and punishment, I think we often think of God as Janus; the Roman god of transitions. Janus is usually depicted with an angry face on one side and a happy face on the other. It's a flip of the coin to see which one you get.
God isn't a god of chance, of war and peace. There are things He emphasizes, things He whispers and things He thunders about. Each expression is of Him, yet some things are more important than others. God isn't messy or confused, but often our perception of Him is.
Most of us seem to think that judgement and sin are things that He screams. I feel that with judgement, it's a thing that He is both rational and sorrowful about. Rational in that there must be a consequence for certain things, and sorrowful that our choices can bring us pain.
What we don't seem to get is that there is something that screams louder than anything. Mercy.
Mercy triumphs over judgement. Mercy is always bigger, louder, greater. Jesus as the atonement for sin. Jesus, punished with the sin of the world. That screams mercy.
There is a section in the book The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe that illustrates this well. Lucy and Susan had witnessed Aslan being killed in the traitor Edmund's place. They fell asleep crying and woke to discover He had come back to life. How was this possible? How could one overturn judgement?
"It means that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards."
In terms of judgement and mercy, sin and punishment, I think we often think of God as Janus; the Roman god of transitions. Janus is usually depicted with an angry face on one side and a happy face on the other. It's a flip of the coin to see which one you get.
God isn't a god of chance, of war and peace. There are things He emphasizes, things He whispers and things He thunders about. Each expression is of Him, yet some things are more important than others. God isn't messy or confused, but often our perception of Him is.
Most of us seem to think that judgement and sin are things that He screams. I feel that with judgement, it's a thing that He is both rational and sorrowful about. Rational in that there must be a consequence for certain things, and sorrowful that our choices can bring us pain.
What we don't seem to get is that there is something that screams louder than anything. Mercy.
Mercy triumphs over judgement. Mercy is always bigger, louder, greater. Jesus as the atonement for sin. Jesus, punished with the sin of the world. That screams mercy.
There is a section in the book The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe that illustrates this well. Lucy and Susan had witnessed Aslan being killed in the traitor Edmund's place. They fell asleep crying and woke to discover He had come back to life. How was this possible? How could one overturn judgement?
"It means that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards."
What screams and whispers in our hearts when we look at ourselves or others? We can look like God in that we can identify sin and holiness, good and evil, but our response needs to be tempered like His is. With a Cross.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Sin Is Not What We Think It Is
This is not a full sermon on sin, because I don't have that kind of time. Just some thoughts I've had recently.
Sin is not what we think it is. We think of sin as the BIG BAD NO NO. Those of us that have had some theological education know that it is an act or idea that is deserving of death and only through Jesus do we have any hope. This is true, in part. Most of us think of sin as the result of breaking a rule. It is, and it isn't. The problem with thinking that it's the consequence of a broken rule, or that it's just a bad thing, get trapped when they look at the 'sin' and see that it looks 'good'. "They saw the fruit of the tree and that it was good to eat."
The fruit of the tree wasn't sinful. But the thought process that led them to eat it, was. Their conclusion was one that was self sustained.
God created us for relationship with Him. He gave the commandments to Israel because they preferred behavior modification over intimacy. He wanted them to be set apart. But behavior modification is short lived; you never give over that last bit of yourself, and it keeps respawning.
I've heard christians tell me that they struggle with this or that sin. I always wonder why. Why would anyone choose to struggle over sin...unless in their heart of hearts they were really convinced that the sin would be better. More fulfilling. You can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That horse has to WANT the water. You can logically know something is bad for you, but until you BELIEVE it is bad for you, your desire for it will not be quenched.
Let's take something like lust. If I lust after someone, behavior modification would say, don't look, don't think about it, don't expose yourself. Relationship with God invites something else. He asks, "Why? Who are you, Jessica? What do you need? Do you know what you need? Have you shown your husband your heart? Let's process this together. Don't be afraid. I know who and Whose you are."
That's intimacy. And not only is it more fulfilling than behavior modification, it is life changing.
We think of holiness as restriction. It's not. It's our best life. Living it fully, completely, hand in hand with Him. It's not behavior modification or rules, because there is no way we can achieve holiness by those things. Holiness is really, Wholeness. It's our whole self, fully realized in Him.
Sin is not what we think it is. We think of sin as the BIG BAD NO NO. Those of us that have had some theological education know that it is an act or idea that is deserving of death and only through Jesus do we have any hope. This is true, in part. Most of us think of sin as the result of breaking a rule. It is, and it isn't. The problem with thinking that it's the consequence of a broken rule, or that it's just a bad thing, get trapped when they look at the 'sin' and see that it looks 'good'. "They saw the fruit of the tree and that it was good to eat."
The fruit of the tree wasn't sinful. But the thought process that led them to eat it, was. Their conclusion was one that was self sustained.
God created us for relationship with Him. He gave the commandments to Israel because they preferred behavior modification over intimacy. He wanted them to be set apart. But behavior modification is short lived; you never give over that last bit of yourself, and it keeps respawning.
