Double Dip of Grace

I have always had a foot shaped mouth. While I have a really hard time talking about how I feel, it's easy for me to talk about what I'm thinking. If you've ever asked me a question and I have an easy answer, it's because I've spent hours and hours thinking about it already. I really do have a library and a laboratory in my head.

I also don't always pick up on others' cues. If I've thought about it a great deal, I'm ready to jump in and discuss. Truth and understanding are so important to me that I walk around my own discomfort and insecurity just to get to a better grasp of it. So yeah...others' cues. I've managed to step on many toes.

Since I'm not great at understanding my feelings, I choose doormat status often. Ever the pragmatist, the truth is more important than my soft squishy center. Here's the thing...I really abhor offense. I tell myself often...slow to offense. Slow.

I don't get offended often. But I offend accidentally with high regularity. I'm always apologizing for overstepping. But here's the thing. I'm pissed.

I'm mad that others' didn't give me the grace I give them constantly. I'm angry that they didn't think more highly of me. I'm upset that they assumed the worst and devalued my character. I'm even more incensed that they didn't use the opportunity to pursue relationship. I'm offended that they are offended.

For years I called it hurt. It didn't feel like anger. It felt like pain. However, hurt and offense can be two sides of the same coin. They walk hand in hand with pride and insecurity. Once again, like Aslan tells Lucy, it is about my story.

Can I love without reservation. Can I forgive without resentment. Can I apologize without feeling violated?
As Danny Silk says, it's about getting my love on. And goodness, am I not even there yet.