Lies and Desire

I was taught that desire was evil. Unless it was something of God or of some practical use. Like, if I desired to be kind. Or if I desired to wash the dishes. All good. Any other desires might be fueled by pride, a need for attention, or just a mistaken view of the harshness of the world. Don't hope for anything, because disappointment is crushing.

Growing up I always wanted to sing. I'd run through the pasture singing The Hills Are Alive, or America the Beautiful. I was sheltered from pop music so I didn't sing Like a Virgin. I guess that's a blessing. I was so hungry to sing, but I questioned that desire with every ounce of my being. Here's my check list:

1. I want attention
2. If I'm meant to sing, I'd have a great voice.
3. I don't have a great voice
4. If I'm meant to sing, I'd do it anywhere at any time and all the time. I'd wait till I was in private.
5. Anything I want can't be from God.

Eventually I shut all that down in order to pursue voice in college. But I developed acid reflux from stress and entirely lost my voice. So, I took that as a sign from God; He doesn't want me singing.

After years of pain during singing, I came to a moment in worship that required a decision. Basically, I said, "Screw this, God! I'm going to sing and worship you! Even if it hurts! At least I'd give my last little bit to you instead of reserving my voice for me." And for the first time in my life, I felt God touch me.

That started a long process of faith. My voice often hurt, but not nearly as bad. I began practicing, took vocal lessons, and set my feet towards Him. The funniest part was that I still hated my voice. I had a friend tell me I sounded like Julie Andrews. That cut me to the quick. I didn't want to sound like Julie Andrews. I wanted to sound like Adele. :)

I started singing in a worship team at church. That was trippy. Here I didn't like my voice and I had to hear it magnified by the mic, through the monitor and into the mains. Happy happy joy joy. (make sure you enter sarcasm there)

I was scared every time. It sucked. But do you know what? After a long period of time, only one of my two major truths remained. I wanted to sing and I hated my voice. Which one do you think was allowed to stick around? :)

I'm still not particularly brave. I'm working on it. I still don't think my voice is fantastic, but I don't hate it. Know why? Because I've got the only one. God made only one of me. There is only one voice fully mine, and if that's how I'm going to express myself to my Jesus then so be it. If He is happy with my voice, then I will be too.

Desire is not bad. Finding out where the desire will lead you can be a bit tricky, but if you hand it fully to Him, the path is fulfilling and brilliant.

May your every moment be filled with desire and passion. May you set your feet towards the Author and Perfecter of your faith. :)