I've heard christians tell me that they struggle with this or that sin. I always wonder why. Why would anyone choose to struggle over sin...unless in their heart of hearts they were really convinced that the sin would be better. More fulfilling. You can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That horse has to WANT the water. You can logically know something is bad for you, but until you BELIEVE it is bad for you, your desire for it will not be quenched.
Let's take something like lust. If I lust after someone, behavior modification would say, don't look, don't think about it, don't expose yourself. Relationship with God invites something else. He asks, "Why? Who are you, Jessica? What do you need? Do you know what you need? Have you shown your husband your heart? Let's process this together. Don't be afraid. I know who and Whose you are."
That's intimacy. And not only is it more fulfilling than behavior modification, it is life changing.
We think of holiness as restriction. It's not. It's our best life. Living it fully, completely, hand in hand with Him. It's not behavior modification or rules, because there is no way we can achieve holiness by those things. Holiness is really, Wholeness. It's our whole self, fully realized in Him.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Measure and extravagance
The patriarch of my family was my grandfather. I adored him, despite his stingy heart. When some of us think of misers, we picture Scrooge Macduff, sitting on his pile of money. Misers may have tons of money in their mattress, but their poverty comes from their heart. And it is devastating.
I married the most generous man I know. He's like Santa. Always generous, always giving. When he stays tapped into the love of His Father, the richness of his heart can be outright ludicrous. :)
This challenges me because my generosity is measured. It is weighed. My grandfather rears his hoary head in my soul and evaluates what has been given, and received. Everything must be equal.
Over the years my soul is challenged again and again, and it is becoming more frequent. People give to me more than I can repay. They give me their talent, their time, their money. I CANNOT REPAY IT. It drives me bonkers. I'm afraid they are like my grandfather, waiting for repayment. My guilt can be crippling.
We just moved to a tiny town in Oklahoma. After feeling claustrophobic in a highly residential neighborhood in Connecticut, we are reveling in the big skies, quiet farmland and smiling people. What we did not expect were neighbors. Each lives a quarter to half mile away, and still they 'popped by' the first week we were here. They give us space, but they wave every time they drive by. I congratulated myself by busting out cinnamon rolls and taking them over last night to say Merry Christmas.
I really think God gets amused by my giving.
Just now one couple dropped by with Christmas goodies. And not just goodies, overflowing Christmas bags of presents for the kids. I was blown away. With our recent move our finances have been tighter than we'd like at this time of year. My Santa husband is struggling, but my more measured generosity sees it as a chance to teach character. LOL!!!!
God is such a good Papa. And He is anything but measured. God is lavish. He is abundant. He doesn't weigh what He has or what has been given. He gives ALL.
He gave all He had because of how much He loves us. He gave Himself. I love my grandfather dearly, but I want to look like my Papa. Extravagant.
I married the most generous man I know. He's like Santa. Always generous, always giving. When he stays tapped into the love of His Father, the richness of his heart can be outright ludicrous. :)
This challenges me because my generosity is measured. It is weighed. My grandfather rears his hoary head in my soul and evaluates what has been given, and received. Everything must be equal.
Over the years my soul is challenged again and again, and it is becoming more frequent. People give to me more than I can repay. They give me their talent, their time, their money. I CANNOT REPAY IT. It drives me bonkers. I'm afraid they are like my grandfather, waiting for repayment. My guilt can be crippling.
We just moved to a tiny town in Oklahoma. After feeling claustrophobic in a highly residential neighborhood in Connecticut, we are reveling in the big skies, quiet farmland and smiling people. What we did not expect were neighbors. Each lives a quarter to half mile away, and still they 'popped by' the first week we were here. They give us space, but they wave every time they drive by. I congratulated myself by busting out cinnamon rolls and taking them over last night to say Merry Christmas.
I really think God gets amused by my giving.
Just now one couple dropped by with Christmas goodies. And not just goodies, overflowing Christmas bags of presents for the kids. I was blown away. With our recent move our finances have been tighter than we'd like at this time of year. My Santa husband is struggling, but my more measured generosity sees it as a chance to teach character. LOL!!!!
God is such a good Papa. And He is anything but measured. God is lavish. He is abundant. He doesn't weigh what He has or what has been given. He gives ALL.
He gave all He had because of how much He loves us. He gave Himself. I love my grandfather dearly, but I want to look like my Papa. Extravagant.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Little Flames
Four years ago I was one month away from giving birth to my son. My first two were daughters, and even though I had brothers, I didn't know what to expect when it came to boys. It's been a joy every day since I saw his chubby face.
Eben is very physical. He hits and kicks everything, including his sisters. Sometimes he just walks and kicks and punches, while saying, "Kick! Punch!" He's a living comic hero; I keep expecting Kazam! and Kapow! to appear in bubbles over his head. My husband and I are constantly teaching him boundaries about physical contact.
What I didn't expect was that I'd be his queen. I'm perfect. The most beautiful. I make the best food. I sing the best songs. A couple weeks ago when I dressed up to go out, he swatted my bottom and said I was 'dewishous'. I can't imagine where he learned that... ;)
I was a little conflicted by this hero worship. I'd seen the same dynamic with my brother and my mom, and I didn't like it. I'd also seen countless mothers resist the mother/son separation that eventually ends in marriage, and I didn't like that either.
