Gems in a Battlefield

There's nothing like the bursting bubble of one's own pride. Or at least of one's own belief about oneself. Yesterday I was stunned by the realization that I'm still broken. Blah. You'd think after all the effort I put into delving into my problems and seeking God for help, that I'd be ahead. But no.

It doesn't happen often, but occasionally someone is born into the world with parents that love them, love God, and love the world together. That person grows into a beautiful, majestic story of an effortless beneficiary of God's smile. And I am transfixed by jealousy. Need. Desire. Broken.

I can have all the truth in the world, and I'm like little Golem clutching his Precious. Gems in a smoking battlefield. Still wretched and hurting, but with more accouterments.

Revelation is not Healing. I can think all the right thoughts but I can still be heartbroken.

taking out the wash

I haven't blogged in a few months. My brain is going through a major overhaul. I stopped writing because I asked a 'professional' to give me a critique, and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So I've been reevaluating...pretty much everything. :)

We all have a million opinions. Until recently, I was under the impression that most people actually go through a process before coming to a conclusion. I was wrong; undoubtedly you can also arrive at a conclusion by having a feeling or an experience. Interesting. ;)

I think about something for days. Months. I chew on it and evaluate it from every angle. I research, I ask for second opinions. Don't most people?

Funny thing. No matter how much time and reflection I spend on each and every conclusion and belief system I have, there are still structures in my head that are screwed up. The most profound screwiness is usually a result of childhood pain. Those places are the darkest, the fuzziest, and the ones least likely to find insight into.

I am so thankful for my friends. Jesus might be shining a searchlight on a certain spot, but I have my ultra dark glasses on. They can see the imbalance. They can see the broken wretchedness. And they love me. So they sweetly, gently, effortlessly take off my glasses and hold me while I break.

I listened to a sermon today on making declarations. The speaker said that if you speak what the Word says over yourself and it is difficult, that is an implication of a stronghold. Now it's time to start renewing your mind. This is not the power of positive thinking, this is realizing the Conclusion. The Conclusion is what God says about you and for you. The Conclusion is Who He is IN you. And the Conclusion prophesies into your present and towards your future.

Enough blogging. I have to finish the laundry. ;)