English is a clumsy language. When I say lessons I've learned, I really mean...learned and learning. Perfect tense. It's a continual learning, and I pray it never stops. The learning is so fun and fruitful that arrival is a lesser thing. :)
I love music, and I love using it to adore the One. He's becoming my best friend. To me, using music to worship is like the most intimate parts of marriage. Not necessarily sex...but whatever intimate tool you can use to establish the best connection. Music is the medium.
I had to go to Siloam Springs to Aldi today...so I had a lot of time to think. I thought I'd just list some of the things I've learned and fought through in the past few years...in regards to worship...and being a musical person.
1. The Ratings System
I used to analyze and quantify and attempt to define my ability. Whatever it was, it wasn't good enough. Not compared to the incredible musicians I was surrounded by. I was desperate to see where I stood, and my worth depended on how good or bad I was. A couple years ago I hit a wall and Jesus began to lead me through the slow process of chucking all that out the window.
Now, what I am worth is defined by the One who died to save me. Every day I ask for Him to tell me who I am. I'm not allowed to compare myself to others.
2. I am infinite.
I think most of us think we are finite beings. But we aren't. God is infinite and He created us to be infinite. Our ability to learn and grow is limitless. We are the only ones that provide limits. God is anxious for us to dream with Him. To grow in Him. He gave us all gifts, and we aren't stuck with them being exactly as they are. Our gifts can grow with us.
3. Humility
Humility isn't thinking that we are worthless, or that it's pride to love ourselves or our gifts. If I am constantly slamming myself or my abilities, what is that saying about Him? He created me for joy, for creativity, for overcoming. I'm learning to enjoy what He gave me. That isn't pride. It's learning to be a daughter with a good father. I heard someone say that true humility is knowing who we are without Jesus, and knowing who we are WITH Him. Everthing I am begins and ends in Him. He is my source.
4. Praise from others.
I like attention and affirmation. I like to be told, specifically, what makes me special and unique and a blessing. But you know what? If I took every compliment and accolade and put it all together and stuffed it into my heart it still wouldn't fill me up. However, if I sit down in His presence and let my heart soften till I feel what He is saying, that's all I want. It's not that I don't want praise; it's that I've heard what He says and it's better. :)
5. Overflow
Learning how to pursue Him privately is the most important. I'm horrible at practicing, and when I do practice, it shows. In the same way, all the stuff I do with Him at home and in the quiet place will overflow in corporate worship. It's actually very hard for me to worship with a lot of people around. I've found though that the more I've practiced being with Him I become less aware of others when I'm in a corporate setting.
6. Hope
Hope deferred makes the heart sick. To think that what I have is all I have and there's no point in pursuit is a death knell. Knowing there's so much more and that His heart is for me gives me strength in the hard moments and joy and peace in the journey. There's so much ahead. It will only get better. :)