So this is what I'm learning. I love being worshipped. God and I have something in common. :) But being god in my son's life has huge ramifications; how he views and treats women hinges largely on me.
This is what I will teach:
Be gentle. Listen. Be strong. Be sensitive. Treat women like ladies, but have boundaries.
I'm sure that list will grow, but it's a start.
Someday my boy will worship another, and I will celebrate it while shedding a few tears. I choose not to worry about this eventuality, because the reality is that I have someone else that worships me and doesn't leave. :)
Today I said this to a friend, "Keep the homefires burning because the little flames leave." The love I share with my husband isn't as blind as the love my son has for me, but it's better. Intimacy can be scary. My husband will tell me what he thinks. Sometimes he corrects me. Often he challenges me. And the very best thing, he always chooses me. It's dewishous. :D
Monday, November 10, 2014
The Biggest Battle
Today was a day of multiple lessons. I'm learning to organize, plan and schedule. I'm not deterred by the fact that I haven't done that much in the past years, I was building a house instead. So now I'm building my family. Better late than never. ;)
First move; tweak my parenting. I'm reading Parenting the Powerful Child by Dr. Kevin Leman. I recommend it, as all my children are powerful. As I'm a staunch advocate of Danny Silk, I want my children to be powerful. I just don't want them to become insensitive pricks. :D (sorry, that was a Men In Black moment)
We have two puppies that love to chew. Recently they found stuffing from who knows where and spread it all over the yard. I'd given the kids multiple opportunities to clean it up but they didn't and the job got bigger. Providence slept in till ten today so I thought it was a job she'd have plenty of energy for. But it was not so. It was to big, too hard, she just couldn't do it! I told her I was willing to do it, but I was busy and it would cost her fifty dollars. (she just got fifty dollars for her birthday) She chose to pay me fifty dollars.
I was flummoxed. That didn't go the way I wanted it to, so I prayed. Then I went and raked the yard. Took me twelve minutes; most lucrative twelve minutes I've ever worked. Lightbulb! The barn was trashed with paper, broken glass, and misc things that the puppies had pulled out.
I called Providence. "You have the opportunity to earn back your money. I really wanted to take you clothes shopping. You have thirty minutes to decide if you want the job." Five minutes later she was walking to the barn with a trashbag. Sweet! I thought...
The battle wasn't over. Ten minutes later she came back inside. She'd given up; it was too hard, too big, she just COULDN'T. I looked at her, prayed, and then unloaded.
"Your biggest battle is yourself. The job is small. you are letting your fear of spiders, of amount of work, be bigger than you. It's not hard. It's easy. Tenacity and determination are muscles. You have to CHALLENGE them. If you never do this, you won't become interesting enough for an amazing guy. You won't finish college. You won't do anything."
I was worried I was too harsh. A few minutes later, she silently left to try again. Fifteen minutes later it was done. I asked her if she was proud of herself. "NO." She replied. But I saw a grin sneak into the corners of her mouth as she walked away. ;)
First move; tweak my parenting. I'm reading Parenting the Powerful Child by Dr. Kevin Leman. I recommend it, as all my children are powerful. As I'm a staunch advocate of Danny Silk, I want my children to be powerful. I just don't want them to become insensitive pricks. :D (sorry, that was a Men In Black moment)
We have two puppies that love to chew. Recently they found stuffing from who knows where and spread it all over the yard. I'd given the kids multiple opportunities to clean it up but they didn't and the job got bigger. Providence slept in till ten today so I thought it was a job she'd have plenty of energy for. But it was not so. It was to big, too hard, she just couldn't do it! I told her I was willing to do it, but I was busy and it would cost her fifty dollars. (she just got fifty dollars for her birthday) She chose to pay me fifty dollars.
I was flummoxed. That didn't go the way I wanted it to, so I prayed. Then I went and raked the yard. Took me twelve minutes; most lucrative twelve minutes I've ever worked. Lightbulb! The barn was trashed with paper, broken glass, and misc things that the puppies had pulled out.
I called Providence. "You have the opportunity to earn back your money. I really wanted to take you clothes shopping. You have thirty minutes to decide if you want the job." Five minutes later she was walking to the barn with a trashbag. Sweet! I thought...
The battle wasn't over. Ten minutes later she came back inside. She'd given up; it was too hard, too big, she just COULDN'T. I looked at her, prayed, and then unloaded.
"Your biggest battle is yourself. The job is small. you are letting your fear of spiders, of amount of work, be bigger than you. It's not hard. It's easy. Tenacity and determination are muscles. You have to CHALLENGE them. If you never do this, you won't become interesting enough for an amazing guy. You won't finish college. You won't do anything."
I was worried I was too harsh. A few minutes later, she silently left to try again. Fifteen minutes later it was done. I asked her if she was proud of herself. "NO." She replied. But I saw a grin sneak into the corners of her mouth as she walked away. ;)
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