Orphan Princess

When I was a child, I had an entire world of fantasy and stories in my head just waiting to be spun into being. Much of my life was spent immersed in my stories, mostly because they were a respite from my day to day life. At about twelve or thirteen or thereabouts I had one very special story that I replayed in different forms over and over. It went something like this...

Usually set in a renaissance time period, I was a homeless orphan selling flowers or whatnot to passersby. One day a lord on horseback knocked me over and after helping me to my feet, he noticed an odd birthmark on my shoulder. Of course, he recognized this as a royal birthmark and concludes that I am the long lost princess. I am returned to the royal family with much rejoicing. I know...original, right?
After being offered my choice of rooms in the castle, I chose the tower room. For the rest of the story I imagined cleaning and decorating the tower into a comforting and beautiful room. I rarely came out of the tower, and I didn't get to know my new family.

This little fantasy popped into my head a couple days ago and I realized how telling it was. Both spiritually and physically I have been pulled out of my old life of poverty and oppression. I have a pretty little house that has been a joy to raise my three children...such a huge leap from the house I grew up in. My husband loves me incredibly and loves our children just as much. Totally new experience for me. The biggest gift, however, is growing in the revelation of how much I am loved by God. He is already so pleased with me. Nothing I can do can separate me from Him. He loves it when I seek Him, and He probably enjoys my presence more than I enjoy His.

Yet in spite of all this, I somehow keep to my tower. I have abundance, but I still fear lack. I have love, and in spite of how I value intimacy, the process always makes me feel exposed. Because I'm afraid. Maybe God and others will see past my princess dress and observe my rags and filth. When I'm told that God's dreams for me are bigger than mine, I don't believe it. I am easily shaken and easily lose my understanding of my position. So this is my new meditation and mantra.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have possession of the kingdom, not just the tower room. Because Jesus took the authority from Satan and gave it to me. God wants and enjoys me, because He thinks I'm brilliant. I don't need to be afraid, because He has given me power and a transformed and sound mind. If I have any idea of His love for me, just wait. Because He's getting ready to pour more all over me. I'm His daughther, His beloved, His princess.

Time to come down my stairs. ;)

Soul Trained

My husband and I are trying our hands at gardening this year. Maybe our name will somehow prophesy to our thumbs. :) I'm attempting a vertical method since we have a small backyard. Eight 4x8 raised beds with posts and garden fencing slicing lengthwise down their middles. Supposedly I can plant more this way, train the climbing varieties skyward and thereby gain a fantastic harvest. Emphasis on the 'supposedly'.

Ordinarily the cucumbers, peas and beans would flop over onto the ground and ramble happily about, but I will affix them securely to their vertical prison and all that extra sun will cause them to raise their figurative skirts and show me their bounty. Ha. :) I'm a little ridiculous.

This past year I've been trying to define something in myself. In the past I've struggled with rules and guidance of any sort and I had assumed that I was just rebellious. After many years of heart examination I became uncomfortable with that conclusion, so I took it to God. While I've been getting dirt under my fingernails, I think He has been giving me a word picture.

I'm like that climbing variety of vegetable; trained to adhere to a stiff guidance system pointed directly skywards. In my childhood I was taught all about God's laws. Jesus added a new tier of rules; ones that governed heart and not just behavior. So from a very young age I developed a fear of God, and learned that  not only was He watching everything I do, He was aware of every thought, feeling and motivation I had inside me. I began examining my heart when I invited Jesus into my life at the age of six.  I'm not even going to go into the whole understanding of Jesus coming to fulfill the law, or that we have freedom in Christ stuff. I realize that now. What I had back in my childhood was training without relationship. God the Father and God the Son and God the Holy Spirit was just another mother, father, prosecutor and judge. I was on the examining board at all times. Everything I did was observed, and every thought questioned. But I had no idea of His love for me. The love that forgives. The God-ocean of love that I float in; that gave Himself for me. Because I was worth it. Training without relationship is like training a plant to a trellis without first planting it in good soil. Tying a plant to a stake will not feed it. All the rules in the world will only bring death in the end.

Jesus came that we might have life, and life abundant. All He wants is relationship. All the rules in the world cannot achieve that. The Hebrews were given a chance at relationship but they were afraid. They chose rules. The law was given to expose sin, not to give us a path to redemption. Or to relationship. Moses chose intimacy and relationship. He got to hear God's voice, become God's friend and even had the opportunity to argue with God. A relationship birthed in fire. That's what I want. To hell with my trellis. ;)